


Once Upon a Confession

by AntaresChild



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Best Friends, Character Death, Drinking, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Masturbation, Slow Burn, artsy Clarke, athletic lexa, but also some pretty serious drama along the way, clexa is endgame but they just might take the long way there, smut between people you probably don't want together, trigger alert for suicide: it comes up several times in this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-07-12 13:36:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 65,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7107079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntaresChild/pseuds/AntaresChild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Contraband brownies might just change the dynamic of two roommates forever.</p><p>-OR-</p><p>In which Clarke decides to record a conversation and ends up with much more than she bargained for.</p><p>I'm on Tumblr, but only for fun and laughs. I don't really post, but just reblog stuff. That said, if it's a blog you want to follow, then you can find me here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/antareschild</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“C’mon,” Octavia pled as Clarke shouldered her bag and stepped out of the car. “You studied hard. You deserve to play hard!”

Clarke smiled. “Yeah. Because that will help me with my test tomorrow.”

Octavia let out a grunt. “Since when are you responsible?”

“Since this test is 25% of my grade. That’s when,” she said, sending a wave to Raven.

“Look at my girl making good choices,” Raven said, waving back. “So proud.”

“That, or her no-play roommate is rubbing off on her and we need to stage an intervention,” Octavia grumbled.

Raven rolled her eyes and sent a smile Clarke’s way. “We’ll party tomorrow _after_ you pass the test.”

“It’s a date,” Clarke said and shut the door. 

When Raven pulled away, Octavia was hanging out the window screaming, “I won’t miss you tonight!”

Clarke smiled, calling out, "I won't miss you either!" as she started up the walkway to her dorm. A glance at her watch showed it was 11:17. Her test was at the ungodly hour of 8:00 a.m., but if Clarke didn’t get lost in her computer or start stressing about the test, there was every chance she could get a solid seven hours of sleep that night.

Moving up the stairs inside the dorm, Clarke fished out her keys and singled out the one to her door. Lexa was probably asleep. That was one good thing about having a party-free roommate. Lexa was q-u-i-e-t. And considerate. She never blasted music, but kept whatever she listened to in her headphones. She didn’t burn the midnight oil or leave a mess or do anything to draw attention to herself. If anything, it seemed like Lexa’s goal in life was to convince Clarke she lived alone.

And Clarke wasn’t complaining one bit.

The only down side was that Clarke was the opposite. She came home loud and late, and pretty much was a constant reminder to Lexa that she definitely did not live alone. Sometimes Clarke felt bad about that…but not enough to change her ways.

Shoving her key into the lock of her door, Clarke heard a voice on the other side mutter, “Oh-no-oh-no-oh-no-oh-no-oh-no,” but the door was open before Clarke registered she might be walking in on her roommate with someone.

Lexa? With someone?

Curiosity replaced guilt as Clarke opened the door and looked for her roommate. At first glance, the apartment looked empty. Her roommate’s bed was made up and all the lights were on. Lexa would never leave all the lights on and leave. She didn’t even turn them all on when she was home. Not usually.

“Lexa?” She walked through the door, looking over when Lexa let out a snicker from her right. 

Clarke followed the sound and spotted Lexa sitting in the corner on the floor, her eyes squinting with laughter and her body shaking as she repeated, “Oh, no!”

Clarke paused, giving her roommate a once-over. Something was…off. “Why are you on the floor?”

Lexa froze for a minute then started laughing again. Harder this time.

“Seriously, are you okay?” Clarke repeated and Lexa sent her a goofy smile.

“I can’t hide. I’m high and I can’t hide it,” Lexa whispered, her eyes crinkling in amusement before she burst out laughing again.

Lexa Woods was high? Little Miss All Work and No Play was finally taking a break from 24/7 anxiety? 

Oh, this was good.

Smiling, Clarke looked her roommate over. “And that’s funny? That you’re high and can’t hide it?”

“So funny,” Lexa said, and based on the joyful look on Lexa’s face, it quite possibly must have been the funniest thing on the planet. “I went to a party.”

“You?” Clarke said in feigned shock. “You put your books down long enough to go out and meet people?”

“I know!” Lexa laughed. “I’m so lame. Sooo lame, right? And that’s why I went. To not be lame for once. And when they had edibles, I thought how stupid I am that I never _do_ anything—never _try_ anything. So I took one.”

Clarke was seeing that more and more clearly.

“I’m lying,” Lexa said, as if were a well built-up punchline. “Three. I had three ediblessssssssssssss.”

“I see that.” And indeed she did.

“When I started getting high, I thought ‘Oh no, people can’t see me like this. I need to go home.’ Then I got here and I thought ‘Oh no, what if Clarke comes home? What if she sees me like this? What if she knows?’ And now you’re here.”

“And I find you high as a kite and giggling like a squirrel in the corner of the room.”

“Oh my gosh, I am a squirrel, aren’t I?”

“Right now you’re definitely laughing like one,” Clarke said, looking at her lean roommate as she pressed into the corner of the room. “Why are you over there anyway?”

“I wanted to hide from you.”

Their dorm barely fit two twin beds and two work spaces outside of their bathroom. There were exactly zero places to hide. “You thought you could hide in the six-square feet at the base of your bed on your side of the room?”

“It was worth a try.”

Okay. That settled it. Lexa was mega high.

“I started to wonder if I could still read,” Lexa confided. “And I thought ‘Oh no, what if Clarke comes home and finds me reading this?’”

“Reading what?”

Lexa’s eyes shown brightly with something unsaid before she burst into laughter again.

Clarke watched her, pretty sure this was the first time she’d seen her roommate smile—really smile, showing teeth and everything. “What’s so funny, Lexa?”

Lexa sighed happily. “It’s like I want you to catch me reading it while I’m high so I have an excuse, you know? But I want to know what you think.”

“About what?” Clarke asked, suddenly curious.

Again, Lexa just laughed.

“Girl, you are stoned.”

“Soooo stoned.”

Clarke sat on her bed and eyed her roommate, happy as a clam as she sat in the corner. 

“My teeth feel so gross,” Lexa confessed.

“I’m sure they do.”

“I brushed them already. Twice. I think. And flossed. They still feel dirty.”

Clarke nodded. “And speaking of dirt, you realize this is too good of an opportunity for me to pass up, right? The private and reserved Lexa Woods is suddenly chatty and high? There about a hundred questions I’m totally going to ask you right now.”

“I’m not going to answer them.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I am? Oh, no! Please stop me.”

“Not a chance. Are you ready?”

“I was getting there when you arrived.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Clarke was slightly confused but decided to let it go. “Whatever. Ready for the questions?”

Lexa glazed over for a moment. “I want you to ask what I was reading so I can _not_ tell you, but let you see enough to let you look it up on your own later and bring it up if you want.”

Clarke’s eyebrows shot up. “Is that so? And what do you want me to see?”

Lexa started laughing again, and this time a little drool came with it. Lexa swiped at her face with her shirt. “So gross. I drooled. So gross.”

“What did you want me to see, Lexa?”

She waved her hand in the direction of her laptop, its screen blank. “It timed out. I wanted to be reading it when you got back and let you see it before I shut my laptop. But then I got scared of you seeing it and I hid. And now my screen is sleeping and you can’t see it.”

“You’re that nervous about showing it to me?” Clarke said, thinking about all the things she had said and done in front of Lexa. What in the world did she think Clarke would think was taboo? “Lexa, what kind of porn are you into?”

Lexa shook her head and frowned for the first time. “None. I’m too scared to watch it. Because I’m so laaaaaame”

Hmm. Lame was becoming a common theme. “You know you’re not lame, right Lexa?”

“Sooooo lame,” Lexa said, wagging her head like it felt good. She looked adorable and free and blissed out. All things Clarke wasn’t used to associating with her hyper-strict and reserved roommate. She totally had to get some of this on camera. It was just too rich.

“You have to see yourself like this later,” Clarke said, pulling out her phone. “I’m totally going to film our Q&A.”

“Okay,” Lexa giggled. “But I’ll be mad about that tomorrow.”

“You need to see the smile on your face,” Clarke argued. “You look…” What was the word? Clarke took in her roommate’s long, flowing hair, bright green eyes and full smile, and felt the urge to draw Lexa like this. She didn’t even know if she could capture what she was seeing. “Free.”

“Free?” Lexa said before letting out a low hum. “That would be nice. I’m just scared all the time, you know?”

Clarke put Lexa in frame on her camera and pressed record. “No. I don’t. What do you mean?”

“Like, if I get drunk or I get high, will I start saying all the things I want to say? Will I do something I really want to and then everyone will know…you know? Like, I can try to blame it on being high, but the seed is planted. You know? And they know. And I watch to see who stays and who goes while we all pretend that we don’t know what really happened, even though we all totally know.  You know?”

Clarke didn’t know what to say, but based on the look on Lexa’s face, she didn’t have to say anything at all. Her roommate’s unblinking gaze made her look like a paused video. Lexa’s stoned brain had just descended down a rabbit hole. Clarke watched the timer on the corner of her phone, counting off 37 seconds before Lexa swallowed and blinked again.

“There this oil you’re supposed to be able to put on your…parts and you get way turned on,” Lexa said out of the blue. “They had that at the party, too. But I’m afraid to try it, you know? Because…what if I get turned on?”

“What do you mean, what if? Don’t you get turned on, Lexa?”

Lexa shook her head furiously. “I don’t let myself.”

Whoa. Clarke hadn't even known that was possible. “You don’t? Why not?”

“Because…what if I get turned on? Then what?”

“Then you take two fingers and figure it out,” Clarke said with a smile.

Lexa wagged her head again. “But then what? What if they know?”

“Who?”

“The person you fucked?” Lexa said, surprising Clarke with a rare curse. Lexa’s life was pretty much a PG movie from what Clarke had seen. Clarke wasn’t even sure Lexa knew the word, but her eyebrows raised even higher at what came next. “In your head, you just kissed them…sucked her nipples…touched her parts. You did all that in your head. What if you screw up and do it in real life?”

Double whoa. Clarke processed the layers of confessions her roommate had just spilled, the first of which was switching from gender-neutral to gender-specific when talking about her fantasies. And, holy crap, Lexa was into girls…although she clearly wasn’t comfortable with the fact. And not only was Lexa hiding her sexuality in real life, she was afraid to fantasize about it.

Clarke was fascinated.

“That’s what I wanted you to catch me reading,” Lexa confessed, her face thoughtful. “You’re my roommate, and I’m so scared that you’ll find out and that you’ll hate me. Or that other people will find out and tell you and you’ll hate me. So I thought…Hey, get high and drop some clues and see if she freaks!”

“You’re afraid that I’ll be uncomfortable sharing rooms with a lesbian?”

Lexa grew still, not answering. 

“I’m cool with it, okay?” she said. “I’m even capturing this moment on tape as evidence. I, Clarke Griffin, have exactly zero problems with the fact that my roommate is a lesbian. There. It’s on tape.”

Lexa waved a long finger at her. “I’m going to be very mad you recorded all this tomorrow.”

“But not now?”

“No. Right now I’m in looooooove and it feels so good. I’ll have to be mad tomorrow.”

Clarke smiled. “I might have to track down that party and look up what kind of edibles you got. They sound like they’re worth a shot.”

“Totally,” Lexa said.

“And Lexa?”

“Yeah?”

“Think about whatever you want.”

“Huh?”

“When you do yourself.”

Lexa froze in time, shock written all over her face at Clarke’s words.

“When you masturbate,” Clarke clarified just to see if Lexa’s eyes would double in size. They did and Clarke smiled. This was fun. “Think about whoever you want. I do.”

“You do?”

“Of course.”

“And…it’s not weird when you see that person?”

“No,” Clarke said with a shrug. “I just smile.”

“You just smile,” Lexa repeated, as if it was a new concept.

“Yep. And act normal. And I wonder if my imagination is better or worse than the real thing.”

“Oh.” 

Watching Lexa’s stunned, slack face made Clarke want to poke at her all the more. “Like, with Wells my imagination and the real thing were about the same, but with Finn my imagination was _way_ better. You know who’s a surprise though? Murphy. Man, I did not see that one coming.” She caught her own pun after the fact. “I mean, doing Murphy was a freak occurrence. He’s a total one-and-done, but damn. Hung and creative. That’s what that boy is.”

Lexa wasn’t even listening to her anymore. She was staring off into space again, mouth slightly open and eyes glazed. Clarke glanced back at her phone, making sure she was getting the shot and zooming in on Lexa’s face. The girl really did have stunning features. They would be a challenge to draw—to get those eyelashes just right…and the look behind her eyes…and that mouth with the full bottom lip that just begged to be bit.

“You have the best lips, you know that?” Clarke said absently. “Like mine are all thin, and you have these two pillows for lips. It really is a shame you’re not using them. Somewhere out there, a lover is really missing out.”

Lexa blinked. “I’m not a good kisser.”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve never kissed anyone.”

“What?”

Lexa held a finger up to her lips. “Shhhhh. Don’t tell. I wanted to so bad.”

“When?”

Lexa just laughed. “You don’t hate me?”

“I don’t hate you.”

“That’s good. I’m glad I know.”

“You didn’t know before?”

“I was scared. You were my roommate.”

“Still am,” Clarke clarified.

“Still are…still are.” Then her brow crinkled in confusion. “Do you touch yourself?”

Clarke’s jaw dropped, shocked to hear such a blunt question from her previously private roommate. Oh, what a brownie or three could do to shake up dynamics. All of a sudden Clarke was the conservative one—at least until she reminded herself that she wasn’t ever shocked by things like this and cleared her throat. “Of course.”

Lexa’s face scrunched in confusion. “When? Where?”

“At night, usually.”

“But where?”

Clarke smiled as she realized what Lexa was really asking. Had Clarke done it since they’d lived together?

“Usually on the bed,” she said, letting her smile grow.

“Here?”

“Sometimes. Sometimes the tub, too.”

“You’ve masturbated in the tub?”

“Yep.”

Lexa groaned and fell to her side on the floor.

“Does that gross you out?” Clarke asked, and Lexa went back into freeze mode. Several seconds later she snapped out of it.

“You asked me a question,” Lexa said as if her mind were a blank slate except for that fact.

“I did. I asked if you still want to be my roommate, or did I just gross you out with my tub confession?”

“You didn’t gross me out. That is so hot.”

“What is so hot?”

“You…touching yourself in the tub. God, that is hot.”

Oh. My. God. Never in all her days had she imagined Lexa even capable of saying something like that. Even better? Clarke was still recording and she had totally got that on tape. “Yeah? You think so?”

“Yeah,” Lexa said, pillowing her hands under her head. “I want to think about it.”

When she zoned out again, Clarke stopped the video and saved the file. There was no way she could lose that little confession. It was solid gold. Never mind that Clarke’s nerves were starting to tingle in all the fun places. Apparently Clarke had a bit of a sadistic side, because torturing Lexa about her sexuality was really turning her on.

Clarke was ten seconds into recording again when Lexa spoke. “Have you ever done it on the bed? Your bed?”

“Done it, or done myself?”

“Either,” Lexa choked. “Both.”

“I’ve done both in this bed,” Clarke confessed.

“Finn?”

“Yeah, Finn a few times.”

“And Fingers?”

“And Fingers.” 

Silence, then, “Was I ever here for Fingers?”

Clarke laughed, debating whether to tell the truth or not. “A few times. You were asleep.”

“I was? How did you know?”

“Your breathing. It changes.”

“And you touched yourself?”

“I did,” Clarke confessed. “And I gotta say, it was kind of hot knowing I might get caught.”

“Oh, my god,” Lexa breathed. “I’m never going to sleep again.”

“You’re not?”

“No. I want to catch you…and watch.”

This time it was Clarke who grew still. “You do?”

Lexa’s reply was a moan as she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and bit down. Okay, that had been hot. Clarke suddenly felt like she needed to crack a window to let in some night air. Then she realized the window was already open. She cleared her throat.

“And would you join me if you caught me?” Clarke asked, everything between her legs flexing at the thought of exactly what she thought Lexa might do and how the girl would react. It was all too easy to imagine Lexa writhing in pleasure. Her green eyes had to look gorgeous when they came.

Holy shit. The thought of looking into Lexa’s eyes when she peaked had turned Clarke into a mouth breather. She was suddenly fully turned on.

Meanwhile, it looked like someone had pulled out the power cord on Lexa. Once again, she was frozen in place and staring off into space.

Clarke cleared her throat and decided to be bold. “Lexa?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you thinking about fucking me?”

Lexa hid her face behind her hands. “Are you mad at me?”

“No,” Clarke laughed. “Like I said, it’s fine. Everyone does it.”

“They mentally fuck people they know and pretend the people like it?”

“Always.”

“So…you’re not mad if I touch you in my mind and you like it?”

“Not at all. Pick whoever gets your engine going, pick your kink, and go.”

“My kink?”

“The thing that turns you on.”

Lexa’s head wagged. “I don’t let myself get turned on.”

“And what do you have to not think about to not get turned on?”

Lexa zoned out for a minute before groaning, “I’m so horny.”

“That’s my girl.”

“My girl,” Lexa repeated, as if it meant something.

Clarke spoke before Lexa could zone out again. “So what’s your kink?”

“My kink?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said patiently. “You have a girl standing across from you. What do you do?”

“She doesn’t know I’m like that.”

“She _does_ know, and she wants you back. What do you do?”

“Breasts,” Lexa says after a beat. “I want to touch them so bad.” She squeezed her thighs up and in toward her chest to form a ball. “So bad, Clarke. I want to see it all, but…boobs.”

“Okay, so you’re a boob girl.”

“I just want to hold them,” Lexa said, holding her hands out as if to demonstrate. “I’ve never done it, but it makes me feel steady to think about it.”

“Steady? Not turned on?”

“That too,” Lexa said. “But they feel like…you know?”

No. Clarke had no idea what she was talking about.

“My kinks are laaaaaaame,” Lexa said a moment later.

“Not possible.”

“Possible,” Lexa argued. “We don’t even get naked.”

Clarke swallowed against the dryness in her throat, a picture flashing in her mind of her and her roommate with less distance between them. “We?”

“Me and the girl.”

Of course. “You don’t get naked?”

“No. We just kiss. And in my mind I’m really good at it—good enough that she lets me graze her nipples over her shirt and she doesn’t think I know what I’m doing. But I do and I’m really good. And even though she doesn’t want to let another girl touch her like this because it’s pretty gay, pretty soon she’s guiding my hands to her breasts and pressing in. And while I’m playing with her nipples, she comes, and I have to swallow the sound into my mouth. And she kisses me like she really means it because just for a minute she does. For a minute, she doesn’t need a boy. She just needs me.”

Whoa. It was a tame kink, to be sure, but it was not a lame kink. It was somehow sweet and hot at the same time.

“That’s sounds amazing,” Clarke confessed, hearing a distinct husk in her voice. Her body was starting to betray her. “I’d love it if someone could make me come by only touching my breasts.”

“You would?”

“Definitely.”

“But…”

“But?”

“You’re straight,” Lexa said, looking truly confused. “Don’t you need a dick?”

Clarke laughed. “I thought we established that two fingers work just fine.”

“Oh yeah…there’s that.”

“There’s that,” Clarke agreed, just to pass the conversational ball into Lexa’s court. This was turning out to be a very enlightening evening.

“But with another person, you need a dick.”

Clarke shook her head slowly. “I never said that.”

“But you’ve only had sex with guys because girls don’t turn you on.”

“I never said that either,” Clarke said, remembering clearly the first time she’d imagined doing it with a girl. Octavia Blake. Damn that girl had always been beautiful, and she had the trim, athletic build that Clarke couldn’t help but stare at on another woman. 

Lexa might be a boobs girl, but Clarke was way more into abs and ass…and lips. Octavia had been her starter girl when it came to picturing other girls naked, but Raven was her 2.0 when it came to chicks who made her forget about dicks. It wasn’t something Clarke had ever done anything about, but she liked looking at Raven. A lot.

Then there was Lexa. Clarke had noticed her, too, but tried not to put much thought into it. Lexa was just so focused on school and fitness that Clarke had just filed her away as someone not to include in party thoughts. But all that was quickly changing in Clarke’s mind as she took in her roommate riding high in a state of bliss. 

Her mind was quick to recall snapshots of Lexa changing and pause on the moments that revealed an impossibly smooth back and flat abs. And her ass. Lexa always turned around to change and more often than not Clarke had impulsively taken quick looks at her roommate’s tight ass. It was good one.

In truth, Lexa had all the qualities Clarke liked to stare at in Raven, only she was taller than Raven and a bit sleeker. With just a little bit of swagger, Lexa would have a lot of girls questioning their sexuality. Clarke had been questioning for a while, but she felt exactly zero confusion in that moment. Her body knew exactly what it wanted.

Across from her, Lexa was studying her carefully. “I’m high.”

“We’ve established that,” Clarke said, feeling oddly protective over her clearly impaired roommate.

“I hope I remember this,” she said, looking distraught. “Will I forget?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Hmm. I want to remember that you don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Lexa. There’s nothing to hate. And even if you forget, I’ll remind you tomorrow.”

There was a delay of a couple of beats. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

Clarke started to wonder if their conversation might be over when Lexa zoned out once again. Then Lexa blinked back into the present. “Have you ever liked a girl?”

Clarke hesitated before nodding. “A few times.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“When?”

Clarke chose her words carefully. “Sometimes when a girl has a certain look and personality I’ve started liking her.”

“What kind of look?”

Might as well be honest. Lexa was. “When she has an ass I want to bite.”

There was a stunned moment before Lexa started laughing. “You want to bite a girl’s ass?”

“Totally,” Clarke confessed. “And I want to watch the muscles clench while I do other things to her.”

“Oh my god.”

It sounded like she just broke Lexa again and part of Clarke purred at the thought.

After several beats, Lexa pushed herself up to her feet and carefully moved to her bed. She picked up her laptop like it was a tray filled with water she couldn’t spill and moved it over to her nightstand with slow care.

Clarke followed her with the camera and zoomed out again to get the whole shot. “Whatcha doing, Lexa?” 

“I need to sleep and wake up not high.”

“Are you tired?”

“No. But if I don’t sleep, I’ll think and…I’ll touch,” Lexa said, falling onto her bed and facing away from Clarke.

“So do it.”

“You’re here.”

“I can leave.” Even though a big part of her didn’t want to. She would.

“You’ll know what I’m doing.”

Clarke couldn’t help herself. She was too turned on not to play dirty. “And do you like that I’ll know, or not like that I’ll know?”

“Fuuuuuuuuck,” Lexa moaned.

God, that word sounded hot coming out of Lexa’s mouth. She wanted to hear it again. “Fuck yes, or fuck no?” 

“Stop talking.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m burning and I want it to stop so bad.”

“So make it stop.”

Lexa curled into herself a groaned. “You’ll see me. You’re even video taping me. I’m going to be mad about that tomorrow.”

Oh, she definitely was. This was Grade-A blackmail material. “Do you want me to stop?”

Clarke waited for Lexa’s answer for five seconds. Then ten seconds. Then Lexa rolled onto her back, one hand sliding down to cup between her legs.

“Oh, shit,” Clarke said, fumbling for the stop button, but Lexa was quicker. From what Clarke could tell, her roommate didn’t even have to move her hand around once it found home. All Lexa did was give one solid rub between her legs before her back arched and spasmed—one, two, three, four times. Then her body relaxed on a sigh and her eyes blinked open. It happened so fast while simultaneously feeling like a frozen moment in time. Clarke had never seen anything more bewitching in her life.

“Oh, my god,” Lexa breathed, clearly shocked by what had just happened. “Oh, my god. You saw that, didn’t you?”

Clarke’s mouth was completely dry. “I…did.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Red-faced, Lexa rolled to face away from her on the bed again. “Sleep. Leave me alone. I need to sleep.”

The room fell quiet, and Clarke was left holding a cell phone with a ticking timer. She was still recording. “Sweet Jesus,” she muttered, her mind replaying Lexa’s orgasm again and again.

She hit stop.

“Holy shit.” Every part of her was on fire. Her nipples were clearly visible through both her bra and shirt and her slit was a slippery swamp in desperate need of some friction.

She glanced over at her roommate, who was definitely not asleep but nor was she looking. The mental debate of what to do next lasted all of two seconds before Clarke pushed her hand down into her pants and went straight for the money shot. She didn’t come on the first stroke like Lexa. It took seven passes, but she’d never come so fast and hard in her life. She had the presence of mind to bite her scream back before falling onto her side and staring at Lexa’s back.

“Holy fucking shit,” she breathed as her vision cleared, then rolled on her back and stared at the ceiling while she waited for her heart rate to return to normal.

This was definitely not how she imagined her night ending.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a good night's sleep doesn't get Lexa back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are short (and maybe a bit lame), but they get more fun. I promise ;) But for now, here's a PSA that over-doing it on edibles is not consequence-free.

The world felt a little lopsided when Lexa opened her eyes. She blinked, a memory flashing in the back of her mind that had her looking over at her roommate’s bed. She looked too fast, her stomach clenching and her head reeling at the motion.

Was it possible to lose your balance laying down? Because that’s what it felt like.

It took several moments for Lexa to accept the fact that she was still high from the brownies she'd eaten the night before. Not as high as she'd been when she tried to hide from Clarke, but she was pretty sure she couldn’t walk around without forgetting where she was going. Maybe she could get to the bathroom and back to bed, but she was not fit for public.

She definitely wouldn’t be able to make it to classes.

Her mind started panicking at the thought of missing classes for the first time, anxiety escalating as she imagined losing her scholarship and being led away in handcuffs after the campus police brought drug-sniffing dogs into her dorm room and discovered what she’d done last night.

“This is the paranoia people talk about,” Lexa told herself as she stared at the wall. “It’s just a missed day of classes. No one will send in police dogs. I can get notes from someone. I'm okay. I'm not going to get expelled.”

But what if she did? What if Clarke told all her friends what happened last night and someone overheard and what if they reported her?

“You’re fine,” she coached herself before turning over to look at Clarke in her bed to reassure herself that her roommate was not off blabbing about what happened last night with every person she met.

Only there was no Clarke. The other bed was empty.

Tension snapped through Lexa's body with the abruptness of a mouse trap.

Clarke was gone. She'd left. But after everything Lexa had said the night before, who could blame her?

Lexa had nearly convinced herself that Clarke had made a run for it and moved out sometimes during the night until she realized all of Clarke's stuff was still in the room. In fact, their shared room looked exactly like it always did--Lexa's side meticulous, Clarke's side (quite) a bit less so.

So where was Clarke?

Still sluggishly drugged, Lexa’s mind reviewed the possibilities of where her roommate might be. Lexa always got up first and Clarke still asleep by the time Lexa left. Lexa planned it that way.

But for the first time since they'd been roommates, Lexa was awake Clarke wasn’t there.

“She’s hiding from me,” Lexa muttered, remembering all too clearly her confessions from the night before. It was like someone was shining a flashlight on the conversation. “I freaked her out.”

Then her eyes landed on her alarm clock.

9:17? Lexa was nearly four hours behind schedule in getting up.

Maybe Clarke was just off taking her Biology test.

Maybe that.

Hopefully that.

Outraged that she’d slept so late, Lexa decided it was time to see how well her legs worked with a trek to the bathroom.

Not great.

Her arms airplaned out to the side as she fought to find her balance. She felt like she was tilting to the right, but she wasn’t sure she was.

“Just walk like you do every day,” she coached herself.

Her actions felt more halting than usual, but a few seconds later she was in the bathroom where she thought she did her business and got out, but when she walked back into the main room the clock read 9:31.

What in the world had happened in the past fourteen minutes? Where had they gone?

Lexa was about to face plant back onto her bed when a paper bag on her desk caught her eye. Next to it was a note. Feeling half-sick at what she might find and half-curious, Lexa wobbled her way over to the desk and picked up the note.

_I didn’t know if my favorite lesbian roommate would wake up with the munchies, so I grabbed these._

_Rest up, babe. Three edibles is A LOT. You might feel it for a couple of days._

Lexa read the note again and again, relief coursing through her that Clarke hadn’t moved out in the middle of the night as she peeked into the bag and found a whole bunch of European-style mini-pastries from a shop by campus. She’d thought about trying them a few times, but could never justify the expense or the calories.

The usual voice in her head told her that the gift was too expensive and she shouldn’t accept it, but the high part of her brain ate every last one of them and savored every moment.

Then she fell back onto the bed and passed out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Clarke discovers she has her first muse.

Clarke deleted the videos of Lexa off of her phone. It only seemed right.

But she still had them saved up on the Cloud. And god, it was kind of insane how much she wanted to watch Lexa arch and implode again…to see her look so happy as she spoke…to study the lines of her as she moved without her usual tension.

_It’s not sexual,_ she told herself. _I want to draw her._

She’d draw her in abstract, of course. She didn’t want a notebook full of pictures of her roommate, but for the first time in her life she felt like she had a muse. She could start just by getting the lines right. The angles. The proportions. The colors. First she’d get the building blocks down, then she’d go for the essence.

Medicine might not be Clarke’s true passion, but she loved how many of her undergrad classes focused on anatomy. Her art had really taken a leap forward in the past two years of college. But people had never been the focal point of her work. Faces? Bodies? Sensuality? Clarke left that to the other artists.

But suddenly she wanted to join them.

The catalyst for joining their ranks made Clarke feel a bit like a pervert. People in the artistic community were always asking what inspired you, and what was she supposed to say if she started drawing the things currently twitching at the edge of her fingers?

_Oh, I accidentally watched my virgin roommate have her first orgasm, and became obsessed with drawing her._

No. She totally had to come up with a different story that made her a little bit less of a creeper. Either that, or just not draw any of it.

But she really wanted to draw it all…and she had already started.

She was supposed to be drawing the model in front of her. That’s what the rest of her art class was doing. But for the first time, Clarke was going rogue. As much as she respected the naked man in front of her, nothing about him was inspiring her at the moment. Every time she tried to draw him, her hand started sketching out Lexa’s irises.

She’d always loved green eyes and their ability to change color based on everything from the color of shirt reflecting up on them to the body chemistry of the person born with them. Blue eyes, like Clarke’s, might grow brighter or darker based on environment, but they typically always appeared as some shade of blue. Green eyes were more unpredictable. Sometimes they looked tan or hazel or sage.

Last night, Lexa’s eyes had been forest green and so fucking pure. Clarke didn’t even know if she had the skill to reproduce what she’d seen on paper, even with the video as a reference.

But she wanted to try. She _needed_ to try.

Ignoring the guilty prick of her conscious that the videos still existed even though any decent person would delete them all entirely, Clarke opened her Cloud folder and found the uploaded videos. 

She knew exactly the moment she needed to freeze and zoom in on. Not _the_ moment she’d imagined at least a hundred times in her mind since it happened last night, but a much more innocent moment where Lexa had just been sitting on the floor talking. It was the moment right after Clarke had zoomed in on her face and told Lexa she had beautiful lips. The look in Lexa’s eyes as she absorbed the compliment was the moment Clarke wanted to capture.

Careful to keep the audio on silent, Clarke found that part of the video and paused it, zooming in until Lexa’s right eye filled her screen.

Yes. She needed to be able to capture those irises—their structure, their coloring, their pattern.

Ignoring the model in the middle of the room, Clarke turned to a fresh page on her sketch pad and started to get to work. She grew self conscious when her teacher passed behind her to examine her work. She waited to be chastised for being off task, but her teacher only stopped to assess her work for thirty seconds or so before moving on.

Feeling more confident, Clarke kept trying to capture the structure of the iris on the screen of her cell phone. Two hours and twelve sheets of paper later, she still hadn’t accomplished her goal, but she was getting closer.

A few more tries and she’d get it right. Eventually. And once she got it right, maybe she would reward herself by allowing herself to draw the shape of Lexa’s lips as she made her O-face.

Or maybe she wouldn’t. A decent person wouldn’t draw a moment like that without consent…but Clarke wasn’t feeling very decent. Which meant that Clarke just had to find a way to draw it in a way that no one would know what or who they were looking at. Because decent or not, Clarke knew her mind wouldn’t rest until she had captured that moment in a piece of art made by her own hand.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, a little voice chirped that there was a fine line between being inspired and being creepy. She did her best to ignore that voice as she screwed up her latest attempt at Lexa's iris and turned to yet another fresh sheet to start again.

“Ten minutes,” her teacher called out. “Start finishing up.”

But Clarke wasn’t even close to being finished. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa have their first sober conversation lasting longer than two minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos. Hope you like the chapter you get in exchange ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Also, potential *trigger warning* related to ODing.

_  
Okay, we’re going to call these the Proof of Life Pastries, because watching them disappear while I’m gone is the only evidence I have that you are still a functioning human._

_Sleep tight, but know I’m waking you up the next time I see you to check your pupils._

 

_Hugs,_

_Clarke_

 

Lexa sat on her bed, still wearing the same clothes she’d worn to the party two nights ago, reading Clarke’s note again and again. The pastries were long gone, but the note remained.

The next time Clarke came home, there would be talking and medically-motivated eye gazing.

Shit.

Up until about 48 hours ago, Lexa thought she’d left most of her bad ideas back in middle school. 

Apparently not. 

Getting high at that party had been an epically bad idea. But like all bad ideas, it had seemed smart at the time. Lexa had just been so fucking stressed recently. Last week she’d gone to the dentist because she thought the left side of her teeth were all full of cavities, only to find out that her teeth were healthy, she was just grinding the hell out of them as she slept to the point where she was moving them and exposing the roots. So it just felt like she needed a dozen root canals, even though her teeth were technically fine as is.

Lucky her.

She didn’t need new teeth, she just needed to stop grinding the teeth she had out of her skull in her sleep.

And pot chilled you out, right? Loosened you up? Made your jaw unclench? Made you more honest so you could face up to things so they could stop stressing you out?

Well, it had made Lexa too honest. She’d learned that the hard way.

God, what was she going to do when her Clarke came home to check to see if she was still high? Lexa could almost see Clarke bending towards her with a flashlight in one of those low-cut tops she always wore falling forward and saying, _“I’m going to check your pupils now. Please look anywhere except my tits…and my eyes…and my lips.”_

Well, where the hell was Lexa supposed to look? 

She really needed to figure that out before Clarke came back.

Maybe she could look at Clarke’s ear when she checked her pupils. Maybe there…

Man, if only Lexa hadn’t been stupid in the first place. She’d been doing so well for so long.

In high school, she’d toed the line and gotten involved focused her efforts on not becoming a stupid statistic like everyone she’d grown up with. When she’d told her counselor at the group home that she wanted to go to college, he’d literally had to dust off the resources to get her on track for a scholarship. It had been five years since any of the other kids in the system had asked about college at all.

Most kids like Lexa didn’t make it through high school. Anya hadn’t, although she was currently working on earning her GED…again. The last four times hadn’t ended up that well, and Anya wasn’t particularly motivated since her line of work didn’t require an education. Anya never talked about how she made her money, and that pretty much told Lexa all she needed to know. Lexa was from the same world. She knew where kids like her ended up 95% of the time.

But not Lexa. 

Lexa had made the decision to be different in ninth grade when she came home from school and found her foster mom OD'ed on the bed after getting her monthly government payout for homing Lexa. 

The money was supposed to be spent on Lexa, but she’d never met a foster parent who actually followed through on that. Lexa usually had a room and list of jobs at her foster homes. With this foster mom, she’d slept on the couch after the room the foster mom had shown the social worker was reclaimed by the woman’s actual child—a son, who was just as gross as his mother and also her dealer.

Lexa had seen a whole lot of fucked up shit in her life, but walking in on her foster mom, eyes glazed, foaming at the mouth while her naked son ran around, high as a kite, and tried to climb out the window to escape the realization that his mom was dead had flipped a switch in Lexa.

If she kept going down the road everyone she knew was on, that was where she would end up. Maybe not dead on a bed after likely banging her own son, but down some equally untenable road.

Maybe she should have felt something more than utter repulsion and resolve upon discovering a dead body, but even now—years later—Lexa still brought the image to mind whenever she felt lazy or like giving up.

Whenever life got hard and she felt like pitying herself, Lexa could always think _Well, you could be dead on a bed after fucking your son,_ and suddenly whatever was plaguing her usually didn’t feel so bad anymore.

She’d sworn off any drugs made by human hands that day. Even the shit doctors prescribed caused hundreds of thousands of deaths each year. If it was made in a lab, Lexa didn’t want to touch it, but she’d given herself permission to try out things that came out of the earth.

One of her less brilliant ideas.

Now she was woozy and sitting on her bed, waiting for what was likely going to be one of the most awkward conversations of her life.

And Lexa had had a _lot_ of awkward conversations in her day.

Damn. Leave it to her to fuck up something good. 

She liked Clarke. She liked her a lot. The girl was everything Lexa wasn’t, and had this carefree essence Lexa would roll around in if she thought even a trace of it would rub off on her. 

But Clarke’s vibe was her own. Lexa couldn’t steal it. She was still working on making eye contact with it.

The sound of a key sliding into the lock grabbed Lexa’s full attention and she looked at the door just as it opened.

“Well, look who’s awake,” Clarke said with that bright smile of hers that had Lexa mirroring it against her will.

“Against my better judgment, yes,” Lexa replied and Clarke’s smile dimmed.

“You not feeling better yet?”

“Physically, yes,” Lexa said. “But…”

Clarke’s grin returned, as if reading Lexa’s mind as she sent her a wink. “Welcome to the other side of the closet, babe. Sometimes people still talk to you here.”

Lexa felt her cheeks redden and she used looking at the note as an excuse to look away. “So…all that really happened?”

“Yep,” Clarke said, tossing her bag on her bed with the carefree nonchalance she seemed to do everything. “It totally happened.”

Lexa hesitated, her mind recalling how for a moment the world had exploded. “Even—”

“Yep,” Clarke repeated with a glint in her eye. “But the good news is that everyone gets caught popping off at least once, so at least you got that out of the way while remaining fully dressed.” She let out a dramatic sigh and plopped down on her bed. “I was not so lucky, and the person walking in was my mom, so…when it comes to who has the right to be more mortified, I win.”

Five seconds before, Lexa couldn’t have imagined laughing, so when a laugh did escape her it caught her by surprise. “I guess. That would suck.”

Clarke frowned, shaking her head. “Suck doesn’t quite cover it when your mom walks in on you stripped from the waist down and riding your own hand, but yeah…it sucked. It still sucks when a trigger word comes up in a conversation or something, but whatever. Enough about me.” She gestured at Lexa. “You’re awake!”

“I’m awake,” Lexa confirmed.

“You had me worried there,” Clarke said, pulling her cell phone out of her bag. “You didn’t move for like 36 hours, except to eat pastries while I stepped out.”

“I’ll pay you back for those,” Lexa said out of reflex.

“Are you kidding?” Clarke said, flipping to something on her phone screen. “They were a gift.”

“Yeah, but I know how much they cost and—”

“Oh, no,” Clarke said, her hand stilling as she looked from her phone back to Lexa. “You’re not one of those people who keeps score, are you? Are you a Libra?”

“I, uh, no—”

“Thank god!” Clarke said, looking back at her phone. “Although that’s totally something I should know about you, right? We’ve lived together for like six months, and I’m pretty sure this is our first conversation—well, first _sober_ conversation.”

Lexa blushed. “Look, I just know that we’re all struggling college students and I don’t want you—”

“Oh my gosh. Stop there, roommie,” Clarke said, finding what she was looking for on her phone and eyes seeming to read even as she spoke. “I’m a giver, okay? It’s how I roll. So if you’re going to compulsively keep score, well then, it sucks to be you because I’ll always be ahead. It’s my thing."She looked up and shot Lexa a quick wink. "I’m a good giver.”

“And…I don’t know how _not_ to keep score,” Lexa confessed softly.

Clarke’s lips pursed adorably. “Hmm. Sounds like we have a battle of wills on our hands. Spoiler alert: I win.”

For a second, Lexa couldn’t breathe.

How did she do that? How did Clarke make everything seem so easy?

From the first day she’d met Clarke, her heart seemed to wobble uneasily in her presence. Lexa had told herself that it was a crush. It would fade. It would pass. She’d even read a scientific study that claimed that crushes had a shelf life of four months and that no longterm romantic decisions should be made within that time frame.

It had been six months, and Lexa still couldn’t breathe right around Clarke. 

Seriously. Breathing? How could she screw that up?

Clarke’s eyes narrowed on her and Lexa felt her heart pound for no reason whatsoever. “Are you spacing out because you’re high, or are you trying to come up with a retort and coming up empty?”

Lexa cleared her throat at looked away from those blue eyes that seemed to be a gateway into a world Lexa had only viewed from a distance. “That second one,” she confessed.

“Let’s make sure,” Clarke said, standing. “I did a lot of reading up on your condition, so let’s take a look at you to see how close you are to being fully functional again.” Clarke’s hand swiped at her phone and the flash turned into a flashlight. “Let’s take a look at those pretty eyes of yours, shall we?”

Part of Lexa heard the compliment embedded in Clarke’s request, and part of her reminded herself that Clarke just talked like that. There was nothing personal in the comment. It was just Clarke being Clarke.

But all thoughts disappeared completely when Clarke leaned over—just like Lexa imagined she would—and gravity revealed heartstopping cleavage encased in a royal blue bra.

 _Her ear,_ Lexa coached herself. _Look at her ear._

“Hey, Lexa?”

She cleared her throat. “Yeah?”

“My boobs are down here,” she said, snapping her fingers chest level.

Lexa’s mouth fell open in surprise as she glanced up to see if she’d heard Clarke correctly. When their eyes met, Clarke threw her head back and laughed.

“I’m sorry,” she said, leaning back in to really look at Lexa’s pupils this time. “That was just too easy. And you’re reaction? God, you’re adorable.”

“I…”

“It’s okay. I’ll do my best to behave,” Clarke said, shining the bright light in and out of Lexa’s line of sight.

“No,” Lexa said before thinking better of it. “Be you. It’ll be good for me.”

“Yeah?” Clarke said with a smile laced with more than a little mischief.

Yet again, Lexa forgot hot to breathe like a normal person, although she did manage not to look down at Clarke’s lips as she replied. “Yeah.”

“Okay. It’s on, babe” Clarke said, moving to the other eye. “But pick a safe word to use, just in case it’s ever too much or I go too far. Something obscure, but not something you’re afraid to say in public.”

Lexa was drawing a blank on the whole concept until her mind looped back to the beginning of the conversation. “How about I say _It’s just like that time when your mom—_ ”

“Hey!” Clarke said, not even letting her get close to finishing. 

Lexa smiled, loving the panicked look on Clarke’s face almost as much as she loved that Clarke had trusted her enough to tell her the story that gave Lexa the power to put that look on her face. “That’s my safe word.”

Clarke scowled playfully. “Note taken: you play dirty.”

Lexa shrugged. “I’m a survivor.”

“I’m seeing that more and more,” Clarke said. “Also, your pupils are responding normally, so that’s a yay.”

“Glad to hear it,” Lexa said, looking down and away.

“You can go to the doctor if you want to, but I read a lot of stuff, and it all basically says that you’ll probably be fine, and to live and learn and never do it again.”

“Sounds wise.”

“Yeah,” Clarke agreed, tossing her phone back on her bed. “And I’m glad you went overboard with pot and not something stupid that would have sent you to the ER.”

“Yeah…” Lexa said, her mind drawing up the same picture she always saw when an overdose was mentioned.

“But since you’re going to be fine and your basically sober, I had a thought I wanted to put past you.”

Lexa felt her stomach clench with nerves. “Okay.”

Clarke sat back on her bed and looked Lexa in the eye. “Who all knows that you’re gay?”

“Knows?” Lexa clarified. “Or has probably guessed?”

“Knows.”

Lexa cleared her throat. “You.”

Clarke nodded. “Me and…”

“You,” Lexa repeated.

Clarke’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait. Just me? Are you serious?”

Lexa bit her lip and nodded.

“Oh. Wow,” Clarke said, thrown off her game for once. “Then maybe you won’t like my bright idea, but here it goes anyway. I was thinking that maybe I just tell my friends you’re gay super casually, and that way when you meet them you just know that they know and nothing is fake. You’re not waiting for the axe to drop or anything. I mean, half of them have slept with girls anyway, so it’s not like they’re going to judge. You might be the only one who’s fully Kinsey 6, but there are some definite 3s and 4s in the mix among my friends.”

 _And which are you?_ Lexa wanted to ask. More than anything she wanted to ask, but she wasn’t high anymore. She didn’t dare.

“Yeah. Sure,” Lexa heard herself say, without fully comprehending why.

“Really?”

Lexa hesitated before responding.

Did she really want all of Clarke’s friends to know? 

After sitting with the thought for a moment, Lexa realized that yes…yes, she did. For the first time in her life, she wanted to meet someone who looked her in the eye while knowing who she was. Then, if they became friends, she’d know it was sincere.

“Yes,” Lexa said with more confidence. “Tell them.”

“Okay then,” Clarke said with a bright smile. “But just a warning. I’m the softie of the group, so if you meet them, prepare to be flirted with.”

Lexa’s cheeks flamed at the thought, but it was a good kind of embarrassed.

Girls? Flirting with her?

Apparently dreams did come true. 

And when they did, Lexa knew she was going to keep a sharp eye open for how Clarke would react.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Clarke's new obsession meets zero resistance...and maybe a little encouragement.

Clarke’s art teacher was hovering.

Normally Clarke wouldn’t care, but she was going rogue again and she didn’t know if her teacher was cool with it. There was a certain amount of disrespect that went into ignoring the curriculum that had been planned for the day and doing her own thing instead. Clarke totally got that.

But she really, really didn’t care about the array of bottles in front of her. Yes, they were an excellent practice in light and shadows and shape, but so was Lexa’s O face.

Not that anyone would know that’s what she was drawing. 

It was more of a deconstruction of an O face that actually kind of passed as an eccentric landscape, with the nose, lips, and chin appearing as separate peaks. Who knew what her teacher saw when she looked at it. The woman had a trained eye, so maybe she saw past Clarke’s efforts to hide her subject. Maybe she saw the disguised anatomy for what it was.

Then again, maybe she saw exactly what Clarke wanted her to see.

Either way, her teacher definitely wasn’t seeing a grouping of bottles, that was for damn sure.

Behind her, the teacher moved on to the next student and circled the class again while Clarke snuck a peek at her reference image to block in the shadows. She couldn’t go realistic with them, or it would be obvious that the image was a face. She had to go with the broader strokes to make it more abstract.

She was still sketching them out when her teacher circled around again.

“So, Miss Griffin,” her teacher said softly over her shoulder. “Is this going to be a series?”

Clarke’s hand stilled over her canvas. “A series?”

Her teacher smiled knowingly and nodded. “I know when someone’s been bitten by a muse.” She tapped her finger on Clarke’s drawing. “We haven’t covered this technique in class and I haven’t seen it reflected in any of your previous work. You’re discovering it on your own, and that usually only happens when we artists are inspired.”

Clarke chewed her bottom lip nervously. “I guess I fall in that category at the moment.”

Her teacher nodded. “So is this the last picture, or are there more?”

This was definitely not the last one. Not even close. The next piece would be a journey up Lexa’s neck to her jaw. Maybe she would do it realistically, but this abstract style was actually growing on her a bit. She might try to repeat it.

“How many more?” her teacher asked.

“A…lot.”

Her teacher nodded as if that made sense. “I’ll be watching,” she said, then moved on to the next student.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, yes, but that's why you get two chapters in a row.
> 
> Gift me with kudos, if you will, then turn the page ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lexa does things just a little bit differently than she did the day before.

Showering after volleyball practice was always a bit of a juggle. All of Lexa’s teammates were always so casual or even playful, while Lexa navigated the locker room a little more cautiously.

_Eye level. Eye level. Keep your gaze at eye level._

Most of the girls kept their bras and underwear on, but Lexa knew—she just knew—that if she looked down, her eyes just might stay down too long. Then everyone would know.

So she met everyone’s gaze eye-to-eye and never snapped a towel at anyone’s ass…not even after a victory.

But somehow today felt different than other days. 

Today someone knew she was gay—a _girl_ knew she was gay.

And not just any girl, the girl she’d had a crush on since they’d moved into the same dorm last summer. Clarke knew her secret and it hadn’t even fazed her to learn it. She hadn’t even blinked at the news. Lexa had watched her carefully when she dropped the bomb, looking for any sign of disgust or contempt. Even though she’d been high out of her mind, Lexa had found it in her to focus during that key moment, because she had to know what Clarke really thought.

And Clarke had shown neither reaction.

Instead, one of her perfect brows had arched up with intrigue and she’d smiled.

Lexa had been ready for Clarke to throw all her things out of the window and Clarke had smiled. And bought her pastries.

And probably sometime today, Clarke was going to tell her friends she had a gay roommate and more people would know.

People. Would. Know.

Lexa had never been on a rollercoaster, but she was pretty sure the feeling she had in her stomach was about the same as the feeling you got when you reached the top of the first drop and were about to speed down. Excited, yet scared, yet hopeful it would all turn out well and no one would die from a cart derailment.

The thought that people would know—that her teammates might know—would have sent Lexa packing a few days ago, but there was just something about Clarke’s lighthearted air and inborn confidence that had Lexa standing her ground.

Whatever happened when people started to find out, Lexa had a safe place to go home to, and that was something she did not take for granted. Lexa had spent most of her life feeling unsafe. She’d spent half her nights on the street because those were safer than her most recent home. But Clarke was safe. And maybe, more importantly, Clarke made everything seem light. Easy.

_Hey, Lexa, you know that super big secret you’ve been carrying around for ten years? Mind if I tell all my friends just so they know?_

_Sure, Clarke. I honestly can’t imagine anything more terrifying than that, but if it’s what you want…then you do you._

Whatever had possessed Lexa to grant Clarke permission to spread the news must have still had a bit of a hold on her, because the vice grip that usually made its home around Lexa’s chest seemed to be taking a vacation...which was totally counterintuitive. 

She should be freaking out.

But she wasn’t freaking out…because no matter what happened or who said what, Lexa had a safe place to sleep that night next to a badass chick who held one of the few opinions Lexa gave a shit about on this planet. Clarke had her back, and somehow that meant something. Lexa knew shit could still go down. She was a realist. But that same realism reminded her that she’d never been in a better position to come out than she was in now.

It was time.

Lexa was standing at her locker, putting her underwear on under her towel when Amy and Deb started a towel war behind her. Lexa ignored it, stepping into her jeans before grabbing her bra.

“I know I saw one, Aimz,” Deb was teasing. “Stop covering up and fess up!”

“Back off, perv,” Amy said, although her tone was more playful than angry. “It’s not a hickey.”

“It’s totally a hickey!”

“It’s a bruise.”

“A mouth-shaped bruise on the inside of your tit?”

“I had a very weird fall in the shower,” Amy tried, but even she didn’t buy her own story, it seemed, because she burst out into laughter an instant later.

“You slut!” Deb laughed. “Now dish! Who’s mouth put that there, because that’s a very small love bite. So either you’re into ten-year-old boys or—”

“Gross!” Amy objected.

“Someone’s been experimenting,” Deb finished.

“Jealous?” Amy teased and Lexa smiled.

Of course Deb was jealous. Lexa may not be “out”, but she had gaydar and Deb definitely didn’t register as solidly straight. And Amy wasn’t exactly hands off the girls either, but it always seemed more along the lines of easy physicality than lust sneaking through and it surprised Lexa that Amy might have actually slept with a girl.

“It was just a make out session,” Amy confessed. “We kept our pants on and just played around a little.”

Ah, that sounded more like it, but Lexa didn’t have to turn around to know Deb’s heart had just double-timed.

“You kissed a girl?” Deb teased. “And did you like it?”

Keeping her back to her teammates, Lexa slipped her arms through her bra straps and latched the back, giving the appearance of ignoring them although she totally wasn’t.

“It was…different,” was all Amy had to say. “Like way more gentle than I’m used to…and it kind of bugged that I couldn’t tell if I was turning her on. I mean…with guys you know, right? But with girls there’s a lot more guess work. I didn’t like that.”

It was so odd that the very thing Lexa had to stop herself from fantasizing about was the same thing that Amy was complaining about. Women _were_ harder to figure out, which only made them more fascinating to Lexa. To figure out how to make a woman scream and moan and pant and come while blessing your name?

God, if that wasn’t a reason to get up in the morning, Lexa didn’t know what was.

“But you liked it enough to take your bra off,” Deb pointed out.

“Well, yeah,” Amy replied and Lexa could hear the heat in her cheeks even if she couldn’t see it. “It was like being offered a full-body massage in exchange for going topless. It was nice.”

Straight. Amy was totally straight, Lexa decided. 

Poor Deb.

Amy had been open-minded and experimented like a good college girl, but straight was straight. Waging a war with biology was a losing battle no matter which way your skewed.

Lexa grabbed her shirt and pulled it over her head, grabbing her phone and everything else she needed to get on with her day.

“So…” Deb teased, even though her tone was just a tad too tense for it to be a true tease. “Are you one of those bisexuals now?”

Amy laughed nervously. “I…uh, wouldn’t go that far. It was just a night of fun I talked myself into after three drinks too many.”

“But did the girl know what she was doing?” Deb pressed, and Lexa arched a brow. No one could see her reaction, so it didn’t matter what face Lexa pulled, but Deb was about two sentences away from outing herself and she didn’t even seem to know it.

“I…think so,” Amy said. “It definitely wasn’t her first time.”

Lexa shouldered her bag, double-checked for her keys, and tapped the phone in her pocket. She had everything she needed, yet she was hesitating. The dynamic between Deb and Amy was all too relatable. Deb’s eagerness to get her finger on the pulse of Amy’s sexuality wasn’t all that different than Lexa’s fascination with Clarke. Only in this case it was quite clear to Lexa that Amy was straight while Deb seemed to be clinging to hope that maybe Amy was a bit flexible.

But there was no hope. Not really.

Part of Lexa’s heart broke for Deb, while another part reminded her that this was what awaited her if she kept her crush on Clarke going strong. She had to let it go. She had to find someone new, or she would lean on Clarke, like Deb was leaning on Amy now, until Clarke had nowhere to go unless she pushed away first.

And Lexa really needed Clarke not to push away. Whatever happened from here on out, Lexa had to stay on good terms with Clarke…whatever those terms were.

Shutting her locker, Lexa turned to face her teammates for the first time. 

“Maybe next time I drink too much, I’ll try again,” Amy said and for some reason that stopped Lexa in her tracks.

“Don’t,” Lexa said before she could stop herself, and both Amy and Deb sent her shocked looks. “Or do,” Lexa countered, suddenly not in control of her own mouth anymore. “It's your life, obviously. But it’s okay to like what you like, Amy. You don’t have to drink too much to force yourself to go down on a girl anymore than I should get drunk to go down on a guy.”

Amy and Deb’s jaws fell open in unison.

Had Lexa just said that? Had she _really_ just said that?

She had. She totally had.

“I _knew_ it!” Deb called out. “I fucking knew it!”

Lexa just shrugged, an odd warmth building in her chest and it didn’t fade a bit with what Deb called out next. 

“You guys! It’s official! Lexa’s a fucking dyke!”

A few cheers erupted from other locker banks and a few others walked around to Lexa’s row.

“Officially?” Brook asked from the end of the bank.

Lexa shrugged again, an odd sort of confidence moving through her as she said, “Is it a surprise?”

Brook shook her head. “Not at all, but I always wondered who the first person would be to come out on the team.”

Lexa smiled. “I guess that’s me.”

Brook grinned. “I guess so,” then she held up three fingers and mouthed, _Three more to go._

And Lexa knew exactly who she was talking about.

Coming out to her team felt too normal…almost anticlimactic. No one was offering to buy her drinks or even a high five. Just one cheer of team solidarity and everyone was moving on. Except Amy. Amy was standing right in front of her and making absolutely no attempt to cover her breasts.

 _Eye level,_ Lexa coached herself even though she saw it all after turning. She couldn’t help it. For an athlete, Amy had really, really nice breasts.

“So if you’re gay,” Amy was saying. “Mind answering a question?”

“I, uh, guess not,” Lexa said, feeling more than a little trapped.

“It’s just that…” Amy said, clearing gesturing to her breasts. “I’m always self-conscious. I hate that my boobs aren’t perky. They kind of hang a bit and it makes me self-conscious—”

“Wait. Stop there,” Lexa said, purposefully letting her eyes drop and for the first time in her life allowing herself to imagine what she wanted to do to the breasts she was looking at. When she looked up into Amy’s eyes again…she smiled. “Your tits are amazing, Amy.”

The girl absolutely beamed, appearing to take the comment at face value. “Thanks.”

“Sure.”

And with that, Lexa walked out of the locker room feeling lighter than she had in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost to the fun and insanity...and Costia.
> 
> Yeah. So there's that to look forward to ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the crew plans a party

“What’s with the smile, Griffster?” Raven asked as Clarke glanced down at her phone.

Clarke looked up from her first text from Lexa and wiggled her phone in her hand. “My cute, gay roomie is coming out. She just told her team she’s Kinsey 6.”

Octavia’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait, we’re talking about your tight-ass roommate who never makes eye contact and refuses all fun?”

“The very same,” Clarke beamed. “Although I think she’s about to loosen up a bit. Part of her being so distant was being afraid to come out, I think. So this is a good thing.”

Costia leaned forward, intrigued. “Is she hot?”

Clarke started to shrug before Raven answered for her. “Definitely. But she doesn’t really look gay. She’s pretty girly looking.”

“Hmmm,” Costia purred. “My favorite.”

“Calm down,” Clarke said, hoping she sounded casual. “She’s not a conquest, Costia. She’s my roommate.”

Costia simply shrugged, coyly sipping some of her smoothie. “No promises. You know the clock is ticking on me and girls. If she’s my type, I’m going for it.”

“Gross,” Octavia said, pulling a face. “If you’re with Derrick, be with Derrick. I don’t get the whole concept that it’s not cheating if your banging someone of the same sex. Cheating is cheating.”

“Says you,” Costia said.

“Hey-hey, no fighting,” Raven said before looking back Clarke’s way. “So should we throw your roommate a party or something? Is she 21?”

“I…don’t know,” Clarke said honestly.

“Well, what does she like to do?” Raven pressed.

“I…don’t know that either,” Clarke confessed. “I mean, we really didn’t talk at all until a few nights ago.”

“We should stalk her on social media,” Octavia said, pulling out her phone. “That will give us some clues as to what she’s into.”

Clarke shrugged. “I tried to look her up in the fall, but she said she doesn’t do social media.”

“But she’s on a team,” Octavia argued. “Anyone into sports is going to be on some platform. She has to Instagram. What sport does she play?”

“I…”

“Let me guess,” Costia drawled, grabbing her phone to join the hunt. “You don’t know that either.”

“I don’t.”

Raven shook her head. “You are a seriously sucky roommate, Griffster.”

“Pretty much,” Clarke muttered.

“What about her name?” Costia asked, her voice laced with sarcasm. “Do you at least know that much?”

“Lexa Woods,” Clarke said, glad to finally get something right.

“I’m not seeing anything on SnapChat,” Octavia offered.

“Instagram is a bust,” Costia said.

Clarke felt a little better. “I told you guys that she wasn’t—”

“We have a hit on Facebook,” Raven said over her.

Octavia’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “Facebook? Seriously?”

Costia shook her head. “This girl seriously needs our mentorship.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “Yeah, and we know what mentorship looks like when you’re the—”

“I said no fighting!” Raven demanded before turning her phone so Clarke could see it. “Is this her, Clarke? I’m not seeing any team sport stuff, but is your roommate into Capoeira?” 

“Capoeira?” Clarke asked. “I don’t even know what that is.”

“It’s a Brazilian martial art,” Costia said, taking Raven’s phone to get a better look at the pictures. “And lord help me if this is your roommate, Clarke. You might have to switch me rooms and live with Raven and Octavia for the rest of the semester.”

“Let me see,” Clarke said, reaching for the phone.

“Wait,” Costia said, holding it hostage. “Someone tagged her in a video—a fight video.”

“A fight?” Clarke asked.

“Sparring,” Octavia clarified as they all huddled around Costia.

When she pressed play, two people facing each other in a ring did a side-by-side round off followed by a backflip before starting a weird little dance thing.

“Is that her?” Costia asked over her shoulder.

“It…” Clarke looked closely at the small screen, waiting for the two people to move until she could see faces. “…is.”

“Hot damn,” Costia grinned. “And she’s actually good. Derrick got into Capoeira for like a year before settling into MMA, but he was never this good. It looks like your roommate has been doing this for a while.”

Clarke had to admit that once the sparring started going, it was really cool to watch. A lot of spinning and jumping and flipping. It really didn’t look like much of a fight at all. And yes, Lexa looked pretty damn badass. It helped that she was facing off against a guy, but you really couldn’t tell who the guy was and who the girl was based just on their movements.

They were both just good.

“I call dibs!” Costia announced. “This little gay cupcake is all mine.”

“Uh, I think she has a say in the matter,” Clarke argued, not hiding her annoyance very well. “I think she needs friends right now more than she needs to be someone’s conquest.”

“Oooh, someone’s protective,” Costia teased.

“It’s a fair point,” Raven said with a shrug. “She just came out this week. She may need time to acclimate.”

“And she may need willing sexual partners to gain confidence with,” Costia said with a shrug. “Like Clarke said, let’s let her decide.”

“But first things first,” Octavia said. “The girl needs a social media intervention—especially if she’s going to be hanging out with us.”

“The Little O speaks truth,” Raven said with a solemn nod. “The only reason I have Facebook is so I can selectively post pictures for my mom to see.”

“Me, too,” said Clarke, reaching over Costia’s shoulder to back out of the video and click on Lexa’s photos—or at least the ones Facebook would let them see without being friends. After several scrolls down, she hit pay dirt. “Volleyball! She plays volleyball.”

“So she can kick a man’s ass and spike a ball,” Costia purred. “I say again: Yum.”

“Oh my god,” Octavia moaned. “Keep it in your pants already, Cos. You haven’t even met her. If she talks to you at all it will because Clarke bridged the gap and made intros. The girl is shy as fuck.”

Costia eyed the pictures. “Shy? Or guarded? There’s a difference.”

Clarke bit her lip as she realized Costia was right. There was a difference. And based on the pictures she was looking at, Lexa didn’t look all that shy. But guarded? Yes. Lexa was definitely that.

“So back to the original question,” Raven said. “Coming out party, or no coming out party?”

Octavia’s hand shot up. “Definitely a party!”

Clarke nodded. “Totally.”

“Yes, please,” Costia finished. “With serious lap dances involved.”

“And alcohol,” Octavia said.

“But if she doesn’t drink, we take it easy,” Clarke said.

“Of course,” Raven agreed. “Baby steps into the abyss for our little Kinsey 6.”

“And the gays and bis should outnumber the straights on our invitation list,” Clarke added. “Just so she doesn’t feel like the token lesbian.”

“So we invite Monroe,” Raven said, starting to make a list.

“Jasper and Monty,” Octavia added.

“Miller,” Costia purred.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “He’s gay, Cos.”

“I know. But a girl can dream.”

“Lincoln,” Octavia added.

“He’s straight,” Costia argued.

“Well, so am I,” Octavia  shot back. “We token straights need some eye candy, too.”

“Then bring Bellamy along too,” Costia said.

Raven kept writing names down until they had two dozen names. A respectable number for a coming out party.

“Okay, Griff,” Raven said, looking up. “Next move is on you. Ask your roomie when a good night is, and we’ll rock her world.”

“I’ll let you know,” Clarke said, a odd feeling in the pit of her stomach suddenly making her feel a little less certain that the party was a good idea.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos unlock the next chapter, so if you want more, feel free to click away.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two roommates get ready for a party...Clarke imparts tactical advise.

“So…” Clarke said as Lexa stepped out of their dorm bathroom. “Are you ready for this?”

Lexa glanced up at her. “A party with all of your friends? Is there a way to be ready for that?”

Clarke smiled. “Not really.”

Lexa fidgeted with her clothes in the wall mirror before turning to Clarke and giving a little shrug. “Do I pass visual inspection?”

“Of course,” Clarke said, biting back some of the suggestions she would have made if they knew her roommate better. Jeans, t-shirt, and a pony tail didn’t exactly scream party, but Lexa was the guest of honor so she could wear whatever she wanted. “Although, fair warning, Raven and Octavia are absolutely going to want to take you shopping. It’s nothing personal against you. It’s just their way of showing love.”

“Okay,” Lexa breathed.

“And you will definitely be asked who has the best rack,” Clarke warned. “Raven and Octavia will pretend to argue about why it’s them, but everyone knows you’re going to say Costia.”

Lexa’s brow arched. “Costia?”

Clarke nodded. “Trust me. You’ll understand when you see.”

“I guess,” Lexa said, not making eye contact.

Clarke hesitated, not sure whether she was breaching some friend code with what she said next, but it had to be said. Lexa needed a heads up. “And about Costia…”

Lexa looked up. “Yeah?”

“Do you know what a LUG is?”

Lexa’s eyebrows drew together. “A LUG?”

Clarke nodded. “A Lesbian Until Graduation? That’s basically Costia in a nutshell.”

“How…?”

“Yeah, it’s confusing,” Clarke said when Lexa couldn’t quite form an actual question. “But know that she has a boyfriend in Memphis that she fully intends to marry, but that she’s having fun while in college. And she likes girls because there’s zero chance of getting pregnant or getting caught on ‘dates’, since she can just claim she’s hanging out with a friend.”

“So she’s bi, but in the closet about it?” Lexa said, clearly trying to wrap her head around the situation.

“Bi-ish,” Clarke tried to explain. “She loves to fuck girls, but she will definitely pick a man for an actual relationship. She has no interest in rocking the social boat or going to pride parades. Costia graduates this semester, and she fully intends on going home and becoming a preacher’s wife.”

“Okaaaaaay,” was all Lexa had to say about that.

“Yeah,” Clarke said, feeling better for having gotten that out of the way. “I’m just telling you this because there’s a 100% chance Costia is going to try to get in your pants—especially when she finds out you’re a virgin. Deflowering virgins is pretty much her kink.”

Lexa blinked, processing that. “A preacher’s wife with a kink of deflowering virgins? That’s…problematic.”

Clarke shrugged. “I’m guessing she’ll mend her ways once she has a diploma in her hands. But until then, know that you’ll have a target painted on you if Costia finds out that your badass _and_ hot _and_ untouched. She won’t be able to resist you. She’ll come after you full steam.”

Lexa’s brow arched up. “You think I’m badass and hot?”

“Uh, yeah,” Clarke said with a smile. “That goes without saying, right?”

Lexa chewed her lip self-consciously and Clarke did her best not to stare. “Does it?”

“Pretty much, little Miss Backflips-Into-A-Fight,” Clarke laughed. “You’re pretty badass. I thought you had abs of steel thanks to good DNA, but apparently you actually work at it. Volleyball? Capoeira? What else do I not know about you?”

To Clarke’s surprise, Lexa actually blushed. “I just like doing stuff like that. It’s not a big deal.”

“Incorrect,” Clarke said playfully. “Kind of a big deal. You’re a hot lesbian who can not only hold her own in a fight with a man, but who is also the star player on a college sports team. I don’t think you know how much sex appeal that gives you. Girls are going to be crawling out of the woodwork once word travels that you’re available.”

Lexa’s hands pushed in to her pockets. “And if I’m not available?”

Clarke couldn’t help it. She grinned and thought of Costia’s disappointment. “Well, then, you’re going to have to find all sorts of ways to turn girls down. It will be your burden to bear for coming out of the closet.”

Lexa shook her head, laughing lightly. “Yeah…pretty sure that’s not going to be a problem.”

“Uh-huh,” Clarke teased. “Let me know if you feel that way after tonight.”

“I’m sure nothing will change.”

Clarke laughed and reached for the door before remembering something and turning back. “Oh, and one more thing.”

Lexa paused mid-step. “Yeah?”

“Have…you really never kissed anyone before?”

Once again, Lexa’s bottom lip disappeared between her teeth. “Uh, why do you ask?”

Clarke did her best to keep her tone casual even though a slight tickle was starting to run up and down her spine. “Because…that’s likely going to be on the menu tonight.”

“Kissing?”

Clarke nodded. “Probably. Unless you want me to run interference, all the girls will probably line up and kiss you tonight. It’ll all be in good fun, of course,” Clarke rambled, finding it hard to hold Lexa’s gaze for some reason. “But if you’ve never kissed anyone before and you want it to be special or mean something, then I can totally shut that part of the evening down…if you want.”

For several moments, Lexa said nothing. “And if I don’t want to kiss everyone?” she said at last.

“Then it won’t happen,” Clarke said quickly while trying to hide her relief. “Tonight’s about you. Not everyone else. I’ll just tell everyone to skip that part.”

Lexa nodded and Clarke thought that was that until she said, “Although…”

Clarke gripped the door handle. “Yeah?”

“That does sound kind of awesome,” she said with a grin. “A whole bunch of hot girls lining up to kiss me?”

Clarke forced herself to smile. “Yeah. It kind of does.”

“But…doesn’t that get weird after?”

Clarke tilted her head, confused. “Weird? How?”

The light blush was back on Lexa’s cheeks, triggering a protective instinct in Clarke she hadn’t really known she had until recently. “Kissing people you hang out with. Doesn’t that get weird?”

When Clarke laughed, it was genuine. “Oh, don’t worry about that. There are a whole lot of things about my friends that are weirder than kissing them. I’ve kissed 90% of the people you’ll meet tonight—even a lot of the gay guys. Pansexual spin-the-bottle at parties has that result.”

Lexa’s eyebrows almost disappeared into her hairline. “So you’ve kissed…”

“My friends?” Clarke filled in. “Yeah. Raven and I have even made out more than once on a dare. It’s no big thing.”

Clarke couldn’t get a read on Lexa’s reaction because she was staring at the floor. “How many people have you kissed?”

“Me?” Clarke said, feeling uneasy for some reason. “I honestly have no clue. Not gonna lie, I have a history of being a lip whore. I’m usually pretty picky about actually having sex with someone, but kissing?” She shrugged. “I’m a sucker for a good kiss.”

“I see.”

Okay. Clarke didn’t know why, but things were suddenly awkward. “But it’s cool if you want to save your first kiss for someone you care about,” Clarke babbled. “You don’t strike me as a lip slut and—”

“Clarke?”

Clarke cleared her throat. “Yeah?”

“Are you a good kisser?”

Clarke smirked. “Well, Lexa, everyone thinks they’re a good kisser, just like everyone thinks they’re a good driver.”

This time Lexa smiled. “Well, I’ve never kissed anyone and I don’t have a driver’s license. I know I suck at both.”

“Oh, Lexa,” Clarke laughed. “Have you seen your lips? There is a 0% chance that you suck at kissing.”

“But kissing is more than lips.”

“It is,” Clarke said. “But you don’t need to worry about that tonight. Just give people a landing pad and they’ll do all the work trying to get a rise out of you. You can trust me on that. Just let me know if you want me to stop the kissing line from happening at all. I want this to be fun for you, not stressful. Okay?”

When Clarke turned the knob to their door and started out, Lexa’s hand moved out to push the door shut again. Clarke turned back to Lexa and found her roommate looking at her.

“So you’re going to kiss me tonight?”

Clarke hesitated. “If we do it, yeah. It would be weird if I didn’t.”

Lexa seemed to process that.

Crap. She was freaking her out. Clarke tried for a backpeddle. “But if you don’t want me to, then I will totally—”

“What if you kiss me now then?”

The world seemed to stop mid-spin, knocking Clarke off balance in the process. “Huh?”

For the first time since the conversation started, Lexa looked totally calm. “I mean, if you’re going to kiss me later, why not kiss me now and give me some tips?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said, maybe a little too loudly and a little too quickly. “I mean, sure. If you want. No biggie.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course.” Why were her palms sweating? Two seconds ago they’d been dry. Clarke dragged them along her pants, trying be subtle about it. “I mean, it’s not rocket science.”

“Too bad,” Lexa joked. “I’m actually not bad at that.”

“Yeah? Well, then you and Raven will get along famously.” A joke. A joke was good.

“That’s good to know.” 

Lexa’s calm, steady gaze was throwing Clarke a bit. She didn’t look like a nervous first-time kisser. She looked…confident. And for the first time in her kissing life, Clarke was feeling less-than.

“So,” Lexa said. “What do I do?”

“Well…” Clarke cleared her throat. “You’ll be sitting down and your hands will be tied or cuffed—depending on whatever Raven finds first in her dresser.”

Lexa’s eyebrow arched up. “Okay.”

Clarke gestured over to the built-in desk on Lexa’s side of the room and it’s chair, motioning for Lexa to sit. “The girls will literally line up. And fyi, how much they have to drink before they do that depends on how much you drink tonight. But the more they drink, the raunchier they’re likely to be. Either way, sober or drunk, you can bet that they’re going to do whatever they feel they need to do to try to get you to declare them the best kisser. So, like I said, they’re going to do all the work.”

The air felt thinner in the room when Lexa sat down and Clarke fought to keep the vibe light. “By the way, staring at boobs is totally allowed during this part of the night,” she said, giving her jugs a light pat. “But if you look too long, there might be demands for a motor boat.”

One side of Lexa’s mouth ticked up. “Good to know.” When Lexa’s eyes dropped down to take in Clarke’s cleavage, Clarke could have sworn the back of her neck burst into flames.

_Keep going. Just keep going._

“So, basically,” Clarke said, wiping her hands on her pants again. “Just aim for lips and don’t miss and you’re golden.”

Lexa’s eyes narrowed skeptically. “I somehow doubt that’s all there is to it.”

“Not tonight,” Clarke said, moving into straddle Lexa. When the girl jumped at the contact, Clarke felt her face flush. “Oh, sorry. Um, the girls will probably straddle you when they kiss you, just because it makes for a better angle than standing over you while you’re sitting down.”

“Sure,” Lexa said quickly. “Makes sense.”

Okay, so she _was_ nervous. That made Clarke feel better for some reason and she settled into her roommate’s lap. “So they’ll sit like this, or maybe side-saddle if that’s what they’re feeling, and then they’ll just go for it.”

“Oka—”

Clarke didn’t let Lexa overthink what came next. Or maybe she didn’t want to overthink it herself. She just leaned in and connected their lips. It was a light kiss, chaste even, but a charge ran through Clarke left her feeling like even her hair was sweating.

Lexa’s lips felt just as soft as she’d imagined they would as she slanted her mouth across Lexa’s and brought her hand up to Lexa’s jaw. She let her fingertips trace lightly there for a moment before placing her thumb on Lexa’s chin and gently urging her mouth open. Her tongue reached out to Lexa before Clarke consciously gave it permission to do so, but she pulled it back when she felt Lexa freeze.

She was moving too fast.

Embarrassed, Clarke started to pull back, only to have Lexa’s lips latch back on and pull her back in. This time it was Lexa’s tentative tongue that breached the barrier and Clarke met her half way, showing Lexa how she personally liked to be kissed.

Lexa caught on quickly. Maybe too quickly. Clarke was a breath away from moaning and grinding in when she  managed to pull away and smile down at her roommate.

“And that, my friend, is all there is to it.”

Was the room spinning? Because Clarke was pretty sure it was spinning. And the taste of Lexa’s mouth? The feel of it? There was nothing more Clarke wanted to do than lean in and experience it all over again.

“Damn,” Lexa breathed, the curse caressing Clarke’s neck on Lexa’s exhale. “I can see why you’re a lip whore. That was amazing.”

Pleased despite herself, Clarke grinned ear-to-ear. “See? I told you you’d be a natural. No expert tips required. You’re golden.”

Lexa’s eyes seemed to study her. “You liked it?”

Clarke stood back up, hoping she looked steadier than she felt. “Babe, I can tell you with certainty that you are already a better kisser than anyone who’s going to lock lips with you tonight. That was fucking awesome. And, yes, that’s a true-blue endorsement coming from a lip whore.”

Lexa stood from the chair, and for some reason she suddenly felt too close. And taller. Clarke took a step back.

“So that’s all that’s going to happen tonight?” Lexa asked. “Just a line of girls kissing me like that?”

“Well, not like _that,_ ” Clarke teased, hoping her playful demeanor covered the fact that she was retreating and more jealous than she wanted to be. “Everyone pretty much has their own style of locking lips and clashing tongues, but yeah. Basically that.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Clarke repeated.

Lexa nodded. “I can do that. You don’t have to stop them for me. I’m good for it.”

Part of Clarke’s stomach sunk at the news, but she swallowed her disappointment with a smile and once again reached for the door knob. “Okay then, girl. Get ready for a very memorable night.”

“Looking forward to it,” Lexa said before Clarke opened the door and motioned for her to walk through it. Clarke waited until Lexa walked through before dropping her smile and locking the door behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know kudos are my catnip, so you know what to do if you want more ;)
> 
> Also, if you like it, please feel free to share. The more the merrier!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let the party begin!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 600 Kudos was the magic number to open this chapter, so thank you to everyone who gave me a click. Much appreciated. This is for you :)
> 
> Hope you likey!

The party was insanity. Officially.

Lexa had been to more than enough parties in her day, but none of them had been remotely like this. She was used to a more joyless and desperate vibe—people looking for connection and only finding cheap substitutes in the form of meaningless sex or lonely highs…or the combination of both. 

Lexa had obviously never helped anyone out with the meaningless sex part, but she’d hooked people up with the lonely high more than once…more than a hundred times. Hell, more than a thousand. She wasn’t proud of that, but it was the world she’d come from—a world where minors did the dealing wherever possible so the adults could cover their own asses. A world where if you wanted a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, you had to be a “good girl” and deliver a “package” to so-and-so down the street without anybody seeing you. Or, when you were a little older, go into a party wearing a certain marker so everyone knew you were the one who could hook them up—all while being able to spot the cops and deal in a way that didn’t get you caught.

But this was not the kind of party. No one was sad or desperate or addicted. Lexa was pretty sure she’d heard more laughter in one night than in the rest of her life combined.

Everyone was drinking. A lot. Lexa was glad Clarke had given her the heads up that people would be taking their cue from her on how much to drink. No, Lexa wasn’t drinking. Not really. But she knew how to fake fitting in at a party with the best of them. Filling a cup and dumping it over time before going for a refill really wasn’t that hard. And the more people drank around her, the easier it was to fly under the radar.

It was also easier to get a read on people by staying sober, which was something life had taught Lexa to do compulsively.

Pretty much everyone at the party was harmless, although there was a shit-ton of hormones flying around—most of them pretty gay. Lincoln, Octavia, Bellamy, Finn, and Maya were straight, but everyone else, not so much. Bellamy had a crush on Clarke. No surprise there, but Finn was definitely ahead of Bellamy in the line to Clarke’s bed. He and Clarke were playing it cool tonight and hadn’t kissed or anything, but Finn had whispered more than one thing into Clarke’s ear that had earned him a big, wide smile. 

But Lexa was trying not to think about that.

Then there was the whole weird Jasper situation. So far, he had spent the night at Monty’s side, but he kept looking Maya’s direction. That couldn’t end well. 

Monroe was into Harper and Harper was into Bellamy. Raven was a tough read, but Clarke had been right about Costia.

Goddamn but that girl was beautiful.

Even knowing Costia was a LUG, it was impossible not to appreciate the girl for the thing of beauty that she was. 

Lexa didn’t want to stare. She didn’t. She wasn’t even sure why she was. It wasn’t like with Clarke, where Lexa’s body went haywire and she forgot how to breathe. Looking at Costia was more like sitting on a beach and watching a gorgeous sunset. There was just something soothing about seeing something pretty…about staring at a perfect breasts and receiving a knowing look that told her she was welcome to look as much as she liked.

Costia liked being looked at as much as Lexa’s eyes liked to look. And after a lifetime of averting her eyes—and trying not to stare at one other party goer in particular just then—it felt good to have permission to gawk. It was almost cathartic.

“I told you,” Clarke said, sneaking up behind her. “Best rack, am I right?”

Lexa felt herself jump at the feel of Clarke’s breath on her neck, but quickly found a smile. “I was a doubter, but…”

Clarke’s eyes locked on Costia as well. “Da-yamn. Right?”

“Damn,” Lexa agreed.

Clarke grinned, apparently pleased at being proven correct.

“And her skin,” Lexa added before she could think better of it. “What kind of lotion does she use?”

“You’d have to ask her,” Clarke teased, the alcohol on her breath more than a little apparent.

Lexa looked her roommate over. She’d downed eight shots in the last hour. Lexa had counted. “You wasted yet?” 

“Nah,” Clarke said, clearly buzzed. “Mama didn’t raise no cheap drunks.”

“I can see that.”

Clarke gripped Lexa’s hand and pulled her back toward the party. “And what are you doing over here, Guest of Honor? You’re supposed to be having fun, not lurking.”

“I’m having fun,” Lexa said. “At least my version of it.”

“Watching people like a serial killer is your version of fun?” Clarke said. “We seriously need to introduce you to lap dances.”

 _Yes, please,_ Lexa thought as Clarke yelled out to the rest of the room. “Raven! Get the cuffs!”

Everyone cheered.

Lexa bit her lip and looked at Clarke nervously. “Is this the…thing?”

Clarke nodded. “You bet your sweet ass. Time to exercise those lips of yours.”

Across the room, Raven’s hand shot up into the air, handcuffs hanging off of one finger. Lexa felt herself tense at the sight, almost pulling back. But one look at Clarke and Lexa stopped herself.

She was safe. This was okay. Being restrained had never ended well for Lexa in the past, but Clarke would make sure it was okay…and if it wasn’t, Lexa had a safe word. Lexa wasn’t good at trusting, but she had to believe Clarke would honor that.

“Tonight we settle a longstanding debate once and for all,” Raven called out, spinning the cuffs around her finger before holding up her other hand. It held a blindfold. “Tonight we find out who the best female kisser is out of all of us and Lexa is going to be the judge!”

Lexa stopped in her tracks. “Wait. What?”

“Make way!” Octavia called out, pulling a chair to the center of the room.

“A blindfold?” Lexa objected.

Clarke shrugged, dragging her to the chair. “I guess so. Gotta make sure your judgment is impartial.”

“The rules are simple!” Raven declared. “No hands. Contestants must clasp their hands behind their backs at all times. Only lip and body contact are allowed. The kiss ends when lips leave lips for longer than a second. No face or body kisses. Rogue hand contact anywhere also counts as a disqualification.”

Lexa hadn’t even thought about it, but no hands was a really good rule. She could still recall the light touch of Clarke’s fingers along her face just a few hours before and the way Clarke’s hands had tangled in her hair when they really started going. It had all felt like a surreal dream.

She might be up for kissing all these girls, but she didn’t necessarily want to be felt up.

“The official judge will be cuffed and blindfolded and will only be told the number of each contestant,” Raven finished. “And the last rule? All females present are required to participate and all males are disallowed.”

“M’lady,” Octavia said, gesturing to the chair. “Your throne awaits.”

Sending a nervous look to Clarke and receiving a thumbs up in return, Lexa took a seat and allowed Raven to cuff her hands around the back of the chair. Moments later, the blindfold was on and it wasn’t a cheap thing she could see through. It was a legit blindfold. Lexa couldn’t see a thing.

“Contestant number one!” Raven called out. “Please assume the position.”

Just like Clarke promised, Lexa felt legs straddle her lap. 

Not Clarke’s. 

The hips were too narrow and the thighs too bony. Lexa went through a mental list of the party attendees and decided that it was either Tara, Monroe, Harper, Fox, or Octavia.

When lips pressed to hers, Lexa went with it. Kissing was a skill, after all. Just like fighting, it took practice. And the more people you fought, the more capable you were of fighting and the more you knew what worked for you and what didn’t.

Sparring wasn’t personal, and kissing didn’t need to be either. It was just you and a partner practicing your skills on each other…while a whole bunch of spectators sat around whooping and hollering.

Contestant #1, however, was a pretty average “fighter” in Lexa’s opinion. Nothing she did really drew Lexa in, even though it was clear that the girl was working it. Lexa played along, searching for a move she wanted to use herself until the girl broke away.

“Contestant number two,” Raven cried. “Assume the position!”

And so it went. One girl after another, all of them pretty forgettable until Raven called for contestant five and Lexa felt a pair of lush thighs settle into her lap.

Not Clarke. But…damn.

Lexa had stared at this body enough throughout the night to know who was straddling her just then. Costia—beautiful-as-a-tropical-sunset Costia. And Clarke was right. Feeling her body up close and personal wasn’t a “damn” moment; it was a “da-yamn” moment.

When soft pillowing lips pressed into Lexa’s, she understood why Clarke had declared Lexa a good kisser by default back at the dorm. Pillowy lips felt amazing. And the way Costia was making sure Lexa felt the press of her breasts combined with the expert skill of her tongue?

Yes. This was a woman who could teach her things.

Lexa leaned into the kiss, mimicking a lot of Costia’s moves and enjoying the surprised little shivers that ran through Costia’s body when she did something right. Lexa wasn’t fully aware that Costia was pulling away from her and ending the kiss until Lexa’s cuffed hands stopped her from leaning forward any farther. Then the press of breasts was gone and the warm crotch left her lap.

Damn. Just damn, damn, damn.

Contestant number six brought another small, thin body into Lexa’s lap. This girl had no curves to speak of, which kind of put them bone on bone. Not Lexa’s thing. The girl’s lips were gentle and practiced, but a little dull. And, to be gross, her spit felt a little thick, making Lexa hesitant to tangle tongues.

Who knew thick spit was a thing?

Luckily, the girl didn’t stick around long before it was time for the next. Number seven. 

How many girls were there? This was starting to feel endless, and even the lecherous boys cheering on the sidelines seemed to be getting tired of catcalling.

The next pair of lips that met Lexa’s were forceful and straightforward with no intent to seduce even though the girl's body was moving seductively against hers. Octavia. Lexa was sure of it and some competitive part in Lexa decided she wanted to make Clarke’s friend enjoy the kiss, if only for a moment. She tried to repeat one of Costia’s better moves, but after a series of closed-mouth kisses, Octavia simply pulled away and it was onto the next.

A new pair of thighs straddled her, and before the ass even hit her lap, Lexa knew the body in front of her. Even though she’s only been in this position once before, she instantly recognized the feel of those thighs and the weight of Clarke’s body. Lexa was processing that realization when a pair of teeth bit her bottom lip and pulled her mouth open before claiming her mouth.

Lexa leaned into the kiss, her hands fighting the cuffs on instinct before giving up and directing all of her energy into Clarke’s mouth. She could taste the lemon drop shots on Clarke’s tongue as she explored Clarke’s mouth using a few of the moves she’d learned from Costia. When Clarke rewarded her by letting out the tiniest of moans and rocking her hips in, Lexa had to pant for air, careful not to stay away from Clarke's lips more than a second before latching back on and willing Clarke to press in like Costia had.

People were screaming around them, but Lexa didn’t care. Not knowing what else to do, she sucked Clarke’s tongue into her mouth—hard—and fought to contain her smile when Clarke rocked her hips and pressed her body flush to Lexa’s.

Clarke was smaller than Costia in the breast department, but she felt perfect against Lexa’s slim frame. It was insane how much Lexa wanted to reach up and map the body in front of her. Her nose already knew Clarke’s scent and her tongue recognized her taste even underneath the vodka. It was amazing at the same time it was terrifying.

Getting attached was not something Lexa did, yet here she was…imprinting on a girl she barely knew. The part of Lexa that only knew loss and tragedy panicked, not knowing how this could end well even as she didn’t know how to stop it from happening at all.

All she knew in that moment was the very same thing she’d known back at the dorm—she didn’t want to be the one sitting on the chair when it was her and Clarke. She wanted to be the one straddling Clarke’s lap. She wanted Clarke’s hands on her hips, even though she’d never felt them there before. It was so weird to her that her wants with Clarke were so particular, despite her inexperience. But her body knew what it wanted, it seemed. And the thought of Clarke’s territorial grip digging into her hips while Lexa worshipped her with her hands and lips had Lexa feeling a little dizzy.

Whenever the next time was that she kissed Clarke—and there _would_ be a next time—Lexa did not want to be sitting down, and she didn’t want her hands restrained. And if anyone was going to be spread eagle, Lexa wanted it to be her. Just the thought of Clarke between her legs had Lexa’s knees pushing apart and her hips rolling forward even as Clarke straddled above her.

 _Switch me spots and I’m yours,_ was all Lexa could think as lips left hers and the kiss ended.

When Clarke broke away to a solid round of applause, the world suddenly felt a whole lot cooler. Some primal part in Lexa’s brain wanted to chuck the rest of the game and drag Clarke to the nearest bed, but Lexa was very practiced in ignoring her impulses.

So she stayed where she was.

The next pair of lips that met hers were shy. Embarrassed. _I’m not the only virgin here,_ was all Lexa could think as the girl pulled away.

Maya? Lexa was guessing it was Maya.

“And last but not least,” Raven called out. “Contestant number ten.”

Number ten mounted Lexa like she was a stripper pole, swinging into place and clamping in. Then she leaned in and gave Lexa a master class in the art of kissing. There was nothing warm about the touch—nothing personal—but the technique was beyond anything Lexa could mimic. Contestant number ten was the Olympic gymnast of kissing.

Lexa didn’t even try to meet the girl half way. She just let the girl do her thing until she pulled away, knowing that she was going to have dreams trying to figure out what had just happened to her. Because she _definitely_ wanted to be able to kiss like that someday.

When the hips and lips left her, Raven declared the competition complete and removed Lexa’s blindfold.

“We now await the judge’s deliberations,” Raven said and Lexa panicked.

Shit. Should she choose Clarke, or was that too weird? Yes, Clarke had owned that competition for her, but would it make things uncomfortable if Lexa said so and then she and Clarke had to go back and sleep in the same room?

She glanced up, noting the competitive look Clarke and Costia were sending each other. Both of them wanted to win. Costia was a no. She definitely hadn’t won, but if Lexa chose Clarke would she make things weird? Because things couldn’t be weird. They just couldn’t.

Shit. Shit. Shit. What should she do?

“And what is your verdict, oh impartial judge?” Octavia asked.

Lexa purposefully didn’t look Clarke’s way again as she made her snap decision and played along with Octavia’s tone as she answered. “I declare that you all saved the best for last. Contestant number ten is the winner.”

Costia, Clarke, and Octavia’s mouths all fell open as Raven shot both fists into the air in victory. “Hear that, bitches? Me! Official Best Kisser. Suck it, ladies!”

Lexa blinked, surprised but not surprised that the expert had been Raven. The girl gave off the vibe that she was good at everything she did.

“Unfair!” Fox cried out. “I demand a recount!”

“No recount required,” Raven beamed. “I won. Fair and square. Ask Kinsey 6 here.”

Lexa blushed and shrugged. “I stand by my decision.”

There were a series of groans and a round of applause before Finn voiced a complaint.

“After watching all that kissing, I think it’s only fair that the guys get a shot, too,” he called out. “Who’s up for Pansexual Spin the Bottle?”

Almost every hand in the room shot up.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is introduced to Pansexual Spin the Bottle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes out to the Kudos givers and the commenters. You make writing fun!
> 
> As always, hope you like it!

Once Lexa heard the rules for Pansexual Spin the Bottle, she opted out. 

Rule #1: You kissed whoever the bottle pointed to on your turn, regardless of the sex or sexual orientation of the person.

Rule #2: Refusing to kiss or waiting longer than ten seconds to initiate the kiss was an automatic disqualification.

Rule #3: Everything done over clothes was allowed.

Rule #4: The safe word to stop a kiss was “Uncle,” but anyone who used it was immediately disqualified from the game.

Rule #5: When someone was disqualified, the person to their left spun the bottle next.

As Official Best Kisser on the Planet, Raven declared herself the referee and chose not to participate. A few others opted out, too, so Lexa didn’t feel like too much of a killjoy as she watched others, including Clarke, play. She couldn’t help but smile when an eager Finn spun the bottle and it landed on Lincoln. When Lincoln playfully wiggled his tongue at Finn in invitation, the guy visibly deflated.

“Ah, man,” Finn muttered.

Across from him, Lincoln reached down between his legs and gave his junk a tug. “Come on, Finny. Come and get it.”

Octavia threw her head back and laughed, clearly loving Lincoln’s tactics as she played along.

“Yum-yum, Finny,” Octavia cooed, licking her lips for Finn even as Lincoln watched her with hooded eyes. “Lincy-pooh has din-din for you.”

Lexa quietly gagged.

“Ugh! You guys are so gross!” Finn complained while Lexa marveled at how seriously they were taking winning.

“Five second warning,” Raven warned as everyone started to chant.

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!”

Lincoln cat crawled Finn’s direction. “C’mon, lover boy. Just one kiss.” But when Lincoln reached out for Finn’s crotch, the other guy bolted.

“No way, dude!”

“Ten seconds. Disqualified!” Raven announced. “And a reminder to all that this is PANsexual Spin the Bottle. Don’t sign up unless you’re ready to bring it.”

Yeah. In that moment, Lexa was _really_ glad she hadn’t signed up. Still it was kind of ironic that it had been Finn’s idea to play the game to begin with and he wasn’t even going to get one kiss out of it.

In front of Lexa, Octavia offered Lincoln a high five and they celebrated the easy victory while Monroe spun only to have it land on Jasper. They both pulled _yuck_ faces, but made the kiss happen with a little less theatrics than Lincoln and Finn.

But after that, things got more spirited. And athletic. And hilarious.

Pansexual Spin the Bottle was definitely a spectator sport in Lexa’s world. Oh, the things people would do try to get others to flee or cry “uncle.” And the longer the game went, the more extreme it got.

The first time the bottle landed on Clarke, it was on Fox’s spin and the girl had exactly zero poker face when she saw who the bottle had picked. She grinned ear-to-ear.

Lexa did not. But she did watch.

Fox wasted no time crawling over to Clarke and kneeling in front of her. Then she grabbed Clarke by the back of her head and kissed her with enthusiasm. Clarke didn’t back away. At all. In fact, she reached around Fox and pulled her in as they rose on their knees, bodies now flush. A flash of temper washed through Lexa when Clarke brought her hands back around to the other girl’s front and slid them up to palm Fox’s breasts. 

Fox panted against Clarke’s mouth, doubling down on the kiss as her hands slid under the hem of Clarke’s shirt. Clarke let go of a breast to emphatically point to Fox’s hands.

“Disqualification!” Raven cried out. “Contact under the clothes!”

Both of Clarke’s hands shot up into the air triumphantly as she broke off the kiss.

Lexa blinked, processing what she’d just seen. Clarke had grabbed Fox’s breasts with the intent of turning her on enough to make her forget the rules?

This game was brutal.

“Ah, man!” Fox objected. “No fair.”

“Totally fair,” Raven retorted. “Clarke’s spin!”

Clarke gave the bottle a solid spin. When the stopped bottle pointed to Monty, he let out a squeak and flinched back. “No!”

“Yes!” Clarke teased, surging forward. “Monty, prepare to be mounted!”

The guy crab-walked back, but his laugh gave him away as Clarke covered the distance between them and straddled Monty, pinning him to the ground as she leaned over him.

“Clarke, no!” he cried out, but it was in vain. Everyone around them was cheering and his smile was too wide for anyone to take his distress seriously. Besides, “no” wasn’t the safe word here, “uncle” was.

“Pucker up, Princess,” Clarke said before grabbing Monty’s face and smashing their lips together. When he shook his head ‘no’ Clarke pulled away. “Oh, that’s how you want it?”

Monty appeared to catch on to Clarke’s meaning before everyone else, allowing him to scream as Clarke used her grip on his head to press his face into her cleavage.

“Say ‘no’ now, Buttercup,” she laughed, and everyone cheered. Even Lexa couldn’t help but laugh as she bit her lip and imagined herself in Monty’s position.

Man, some guys had all the luck.

Monty spun the bottle and got Bellamy. Bellamy spun and got Monroe. Monroe spun and visibly celebrated when she got Harper—a smile that disappeared when Harper spun and got Clarke.

“This bottle is rigged!” Costia complained when, once again, the bottle didn’t choose her. Everyone had had multiple turns and she was left twiddling her thumbs. She glanced Lexa’s direction. “Maybe I should just go make out with the newbie until it lands on me.”

“You’re in or you’re out, Cos,” Raven declared. “Leave the circle and you’re disqualified.”

Costia groaned and rolled her eyes, but she stayed where she was. Lexa breathed a sigh of relief.

Meanwhile, Clarke and Harper were seriously making out, but this time Clarke’s tricks didn’t work. When they broke apart, they were both still in the game while Lexa was left with the realization that she might be the only one the room who hadn’t had her hands on Clarke’s breasts and vice versa.

It kind of pissed her off. Between now and the next party, Lexa was definitely going to grow some thicker skin and rise to the occasion the next time everyone played this game. And when the bottle landed on Clarke, Lexa would make Clarke bring her worst.

And she’d take it.

The mere thought had things flexing a bit between her legs as Clarke spun the bottle for the second time that night. When it landed on Raven, who was standing behind where Fox had been sitting before she'd been disqualified, Lexa watched the two friends eye each other. 

“I’m not playing,” Raven reminded her. “Spin again.”

“Best kisser, my ass!” Clarke challenged.

Raven arched a brow. “Are you going to shut your sore-loser mouth, or do I need to sit on it?”

Whoa. Lexa had not been expecting that from Raven, but based on Raven’s kiss, Lexa had a pretty solid idea what Raven was offering.

“Just one more thing I’m better at than you,” Clarke teased, bringing Lexa to full attention.

Had Clarke been with a girl before? For some reason she’d been under the impression that Clarke had only been with guys, but the way she was challenging Raven now had Lexa second guessing. What had Clarke said while Lexa was high that had made her think Clarke had never been with girls? Why couldn't she remember?

“Only in your dreams, Griffster. Now shut up and spin again.”

“What if I like where the bottle already landed?”

“That’s totally understandable, but it’s unfair for me to win all the games so I’m not playing this time.”

But Clarke didn’t back down. She moved in.

Watching Clarke and Raven move together for their kiss was like watching a game of chicken where neither party flinched. Part of Lexa hated seeing Clarke so close to the other girl, but another part was fascinated at the battle of wills as Raven willed Clarke to kiss her and Clarke took her time getting to it while trying to get the other girl to lean in first.

In the back of her mind, Lexa knew she should be jealous, but a much larger part of her was mesmerized and uncomfortably aroused.

When Bellamy adjusted the bulge in his pants after thirty or so seconds of Clarke and Raven almost kissing, Lexa couldn’t bring herself to be offended. Sure, dicks weren’t her thing but she totally understood what Bellamy’s boner must be feeling. Together, Clarke and Raven were intense. She was glad the room was low lit, because she was pretty sure Bellamy wasn’t the only one with something to hide. She didn’t dare check, but she was pretty sure her pants were actually wet after the the kissing competition and all this. That was a first.

In the end, Clarke pulled away from Raven. “You’re right,” she said. “You’re not playing. I should spin again.”

“Ha!” Raven called out. “I knew you’d give in first!”

“Only because I’m the one who spun the bottle,” Clarke argued, spinning again. 

When the bottle landed on Nate, neither said a single word. Clarke and Nate simply launched at each other, Clarke’s ankles somehow ending up wrapped around Nate’s neck as they kissed with her on her back and Nate planked over her.

Well, that was…new.

If Clarke and Nate hadn’t been laughing so hard the entire time, Lexa was pretty sure she couldn’t have watched as they mock-humped like Clarke was a guy. But when Lexa forced herself to be objective, it was kind of…hot. If Nate ever did that to her in a game like this, there even was a chance Lexa wouldn’t punch him in the throat. It looked kind of fun, but only as a total joke.

For a moment, Lexa was almost tempted to join the game. But luckily for her, she couldn’t. No late entries.

Instead, she closed her eyes, blocking out the mock porn that was Nate and Clarke by taking a drink from her Solo cup and reliving her own kisses from that night when she’d sat in the chair—Maya’s shy peck. Costia’s full-body experience topped off with a mouthful of tongue. Octavia’s lap dance, distracting from the fact that she kept the kissing to a minimum. Raven’s utter control and chill as she introduced Lexa to how to kiss someone so they felt what you were willing to do between their legs.

And Clarke.

Dear God, then there was Clarke. After the kiss in their dorm, Lexa had agreed to the chair kisses just to have a second go at her roommate. And she didn’t regret her decision. Not one bit.

Tipsy Clarke was a more adventurous Clarke, and holy shit…when Lexa closed her eyes, she could still feel the press of Clarke’s breasts against her own from when the blonde had rocked her hips and arched her body in mid-makeout. Lexa had hated that her hands were pinned behind her when Clarke’s mouth claimed hers, because it meant that Lexa couldn’t control the length of the kiss. She couldn’t control anything. All she could do was kiss Clarke like her life depended on it and hope it bought her more time.

Lexa still had no idea how the kiss with Clarke had lasted, but it wasn’t long enough. All she knew was remembering the short time with Clarke without the pressure of everyone eyes on her was allowing her body to respond differently—more—making her feel like she should take a trip to the bathroom to check out her situation.

But if she left, Clarke might kiss someone else and Lexa wouldn’t be there to see how much Clarke liked it.

The kiss with Fox? Diabolical manipulation.

The kiss with Monty? Playful taunting.

The kiss with Harper? Enough to prove to Lexa that Harper was bi.

The almost-kiss with Raven? Friendly competition.

The kiss with Nate? Weirdly hot, considering Nate was a Kinsey 6 like her.

But what if the bottle landed on Bellamy? How would Clarke kiss the guy who was crushing on her? 

If that happened, Lexa needed to see it to see what she was working with.

Jasper looked like he might wet himself when Nate spun the bottle and it landed on him, but when Jasper spun and it landed on Monty they both quit the game to go make out.

“Monty, it’s your turn!” Octavia called after him, but got no response. She rolled her eyes and took over her, the bottle landing on her brother.

“Fuck, no!” the said together, disqualifying themselves from the game.

Laughing, Costia grabbed the bottle and spun. It landed on Clarke.

“Hell, yeah,” Clarke smiled. “I was wondering if I was going to get another taste of LUG before graduation.”

“Tonight’s your lucky night, Griff.”

Lexa didn’t mean to lean forward as the two girls closed the distance, but she couldn’t help it. If Clarke was going to be into any girl here, it was Costia. She’d all but confessed her attraction to the other girl multiple times, so Lexa had to see how Clarke reacted to her kiss.

She didn’t have to look hard. The two girls went for it, smashing into each other before fighting to push the other onto her back without breaking lip contact.

Lexa’s mouth fell open as the girls battled.

The game of chicken between Clarke and Costia played out quite a bit differently than the one between Clarke and Raven. With Raven, the goal had been to get the other to lean in first. With Costia, the goal seemed to be who could make the other one blush first. And apparently, Costia didn’t have a shy bone in her body.

“Yes, Clarke!” she cried out after pinning Clarke’s hips to the ground and wrestling her legs apart. Then Costia was between them, pressing her hips into Clarke’s and humping her like a dude, keeping their lips locked.

“My eyes!” Raven screamed, covering them while all the gay guys fled the scene. “Disqualified!” Raven called after them.

“Oh yeah, Clarke, you feel so good!” Costia moaned against Clarke’s mouth, picking up her pace with her thrusting hips.

“Cos, what the fuck?” Clarke said against her mouth, her face clearly red as she pushed at Costia’s shoulders.

“I’m out,” Monroe said and Harper looked undecided until Costia looked her way and winked.

“Me, too,” she squeaked and backed away.

Costia eyed the last remaining player. Lincoln, keeping her lips on Clarke’s uncooperative mouth as she started alternating between grinding in big circles and pumping while obviously indicating to Lincoln that this was what he had to look forward to on the next spin.

“Fuck it,” Lincoln said with a shake of his head. “Not worth it. I’m out.”

Octavia came back to see what she was missing and rolled her eyes. “Way to kill the game, Cos.”

Bellamy adjusted his pants to try to hide his boner again before swearing and heading to the bathroom.

Lexa wasn’t going to think about what he was going to do there.

“Come on, Clarke!” Finn cheered from the sidelines. “You know how to flip her over!”

Costia kept pumping her hips, laughing. “Yeah, fuckboy? Maybe with me she doesn’t want to.”

But a few beats later, Clarke proved that she could indeed get away, somehow bringing one leg up and over Costia’s head before rolling out from under her.

Mental note: Clarke was super flexible.

Lexa swallowed.

“Damnit, Costia,” Clarke said as she curled into a fetal position, legs clamped together. “Uncle!”

“I win!” Costia declared.

Raven uncovered her eyes and sighed at the now empty playing field, save for Clarke and Costia. “The reigning, and _still_ undisputed champion of Pansexual Spin the Bottle,” she called out. “Costia Myers!”

Octavia shook her head. “We have to stop inviting my brother to parties like this so someone can finally beat you.”

Costia only smiled. “Perks of being an only child.”

Lexa’s eyes moved to Clarke, who was still laying on her side.

“Always second place, aren’t you, Clarke,” Costia said, offering her friend a hand up. 

Clarke took it, her expression playful, not traumatized, as she stood to face her friend. “You can’t win every time. We’ll invite Derrick one of these times and then you’ll just have to sit there and seethe while I win and he makes you go pray for our souls.” 

Costia threw her head back and laughed. “Until then, stay used to second place, Griff.” Then Costia leaned in and said so softly that Lexa almost missed it. “But if you’re ever interested in coming first, you know where to find me. You can call me ‘uncle’ all night, if you want to.”

Lexa’s jaw went slack in shock at the whispered offer.

Surely she’d misheard.

No. No, she hadn’t. And that moment, Lexa didn’t know whether to be upset that someone was talking to her girl like that, or impressed that Costia dared to say things like that.

Because Lexa wasn’t there yet. Maybe, someday. Just not today. 

In the meantime, everything seemed to be forgiven and forgotten between Costia and Clarke…even though Clarke was still holding a protective hand over her groin as she congratulated her friend on her victory.

Man, maybe she'd had a little bit more to drink than she'd thought, but Lexa couldn’t help but wish it was her own hand resting between Clarke’s legs at that particular moment instead. Lexa wouldn’t be nearly so rough as Costia had been…not that Lexa knew the first thing about what to do with her hand if she actually did ever get it down there. She hadn’t even practiced on herself. 

So, first things first. Yes, she wanted her hand where Clarke’s was right now, but first she needed to know what to do when she got there.

She needed practice.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All parties must come to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to those of you who have given me a shout out on social media. I don't really post about writing there, so this chapter goes out to the people doing it for me.
> 
> Thanks!

Around 2:00 a.m., Clarke decided it was past time to stumble home. She could have checked out an hour earlier, but her roommate was the guest of honor. Once Lexa left, the party would be done for everyone. 

That's why at around 1:00, Clarke made a trip to the bathroom and let herself puke out the alcohol that wasn’t sitting right, then rested on the couch for an hour as she waited for everyone let go of Lexa. And when Finn found her and wiggled himself beneath her, she let herself enjoy the warm pillow of his chest and the light caress in her hair and along her back as she dozed. She could hear his un-asked question in the form of the hot erection pressing into her hip, and she answered it just as silently by doing nothing to encourage it.

She was drunk, it was late, and she had a roommate to get home. She wasn’t going to ditch Lexa, so it was just going to have to be Finn and his hand tonight.

But damn, she was horny. What a night!

She was trying not to think about it…any of it, but that didn’t mean that her eyes didn’t blink open every time she heard Lexa’s voice, giving Clarke mental snapshots of her roommate bonding with her friends. But when Clarke heard Costia offer Lexa a back rub, Clarke pushed off Finn on instinct.

It was time to go.

Technically, Clarke didn’t need to stagger. The puke-fest an hour earlier had cleared her out quite a bit, but playing drunk would help her cause. 

As she walked up to Lexa, she pretended she needed to lean on her for support as she said, “I think I need to check out or stay here for the night.”

Suddenly Finn was behind her. “I can take her.”

Clarke opened her mouth to decline, but Lexa spoke first. “I’m good to go, too. I’ll take her home.”

A wave of relief washed through Clarke.

“No,” Octavia pouted, clearly wasted. “Staaaaaaay.”

“No,” Lexa said and Clarke rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder in gratitude. “I’m like four hours past my usual bedtime now. I’m going to have to work up to an all-nighter with you guys.”

“Killjoy,” Octavia pouted, but Lexa ignore her.

“Mind if I swing by the bathroom before we go?” she asked.

Clarke nodded. “I’ll be on the front porch.”

“And I’ll make sure you get there,” Raven said, stepping forward.

Clarke smiled in gratitude and transferred her weight to Raven instead. “You’re a babe, babe.”

“Uh-huh,” Raven said, offering her arm. “Baby steps to the front door, drunky.”

Clarke took her friend at her word, taking minuscule steps toward the door until Lexa disappeared into the bathroom, then she picked up her pace a bit. In no time they were at the front door and Raven cleared her throat. 

“So…are we going to talk about it?”

Clarke sent her a look of pure innocence. “Talk about what?”

Raven studied her for a moment then shrugged. “Guess not.”

Clarke pushed away from her friend and stood on her own. “Thanks for hosting tonight, Rae. I think Lexa really had a good time.”

“Yeah,” Raven said with a smile. “I think her brain exploded a few times, though.”

“But not in a bad way,” Clarke said, her mind recalling Lexa handcuffed to the chair and kissing the hell out of every girl in the room.

She’d totally been into it…which was good. Lexa was a beautiful, talented girl who was in the habit of holding herself back in a lot of ways. 

But she hadn’t held back tonight. 

Good for her. 

That’s what Clarke had repeated to herself all night when she’d felt a little overprotective. Lexa deserved the light touches, lingering looks, and overenthusiastic laughter she’d been receiving. Maybe for the first time in her life, Lexa was in a room full of people who knew she was gay and half the girls in it were flirting with her. It didn’t matter how that made Clarke feel. It mattered how it made Lexa feel.

And Lexa appeared to be enjoying herself…and Costia in particular. Clarke would freak out about that another day. For the moment, she needed to focus on the positive: the party had been a success.

“Well, the party was certainly a success for me,” Raven said. “At last, the title of Best Kisser is finally mine.”

“Until people realize that Lexa wasn’t part of the competition and demand another bout.”

Raven waved that off. “That’s for another day. And I’ll win that day, too. But for now you may refer to me as the Kissing Queen.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Yeah. Not happening, babe. We all know that’s me.”

“Not according to your roommate,” Raven taunted just as Lexa opened the door behind her. Clarke immediately assumed her more drunk posture. Lexa was leaving because Clarke needed a chaperone home, so Clarke needed to act the part.

“Good to go,” Lexa said with a tired smile.

Raven looked hesitant. “Are you sure you don’t want me to have one of the guys walk you—”

“Please,” Clarke laughed. “Lexa could beat up anyone here. I’m pretty sure she can protect us better than one of the guys can.”

Lexa neither confirmed nor denied. She simply said. “We’ll be fine.”

Apparently, Raven believed her because she headed back into the house. “Okay, then. Take care of each other.”

“On it,” Clarke said with a thumbs up as Lexa stepped up next to her.

“Can you walk straight?”

Clarke looked up into the eyes she tried to draw dozens of times and still hadn’t gotten quite right. Could she walk straight? Yes. 

Would she?

She let a sloppy smile curve her lips. “I can if you steer.”

Lexa nodded. “Fair enough.”

Clarke leaned into her roommate, wrapping her arm around her waist and leaning in like she would have needed to an hour ago. When her hand slipped off Lexa’s narrow hips, she brought it back up and hooked her thumb into Lexa’s belt loop to hold her hand in place. When Lexa wrapped a supportive around her shoulder, Clarke leaned in and they both started down the steps.

“Did you have fun?” Clarke asked.

Lexa let out a little laugh. “Is that the word for what happened tonight?”

“My brain’s a little too tired to think up more advanced adjectives at this point.”

“It’s okay,” Lexa said. “And yes. I had fun. Thank you, Clarke.”

“Thank Raven. Wouldn’t have happened without her.”

“Or you,” Lexa added.

“Okay. Me, too. But Raven was my enabler, and I think she really took a liking to you. With Raven you’re either in or you’re out, and I think you’re in.”

“I hope so,” Lexa said softly. “She seems like a great friend.”

“They don’t come better.”

There was a beat of silence. “That’s saying something, coming from you.”

Clarke wasn’t sure what that meant as they left Raven’s house behind and headed down the sidewalk back and to the dorms. The midnight air was cool—much cooler than when they’d left earlier that evening—and the world around them was in that ugly phase of spring where the snow was mostly melted, but what remained was brown and gross. Winter was over, but the earth was still working at coming back to life. A few trees had blooms, but most of them still stood stark and bare.

“I wish it wasn’t overcast,” Clarke mused. “The stars are so much brighter when it’s cold.”

“Are they?” Lexa asked. “I’d never noticed.”

Clarke nodded her head against Lexa’s side. “They totally are. Look up at the sky in summer then again in winter. Winter skies are brighter. I don’t know why.”

“Me, neither.”

In the silence that followed, Clarke realized that she’d run out of things to say. Why talk when she could just lean and walk? It felt good.

So she just walked.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa was aware of very little outside of Clarke’s light grip on her hip and the way she was leaning into the crook of Lexa’s shoulder like she belonged there. Lexa could literally hear her heart beating in her ears as she licked her lips and tried to think of something to say— _anything_ to say.

“So did I create a monster by declaring Raven best kisser?”

Under her arm, Clarke groaned. “You have no idea. She’s probably making herself a crown as we speak.”

Lexa’s chuckle was genuine. “For the record, I totally thought you were going to win Pansexual Spin the Bottle. What Costia did kind of seemed like cheating.”

“I know,” Clarke sighed. “But it was all above board. She won fair and square. Just like Raven. Just like Bellamy and Octavia won Beer Pong. Costia’s right. I’m always second place. Second choice.”

She sounded resigned—sad, even— and suddenly Lexa felt a bit guilty for choosing Raven. “No, you’re not, Clarke.”

Clarke shook her head. “No. Even you think so. You think Raven kisses best. You think Costia is the prettiest. You think—”

“Oh, come on, Clarke,” Lexa said, not letting her continue. “Have you met your friends? They’re feral. I couldn’t say you were the best kisser. We would have never heard the end of the fact that we live together and I’m a gay girl who thinks my roommate is the best kisser. I had to name someone else winner.”

Clarke pulled away and blinked up at her, making Lexa’s heart skip a few beats. “You knew which kiss was me?”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Of course I did.”

“And you didn’t choose me because you knew it was me?”

“Yes.”

“But you think I was the best?”

“Clarke, you _know_ you’re the best out of everyone in that room.”

Clarke hesitated, then let a grin sneak through. “I am, aren’t I?”

“No competition,” Lexa said, bumping their sides together. “At least not until I up my game. Be forewarned that I fully intend to unseat you.”

“You mean Raven,” Clarke corrected.

“Yes. Of course.” Lexa brought her free hand up and made air quotes. “I will unseat ‘Raven’ as best kisser.”

“But we’re really talking about me.”

“Yes, Clarke. You are currently the best kisser. But not for long.” Lexa playfully pointed to her own lips and pouted them out. “I have DNA on my side.”

“DNA versus experience,” Clarke said as she half-tripped on a crack in the cement and caught herself. “I guess we’ll see who wins.”

Lexa needed no other excuse to pull Clarke back in against her. “How about I go back to steering?”

Clarke sent her a lazy smile before pressing in side-to-side again, her thumb back in Lexa’s belt loop and the light grip of her fingers teasing Lexa’s imagination.

There weren’t words for how badly she wanted to stop and kiss Clarke right then. A charge seemed to be running through her skin, searching for a place where skin could touch skin rather than cloth. The source of the charge was predictably stemming from below her belt, and Lexa was fascinated at how the resulting light-headed sensation somehow made really dumb ideas—like kissing her drunk roommate in the middle of the sidewalk in near sub-zero temperatures—feel like the best idea ever.

It wasn’t a good idea, Lexa reminded herself. 

Not a good idea, at all.

So Lexa ignored the hum between her legs and kept talking.

“Part of me wants to play Spin the Bottle next time, but…Costia.”

“I know, right?” Clarke said, needing no other explanation. “She was on one tonight.”

“She’s not normally that bad?”

Clarke shook her head. “Not normally. I think all that was for you.”

“Huh,” Lexa said, processing that. “Well, if she was trying to seduce me, it was a fail. That looked pretty…aggressive.”

“I know,” Clarke moaned, her free hand dropping between her legs protectively. “My poor muff. I think she needs a spa day after that. I’m going to have to check for bruises.”

Lexa couldn’t help it. She laughed. Then she laughed some more. 

“What?” Clarke pouted.

“Your _muff_?”

“Yeah. My muff. She’s not happy. What about yours?”

Lexa froze. “What?”

Clarke wiggled her eyebrows. “Your muff. She had a lot to process tonight. Her head is probably exploding right now.”

Lexa felt her face go full red. 

How. Did. Clarke. Do. That? 

How could she ask insanely awkward questions like that and make it seem like the most natural thing in the world to respond with something like, _Yeah, Clarke. My muff’s ready to blow. At this point, a low-hanging branch or an untrimmed hedge could send me right over the edge._

People didn’t say things like that. People _shouldn’t_ say things like that. So why were the words on the tip of Lexa’s tongue?

“Yeah,” she said instead. “Definitely a lot of new experiences tonight.”

“New and good?”

Lexa took a breath, taking a moment to appreciate the feel of Clarke tucked under her arm and the light grip of Clarke’s hand on her hip. “New and good.”

“I’m glad,” Clarke said, giving her a little squeeze. “You deserve good things, Lexa Woods.”

The offhand compliment snuck below Lexa’s defenses and for a moment she actually believed it. “Thanks, Clarke. You too.”

Clarke stopped abruptly and for a moment Lexa thought she’d said something wrong until Clarke motioned for her to be quiet. “Hear that?”

Lexa grew still, the distant sound of music reaching her ears.

“Dancing,” Clarke sighed. “We didn’t do any dancing tonight.”

Lexa felt heat rise to her cheeks as the buzz in her body kicked up a notch at the thought of both arms locked around Clarke. “The night was pretty full with other stuff.”

“But…dancing,” Clarke sighed. “There’s one thing I’m definitely not second place in. Costia and Raven can suck it because this girl knows how to move.”

Lexa didn’t need to know that. She didn’t need to imagine it either.

“Oh my gosh! We didn’t do lap dances either.”

Thank God. “Maybe next time.” 

Clarke looked up at her and winked. “I’m good at those too.”

The air suddenly felt quite thin. “I’ll bet you are.”

Clarke moved to face Lexa. “We should dance.”

Lexa found herself staring into eager blue eyes just a second longer than she meant to before pointing down the street. “We should get your drunk ass home.”

Clarke grinned. “My drunk ass isn’t going home until you declare me best dancer.”

“You’re the best dancer, Clarke.”

The blonde frowned. “You haven’t even seen me.”

“I have faith in you.”

“Nuh-uh,” Clarke said, stepping closer and linking her hands behind Lexa’s neck. “Fair and square. I’m going to win fair and square.”

Lexa arched a brow, doing her best to look unaffected. “Wouldn’t we have to go back to the party for that to happen? You can’t beat the competition when the competition isn’t present.”

Clarke stared up at her with a lopsided grin as her body started to move. “Tell me that in thirty seconds.”

Then she was moving. Holy shit, was she moving and Lexa found herself unable to watch without drooling. So she looked at the sky. “Come on, Clarke. Next time. We need to get home.”

“We need to dance,” Clarke teased, moving in so their bodies grazed.

In a flash, Lexa’s world was on fire. She felt everything all at once—the brush of Clarke’s breasts against her own, the press of her thigh between hers, and the pounding of her heart in her ears that told Lexa she was about to lose all control on her poker face.

She jerked her hips back, putting distance between them. “Not tonight, Clarke.”

Rather than put out, Clarke looked amused. “Sorry. I forget you’re not desensitized like the rest of us yet. No more dirty dancing.” 

Lexa had no idea what to say to that. ‘Thank you’ wasn’t exactly right, because she wanted more…but she also couldn’t take anymore. She was overheating on a cold night and felt a weird lightheadedness that had nothing to do with alcohol. That, and her "muff" felt like a tinder box. One match and it would all be over. 

“Don’t worry,” Clarke said. “Hang out with us and you’ll become desensitized soon enough. Octavia announces that she’s hungry, tired, or horny in the same tone of voice. _I want a hamburger. I’m tired. I need to be plowed to high heaven._ You’ll get used to it.”

Yeah…Lexa was pretty sure she’d never get used to hearing that from Clarke. It felt too much like a call to action.

Lexa was trying to not to think of about a hundred different things when Clarke bent forward in front of her, talking to her crotch like it was a small child. “Don’t worry, Little Lexa. You’ll get a voice soon enough. We’ll take care of you.”

Lexa couldn’t look. Clarke’s face at crotch level while talking to her clit wasn’t something she knew how to respond to, so she looked up at the overcast sky instead…which meant she wasn’t looking when Clarke reached out and gave the front of her pants two light, reassuring pats. The first pat felt like it sent lightning strikes throughout her body, shocking her, and the second took her knees out from under her. This time it was Clarke who caught her when she fell.

“Oh, shit,” Clarke was saying when Lexa’s ears started hearing again. “Are you okay?”

“I…”

Clarke helped Lexa straighten back up. “What happened?”

Lexa’s vision was still clearing and very specific muscles were sighing as Lexa opened her mouth and tried to find an answer.

“How much did you drink?”

“I’m fine,” Lexa said, her voice a bit raspier than she wanted it to be. 

Clarke looked very confused…until she didn’t. “Wait. Did you just…?”

Lexa flushed red and Clarke’s mouth fell open. Then she started laughing.

“Are you kidding? Are you fucking kidding? I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Lexa bit out.

“No, seriously,” Clarke snorted as her face turned red. “I’m so…How…?”

Then she was laughing again. Hard. 

Lexa started walking. 

“No!” Clarke called after her. “Don’t go.”

Lexa stopped.

“I am seriously so sorry,” Clarke said, although the words sounded a bit less sincere said through laughter. “I didn’t mean to…I didn’t touch you there. I _specifically_ did not touch you _there_.”

“I know.” Lexa started walking again. “Can we not talk about it?”

Clarke caught up to her. “Are you kidding? We have to, or this is going to be forever awkward.”

Lexa picked up her pace, her face feeling like it should be sending steam into the night. “I think that ship has sailed.”

“Oh, c’mon,” Clarke said, grabbing her arm. “Costia rode me like a fucking stallion tonight and everything is going to be normal with us tomorrow.”

“Yeah? Well, you didn’t…”

“True. Although it kind of felt like she wanted me to,” Clarke said, biting her lip in thought. “It was weird…but whatever. I’m totally sorry, okay? I was just joking around. I didn’t know you had such a hair trigger down there.”

Lexa arched a brow and Clarke seemed to reconsider.

“Okay, maybe I had a clue based on the other night,” she amended. “But I didn’t—”

“I know you didn’t, Clarke,” Lexa sighed. “Can we just let it go?”

Clarke blinked a few times, then nodded. “Of course.”

“Good,” Lexa said and started walking. Clarke joined her, only this time there was no leaning and no supportive arms wrapping around. They were side-by-side. No touching.

“I have to say I’m jealous,” Clarke said when they were half way home.

“Why?”

“It takes me forever to get off,” she confessed. “I wish I could just pat my muff and move on. Life would be so much easier.”

A shiver literally ran through Lexa, making her feel unsteady. “These are conversations I’m not ready to have yet, Clarke.”

“Safe word?”

Lexa nodded. “Safe word.”

“Okay,” Clarke said, and they walked the rest of the way home in silence. Not awkward silence, just thoughtful.

When they got home, Clarke didn’t waste any time passing out. She simply walked to her bed, tipped over with a muttered “Good night,” and was asleep in under a minute.

 _Maybe she’ll forget by morning,_ Lexa thought as she sat down on her bed to remove her shoes.

She would have given anything for the guts to lay down next to Clarke and sleep with some part of them tangled together. The lack of contact actually caused a light ache in her chest, but she did her best to ignore it as she lay down on her bed and faced away from her roommate.

It had been a big night. She needed to sleep it off. 

Things would be better in the morning.

 _Or maybe not_ , Lexa thought when Clarke giggled in her sleep about five minutes later.

Maybe things would just be crazy awkward.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From awkwardness to intrigue...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the love, and to everyone who has shared this. Totally appreciate it, and hope you keep liking it :D

Lexa was avoiding her.

Technically, her roommate was just going back to her usual routine, but Lexa had been avoiding Clarke back then, too. The first half of the year Lexa had been keeping her distance because she was afraid, but this time Lexa was embarrassed. Clarke needed to fix that, but it was hard to fix something with a person who was hiding from you.

The good news was that Lexa was making friends…or maybe she always had them and Clarke hadn’t been paying attention. All Clarke she knew was that Lexa wasn’t alone as she walked in to the commons area two days after the party. 

Clarke wasn’t sure where or when her roommate usually ate lunch, but she’d never seen her in the commons before. Today was the first time, and she’d just walked in with three tall, sporty girls who were all wearing matching hoodies and carrying lunches. Clarke had never see Lexa wear the hoodie before, so she was assuming the team got them that day…although it was pretty late in the year to be getting team gear, so she was probably wrong about that.

Across the table, Octavia gushed about her and Lincoln’s first make out session. Clarke listened with one ear as it occurred to her that this was her first time seeing Lexa in the wild, so to speak. Until now, she’d only ever seen Lexa in the dorms or over at Raven’s place. She’d never seen her with friends or teammates, but the girls with Lexa now appeared to be both.

Octavia’s voice became white noise in Clarke’s ears as she watched her roommate interact with her teammates. Lexa looked relaxed. She looked happy. And, no, she didn’t look any shade of shy.

Costia had nailed it. Lexa wasn’t shy. She was guarded…well, maybe less so now.

Clarke grinned, hoping she was part of the reason Lexa looked more relaxed, even as a gnawing fear in her gut whispered that if Lexa saw her watching her right then, she would pretend not to see her and just keep on walking.

It was time to nip the whole too-embarrassed-to-make-eye-contact thing in the bud. Yeah, Clarke got why Lexa felt the way she did, but an untimely orgasm was nothing to become estranged about. She needed to fix this…and she would if Lexa would just look at her.

“I like a girl in uniform” Costia purred, snapping Clarke out of her thoughts. When she looked over at her friends, she saw that she wasn’t the only one looking Lexa’s way.

“We should have her sit with us,” Raven said.

“She’s with friends,” Clarke said, not disagreeing with her friends but not sure the timing was right either.

Raven’s response was to stand up out of her chair, cup her hands around her mouth and bellow, “Hey, Lexa! Over here!”

“Subtle, Rae,” Clarke muttered.

“She looks hesitant,” Octavia said with a frown. “Flash her your tits, Cos. That’ll get her over here.”

Costia pretended to be game until all four of the girls in Lexa’s group started walking toward their table.

Great. Clarke really couldn’t do any damage control with half the volleyball team listening in.

Raven sat back down and smiled as Lexa and her teammates made the journey to their corner table. When Lexa was in earshot, Raven gave the girl an obvious once-over. “What’s up, beautiful? Long time no see.”

A tall blonde to Lexa’s right raised a curious eyebrow.

“Hey, girls,” Raven said, talking to the three girls with Lexa. “Mind if we steal this babe for a minute? We’ll give her right back. Promise.”

Lexa distinctly did not look at Clarke as she responded. “Actually, we’re in a hurry—”

“We’ll only be a few minutes,” Raven pushed.

Lexa didn’t budge. “We’ll only be here a few—”

“Ah, c’mon, Lexa,” Raven pouted. “You made out with every girl at this table 48 hours ago. We’re going to take it personally if you start snubbing us now.”

The mouths of all three teammates grew slack in shock as if it had been choreographed, and the tall blonde went so far as to look at each of them in turn before giving Lexa a look that basically said, _I’m impressed._

“Five minutes,” Raven said, pulling up a chair from another table and patting it. “Humor me.”

The tall blonde acted on Lexa’s behalf. “We’ll be over here,” she said. “Meet us in the parking lot in ten?”

Lexa nodded, not looking entirely thrilled. “See you in a minute.”

Then she sat as Raven sent her a little side-eye. “Are you too cool for us now? Is that what’s happening here?”

“No,” Lexa said quickly, her eyes looking anywhere but at Clarke.

“Good. Because we like you.”

Lexa’s eyes darted over to Clarke before she licked her lips and took a calming breath. “I like you guys, too.”

“Good,” Raven said with finality. “Then it’s decided. We’re bringing you into the inner circle. Let me see your phone.”

Lexa hesitated. “My phone? Why?”

“Because I need to add some apps.”

Lexa tensed. “I don’t really have that kind of phone.”

Raven rolled her eyes. “Let me see it.”

When Lexa dug into her pocket and pulled out a flip phone, Raven stared at it like a dirty rag. 

Octavia leaned forward for a closer look. “What is that?”

“An antique,” Raven said, picking it up with two fingers and examining it like a mildly interesting rock. “Where did you get this? A gas station?”

“It calls. It texts,” Lexa said, avoiding the question. “What else do you need a phone to do?”

Raven’s mouth fell open, rendered speechless for probably the first time in her life.

“I still have my iPhone 6 from when I upgraded,” Octavia said. “You can have that one.”

Raven nodded. “We’ll get it set up.”

“I’m fine,” Lexa said, grabbing her phone back. “I don’t need a smart phone.”

“Oh, the innocence,” Octavia said, placing a dramatic hand over her heart. “She doesn’t know. She just doesn’t know.”

“We’ll teach her the ways of our people,” Costia said fervently. 

Lexa shook her head, opening a small bag of baby carrots out of her lunch as she glanced at the clock as if accusing it of not moving fast enough. “You guys, I’m fine. Really. Plus, I’m not budgeted for a smart phone.”

“You let us worry about the bill,” Raven said. “At least until you’re hooked. Then we’ll see where your data usage goes and see if you need an intervention.”

“No,” Lexa said fervently. “I can’t let you do that—”

“Already done,” Octavia said dismissively.

“And I’m already planning out the SnapChats I’m going to send you,” Costia said with a little wink. It was almost enough to get Clarke to chime in, but her friends were doing great at handling Lexa so far. The longer she stayed out of everything, the better.

“We do about 80% of our communication on apps,” Raven said. “I’ll add you to our inner group first and baby step you into the groups that include other people.”

“That’s not—”

“We’ll need a username for you,” Raven mused. “Kinsey 6 was a fun name for a weekend, but it’s pretty shallow to define you by your sexuality forever. So what name should I set you up with?” 

When Lexa started to fight against the idea of being added to the group yet again, Clarke decided it was time to speak. “I call her Hair Trigger.” 

Lexa grew statue still.

Raven frowned, confused. “Why would you—”

A baby carrot hit Clarke in the face. When she looked over at the source of the projectile, Lexa’s mortified face was glaring at her.

“See what I’m talking about?” Clarke sighed melodramatically, gesturing to the fallen carrot on the table. “I swear, you never know what’s going to set this girl off.”

Across from her, Lexa pressed her lips together and shook her head. But there was a smile there. Clarke could see it.

Raven tilted her head, intrigued. “Our Kinsey 6 has a temper?”

“Not a temper, per se,” Clarke mused, then ate a Cheeto and left it at that.

“Don’t worry,” Lexa said, still glaring at Clarke. “It’s not something most people have to deal with. Just overreaching roommates.”

“That’s true,” Clarke agreed. “I have to be really careful where I reach these days.”

Another carrot sailed her way. This time Clarke ducked and laughed, relieved to find Lexa smiling back.

A smile was good. Clarke could work with a smile.

Octavia looked back and forth between them and Clarke knew she was trying to piece things together. It was best not to give her too much time to do that.

Next to her, Raven arched a brow but pressed on. “How about a name that isn’t an inside joke?”

Lexa shrugged. “Why not just my name?”

“Because if the transcripts are ever used in a court of law, you’re going to want to plead the Fifth,” Octavia said with mock seriousness.

Lexa’s eyebrow arched up.

“What about something related to your tattoos?” Costia asked, zooming in on a picture on her phone. “I couldn’t help but notice that you have cheetah spot tattoos on your shoulder and deltoid on one side."

"She does?" Octavia asked, leaning forward for a look. Clarke joined her.

"Yeah," Costia said. "Right here. Is there a story behind it?”

Without a word, the mood at the table seemed to drop about ten degrees and Clarke knew she wasn’t the only one who sensed it.

“Yes,” Lexa said, her gaze a bit more intense than Clarke had ever seen it. “But I’m not interested in telling it.”

“Fair enough,” Octavia jumped in when it looked like Costia might push. “Are those your only tattoos?”

“No.” No explanation. No offering of numbers or designs. Just no.

“Interesting,” Raven cooed. “When did you get your first tattoo?”

Again, Lexa’s face gave away nothing. “When I was fifteen.”

Raven’s eyebrow ticked up at the answer while Octavia’s jaw fell slightly open. Costia leaned back and chewed her lip and then, as if on cue, all three girls sent Clarke a look—as if she should have known all this and given them the down low on the side by now.

“Fifteen,” Octavia mused. “And here I thought I was a rebel getting one at nineteen.”

“Do you like it?” Lexa asked, appearing to surprise everyone.

Octavia smiled, angling her right shoulder blade Lexa’s direction and pulling her shirt back to show it. “Yeah. It’s a compass to remind me to keep my head on straight. I can be hotheaded and impulsive.”

Lexa nodded. “That’s a good reason to get a tattoo.”

Something in Lexa’s tone tipped Clarke off to the idea that Lexa’s tattoos hadn’t been acquired in the same optimistic head space. Her roommate was acting casual—even trying to keep things light—but the temperature still wasn’t back to normal. The chill remained.

“So not a name related to any tattoos,” Octavia said, trying to bring the mood back up.

“Too obvious anyway,” Raven agreed.

“I know a name,” Clarke said, a smile curving her lips. Lexa’s eyes snapped to her, clearly nervous. “My roommie is a compulsive accountant. She probably made a mental note of how much alcohol she drank at the party over the weekend and has plans to pay us back.”

Raven blinked as if Clarke had just spoken in tongues before looking at Lexa. “Is this true? Is this a gift you possess?”

Lexa bit her lip nervously.

Raven faced Lexa, her face all business. “In your expert in opinion, what the total amount I spent on alcohol at the party.”

Lexa hesitated, sending Clarke a look that said she was going to get her back before choosing to answer. “Retail of the keg would have been about $125 each, but you’re underage, so I’m assuming you paid a premium. The keg plus the other alcohol and the mixers probably put the cost of the part at about $275.”

Raven’s mouth fell open, letting Clarke know that Lexa was more than a little close. 

Clarke grinned. “Ask her how much I spent on pastries for her while she was under the weather.”

She could see the spark of surprise in Lexa’s eyes that she hadn’t told everyone about the whole getting high part before Lexa answered without a prompt from Raven. “$28.”

Clarke had no idea if Lexa was right or not. She hadn’t paid attention to the price when she’d picked the pastries up, just the amount in the bag. Still, she trusted that Lexa was pretty close. “See?”

“Oh, this is _so_ coming in handy!” Raven breathed. “Those mooching boys won’t see it coming. They always freeload and then count on me getting too drunk to remember what they swipe as they leave.”

“Only because it works,” Costia said.

“Not anymore!” Raven said with finality. “What’s a fun way to say accountant? Bookkeeper? Scorekeeper? Enforcer?”

“Definitely not that one,” Lexa said, her face once again losing its smile.

“Bookie?” Octavia offered.

Lexa shook her head.

“Maybe like the scales of justice of something,” Octavia offered.

Raven smirked. “Which are ironically personified by Themis and Dike in the Hellenic tradition.”

“So maybe not either of those,” Octavia said with an eye roll. 

“Newton,” Raven said with a hint of finality. “Balancing scales weigh things in either newtons or kilograms, and our girl is definitely the more refined of the two.” She turned and looked at Lexa. “So I’ll name you Newton until you choose a different name and change it.”

Lexa shrugged. “Fine. But I’m serious about not wanting a smart phone. I’m not going to let you guys pay for a phone for me.”

Raven waved that off. “Just keep tallying what you owe us until we find a way for you to pay us back.”

Clarke hid a smile. She knew how Raven worked and there was no way Lexa was going to end up paying a dime.

Lexa glanced at the clock on the wall. “I have to go. We’re visiting a children’s hospital today as a team and carpooling over. I can’t be late.”

 _That explained the team hoodies,_ Clarke thought as Lexa stood and looked at each of them in turn.

“Sorry to run off on you guys,” Lexa said, gathering up her mostly uneaten lunch. “And I really had fun at the party. Thank you again.”

“Our pleasure,” Octavia said with a smile. “Your party is where Lincoln finally succumbed to my dark desires to make out with him, which you can read all about when you join our chat.”

Costia slapped Octavia’s arm. “Don’t scare her with stuff like that. She’s supposed to want to join.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “She’s gay, not a heterophobe. Besides, I tell a great story.”

“But until then, here’s your relic back,” Raven said, handing Lexa her phone back.

“I—I really need to go,” Lexa said, sending Clarke an unreadable look as she took the phone and pushed her chair back to its original table. “I’ll catch you all later.”

“Later,” Costia said while everyone else gave her a wave before Lexa walked back over to her teammates.

When she was out of ear shot, Raven turned to them and spoke softly. “So…I kind of did a bad thing.”

Clarke tensed. “What did you do?”

“It was compulsive,” Raven said defensively.

“Rae,” Octavia warned. “Spill it. What did you do?”

She looked at each of them, as if trying to decide whether or not to confess. “I…kind of…”

“Yes?” Octavia pressed.

“I kind of went through her phone.”

“What?” Clarke asked, confused. “When? We were all sitting here.”

“When Costia brought up the tattoo picture. Everyone looked and it was just me and the phone and I just…looked.”

“And?” Costia said, leaning forward. “Did you see anything interesting? Any secret lovers?”

Raven’s eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t know what I saw.”

Clarke blinked in confusion before she and Octavia shared a look. 

“You…didn’t understand something?” Clarke said. “I know what that means when other people say it, but what does that mean when you say it?”

Raven looked equally confused. “Her phone is empty except for eight numbers that are labeled 1 through 8. That’s all that’s on there. No texts. No call history. It’s wiped except for those eight numbers.”

“Why would someone wipe their own phone?” Costia asked.

“No idea,” Raven said. “But Lexa definitely wipes hers. The only other alternative is that she’s never used the phone to call or text since the day she got it.”

Yeah, that didn’t sound likely. And now that Clarke thought about it, she was certain she’d heard Lexa’s phone chime with texts in their dorm. It usually happened about a minute before Lexa walked out the door without explanation.

That meant that Lexa purposefully wiped her phone of calls and texts.

But why?

They all sat and considered that as Lexa left with her teammates. Clarke didn’t know what her friends were thinking, but Clarke’s mind was replaying the conversation they’d all just had—the tattoos Lexa didn’t want to talk about, the nicknames she had vetoed even as she claimed to not one at all, and the old supermarket phone with no call or text history.

It all made for a bit of a puzzle.

“Sooo,” Raven said, breaking the silence and looking at Clarke after Lexa disappeared out the door. “Your roommate just became the most intriguing person on campus, wouldn’t you say?”

“Hell, yeah,” Octavia said while Clarke stuck to simply nodding.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How much can an iPhone really change things?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're like, "Hey! This chapter is short! We deserve better after such a long break between chapters!" then you'll be happy to know that I'm posting two tonight. So know there's one more coming after this.
> 
> Hope you likey!

Clarke didn’t feel self-conscious doing her own thing in art class anymore. Her teacher seemed to be onboard, which was a bit of a blessing. The class was turning into Clarke’s therapy—the place where thoughts and images she kept tucked away all day were allowed, and the only question was how well she could capture them.

So far she was still really liking the reductive style she’d kind of tripped into. Nothing was looking right quite yet, but she was getting there.

The rest of the class was sketching seasonal fruit while Clarke tried to capture the lines of Lexa’s throat and jawline. She was getting everything right from what she could tell, yet the final product still looked…off.

Clarke was studying her most recent sketch, trying to figure out where she went wrong, when her teacher stopped behind her.

“May I make a suggestion?”

Clarke looked up. “Of course.”

Her teacher pulled up a stool, sitting closely and talking softly so as not to be heard by the rest of the class. “I think you’re going to be happiest with the results if you use the same process for all the body parts that you used on the iris. Get the literal down first, then deconstruct it. Don’t move straight into deconstruction.”

Clarke bit her lip, knowing her teacher was right but hesitating anyway.

Yes, drawing everything out realistically would be beneficial, but then she’d have a sketch book full of pictures of her roommate. That was creepy. Even telling her teacher that felt creepy.

Her teacher sensed her hesitation. “Why does drawing things realistically first bother you?”

Clarke glanced around the class. No one appeared to be listening. Still, when she spoke, she kept her voice low. “Drawing her over and over makes me feel like a stalker.”

To her surprise, her teacher smiled. “Welcome to the world of being an artist, Clarke. To truly join the club, you need to be a obsessive—often uncomfortably so.”

Clarke took a slow breath. “I think I’d be cooler with it if I didn’t know my muse. But I do…and if she sees it—”

“I get it,” her teacher said with a hint of a smile. “Trust me. I get it.”

“Yeah? Then…how did you deal with it?”

Her teacher looked nostalgic for a moment. “Well, eventually I just told the person. But at first I had two sketch books. One that made me look like an obsessed psychopath that I kept in a remote location, and another where I purposefully sketched out the mundane or whatever to practice technique in a way that made going through my stuff very, very boring.”

Clarke considered that. “That’s actually quite genius.”

“I know.”

It was an odd moment of bonding between her and her teacher, and for a moment they just sat in silence while the class around them continued to sketch to the soundtrack of classical music.

“True art is scary because it shows people what’s in our hearts,” her teacher said. “Art is our way of showing the world what we see and how we see it. We cannot mesmerize others if we’re not mesmerized first. And what you need to figure out now is how to show the world what you are seeing and how you see it. To do that, you have to feel, Clarke. You need to think about the things no one else is and obsess over the minutia. Then you capture all that in a way that makes people see what you see for the first time and want to stop and stare right along side you. When you are able to accomplish that, that’s when people stop thinking you’re a freak.”

Clarke sighed. “And how many people actually get that good, as opposed to those who just live forever in freak-ville?”

“The mere fact that you’re asking that question is a hint to me that freak-ville will likely not be your permanent residence, Clarke.” She pointed to her current drawing. “You have something to say here. And I, personally, can’t wait until you figure out how to say it. If you have pieces ready in May, I’d love to show them in the final showcase…if they’re ready.”

A surge of adrenaline shot through Clarke at the thought. “I’ll try,” she said, trying to keep her cool, but probably failing.

“And like I said, I’ll be watching,” her teacher said before standing up and continuing around the class.

 

* * *

 

When Lexa got back from volunteering at the hospital there was an iPhone on her bed.

Well, that was fast.

The sight of it left her frozen in place at the door. 

She couldn’t keep the phone, of course. But she also didn’t know how to give it back. Raven and Octavia had seemed pretty inflexible on the matter.

Case in point, they’d spoken less than five hours ago and she already had the phone they’d promised. They clearly felt strongly about her having it. Plus…there was the whole angle that having a second phone wasn’t the worst thing in the world if Lexa was actually going to start talking to people. 

For the year and a half she’d been in college, Lexa had basically kept her head down and her face in books. But coming out and getting to know Clarke was having a ripple effect. People were talking to her now and she was talking back. 

People were going to start asking for her number, and she didn’t want to mix college contacts with her current contacts. It was just asking for trouble. Plus, her teammates were always posting stuff on Instagram and trying to tag her, and Lexa never knew what to say. Being out of touch with social media really put her at a disadvantage, even when it came to her studies. Professors were always citing social media platforms or asking her to follow certain news sources for current updates and she never could. She just had to wait until she found a computer then visit all the websites at once and click through headlines. It wasn’t ideal and it wasted a lot of time.

A second phone solved a lot of problems while still keeping Lexa’s worlds separate. 

Hmm. Maybe Lexa was being a little brash rejecting the phone. Maybe she _should_ keep it. Maybe she could find money in her budget to buy the phone from Octavia and pay the monthly bill. But before she could make that decision, she’d need to find out how much it would cost. 

She took a hesitant step toward the bed, throwing her school bag on it and watching the phone bounce up at the impact. Even from a few paces away she could see there was a notification on the screen. 

She had a message. No doubt from Raven.

That girl was a piece of work.

Knowing there was no point in delaying the inevitable, Lexa walked to the side of her bed and unplugged it from its charging cord. One swipe later and she was looking at a message board.

 

**_Kissing Queen:_ ** _Welcome to the 21_ _ st _ _century, Newton._

_This phone has all the apps preloaded for your Generation Fucked Starter Kit._

_And this is the place where we talk about ALL the things._

 

**_Little O:_ ** _u’ve been warned_

_which reminds me i’ve always wanted to ask_

_can girls give girls UTIs?_

_#StraightGirlsWantToKnow_

 

**_Kissing Queen:_ ** _Gosh, O, let me google that for you._

<http://lmgtfy.com/?q=can+girls+give+girls+UTIs%3F>

_Anyway, Sugar Tits and Cuddle Slut will join us after they get out of class._

_Until then, feel free to peruse the backlog of conversations and see if you change your mind about being our friends._

 

**_Little O:_ ** _at this point there’s no going back. sorry. u’re stuck_

 

**_Kissing Queen:_ ** _Also, O and I are going shopping tonight, if you want to come. It’ll be fun!_

 

Lexa stared at the screen, not sure what to do next. Pack up the phone? Ask them who was Cuddle Slut and who was Sugar Tits, and then pack up the phone? Just take it back to Raven’s and be firm about giving it back? Agree to go shopping with them and give it back to them there? 

The last time Lexa bought clothes had been last August, and the clothes were getting pretty tired. Lexa only had about $40 to work with this month, but she could probably get some new shirts with that. And with Raven and Octavia along, they would be cute shirts.

Part of Lexa panicked at the thought of spending time with the girls. She knew why. Their friendship could never last, but…did it need to? Was it okay to just know people for a couple of months or years while knowing that you were just orbiting for a time? When it came time to part ways, it didn’t need to be sad, did it? It didn’t need to be a loss. It was just people going different ways for good reasons.

Lexa sat on her bed and thought of Clarke’s core friends. 

Costia would only be around for a few months. Then she’d graduate from college, move to Memphis, and marry her boyfriend. She would leave, and that was okay. It even made sense.

Raven was a Junior, so she’d be around maybe a year and a half before she went off to get a Master’s degree in some engineering field or something. And that’s exactly what Raven should do. Move on. Grow. Take the next step, even if it took her away from people moving onto another path.

Octavia was a freshman, so she was the one who would be abandoned by everyone in her senior year, but that wasn’t stopping her from spending time with all the people who would move on before her. Even the guy she was crushing on would graduate next year, yet Octavia was putting her hopes and heart in his hands. There was every chance her heart would be broken, but she was taking the chance anyway. 

Lexa wished she was that brave.

The only one in the group who was set to graduate the same time as Lexa was Clarke, and…yeah, when the time came, Clarke would orbit out of Lexa’s life too. And that was okay. That was normal. It happened all the time with everyone. It wasn’t personal. Once graduation came, Clarke would go wherever life took her next, just like Raven, because that’s how life worked.

Lexa just needed to accept that. 

Live in the moment, but don’t get attached to it. Don’t get used to it. No one was forever. No one stayed...and, again, that was okay. It wasn’t a reason to refuse to go shopping when Raven and Octavia offered. Sure, in two years Raven would be gone and Octavia might have found other friends, but that wasn’t a reason not to go shopping today.

She should go shopping.

Or she could just pretend she didn’t see the message and not respond until it was too late. That felt like the better choice.

The debate between going and not going shouldn’t have made Lexa sick to her stomach, yet the longer she sat on her bed and stared at her screen the more uneasy she felt.

She should just say no. For practical reasons. She had $40 and that money would be best spent at a thrift store, not a mall. She might even be able to get a new pair of pants if she played things right.

Yeah, she should say no. Not because she was nervous to make new friends, but because it was just practical. Why shop together when they weren’t even going to go to the same stores?

Lexa took a breath, ready to message the girls to let them know tonight wasn’t good for her when a loud knock sounded at her door.

“We know you’re in there!” a voice called out. Octavia’s voice. “Come out, come out wherever you are!”

Surprised, Lexa stood from her bed and walked over to the door. Sure enough, when she opened it, Raven and Octavia were on the other side.

“Ready to go shopping?” Raven said, her stunning smile in full effect. Both girls were decked out in skinny jeans and sexy tops that made it hard not to look down and appreciate their sleek lines.

“How…?” Lexa began, thrown off by their impeccable timing.

Raven smirked. “The app notifies us when you’ve seen a message, so we knew you were home. We just waited down the street and got some coffee until it pinged us because we knew you’d try to avoid us. Avoiding is kind of your thing, according to Clarke.”

“And we’re pushy,” Octavia said. “It’s how things get done. So grab your phone and your wallet, and let’s go.”

Lexa hesitated. “I really should—”

“Oh my gosh,” Octavia groaned, rolling her eyes and grabbing Lexa’s wrist. “Just shut up and let’s go.”

Lexa had to admit that she didn’t really fight the other girl as she dragged her down the hall.

Apparently, she was going shopping.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not buying...it's shopping.

“Yes,” Raven said, her eyes locked on Lexa’s hips sporting unisex boxer briefs in the dressing room mirror. “Lex, you need about twenty pairs of these. Definitely a few of the black with white trim. Indigo, too.”

“I’m so confused,” Octavia said, eyes locked on the underwear. “Why am I a little turned on right now?”

“Because she looks hot.”

Octavia shook her head, still looking. “But I’m straight.”

Raven just shrugged. “Sexy is sexy.”

Octavia blinked several times before looking through the stack of different colors she’d picked up. “I need to get a pair for Lincoln and let him know that if he wears them, I’m a sure thing.”

Lexa looked at Octavia’s face in the mirror, trying to see whether or not she was joking.

Raven didn’t seem to care either way. “Babe, that man could show up dressed like the Chick-fil-a cow and you’d still be a sure thing.”

More than a little out of her depth, Lexa backed toward the dressing room. “I should probably change.”

“No,” Octavia said, still looking through the different pairs. “You should listen to Raven and buy twenty pairs of those, and never wear anything else from now on. These are definitely your new pajama bottoms. Boxer briefs with a tank.”

Raven nodded. “Yum. Definitely. Clarke will be doing kegels every night.”

That caught Lexa’s attention, and took a second look in the mirror. 

Would Clarke really like these?

Lexa liked the boxer briefs, she really did, but whatever Raven and Octavia were seeing, she wasn’t seeing it. All she knew was that she felt comfortable in a pair of underwear for the first time in a long time—maybe ever. Lace and satin and all that stuff was fine, but it was never _her_. Or maybe they just felt like false advertising. She didn’t know. These unisex boxer briefs felt right, though. They weren’t skimpy or trying too hard. In fact, they covered a lot while still showing her shape. They were subtle sexy. She really liked that.

But they were also triple the price of the satiny, lacey shit. One pair would cost more than half the money she had on her, so…satiny lacey shit it was.

“Here, try the green,” Octavia said, passing over a different style and cut. Since Lexa was trying everything on over her existing underwear, she just stepped out of her current pair and tried on the new color while Raven and O argued over which colors were keepers.

“You guys,” Lexa said when they got into a heated debate over the purple pair with yellow trim. “I’m not actually getting any of these, okay? I’m just trying them on for fun.”

Both girls paused and looked at her like she’d just announced Donald Trump was the new pope.

“Knowing your colors and your looks is important, Lexa,” Octavia said at last. “So is designing the layers of your clothing and deciding who gets to see which layers.” She held up a pair of briefs in each hand. “Sporting black with no trim sends a completely different message than green with yellow trim. Then there’s pink—”

“Ew, no,” Lexa said on reflex.

“See?” Octavia beamed. “You have an opinion there. But I also bet we could find a pair in pink that you love. It’s all about design and lines and shades, and if you’re not finding your style a little bit more each time you shop, then you’re wasting time. That’s not shopping; that’s buying.”

Lexa looked between Octavia and Raven. “So I should…”

“Try on all the colors,” Raven finished for her. “All the trims. All the cuts. You don’t have to settle on the first thing that works.”

 _All_ of them? They’d be here all night. Lexa started to object. “But I’m not going to buy any of—”

“Again,” Octavia said. “We’re not _buying._ We’re _shopping._ ”

Raven’s dark eyes studied Lexa. “Get the difference?”

“I…guess so.”

“Good,” Raven said, pulling a pair of pants out nowhere. “Then try these on. I’m dying to see if my ass looks better than yours in them.”

It was hard not to smile as Lexa grabbed the skinny jeans and stepped into them. They felt a bit different going on over boxer briefs, but Lexa was okay with it. She was still zipping up when Octavia clucked her tongue.

“Damn, Raven, I think she has you beat. I mean, your ass is high and tight, but do you see—”

“Yeah. I see it,” Raven said, not sounding too happy about whatever _it_ was.

Octavia shook her head, still staring at Lexa’s ass. “Your current wardrobe is not doing that booty justice, Lexa. We really need to re-home those Levi’s of yours so that this look becomes an everyday thing.”

“I know my life will be a better place once that happens,” Raven agreed. “You really need to update your wardrobe for your people, Lexa.”

Octavia nodded her agreement. “For the people. Definitely.”

Lexa couldn’t help it. She laughed. “You two are insane. You know that?”

“Insanely _hot_ ,” Raven corrected. “And you could be, too, if you heed our advice in this matter.”

“Well, she’s already hot,” Octavia argued. “She’s just hiding it under sad hand-me-downs.”

“True enough,” Raven said. “And that’s not to say that there is anything wrong with hand-me-downs—only with sad and ill-suited hand-me-downs.”

Lexa smiled and started to take the pants back off when Octavia stopped her. “Now see? See how you get a peek of your underwear when you just undo your pants like that? That’s part of the layering you need to think about moving forward.” Completely ignoring Lexa’s personal space, Octavia opened and closed her fly, showing Lexa the reveal of the green boxers. “This is a sight your lover is going to see, and you want it to foreshadow what they’re going to get. Is sex with you going to be light and fun? Intense? Are you going to randomly cry during a make-out session, or pin their arms above their head and torture them until all they can do is beg? The second they undo your pants and move from your public layer to your private, they should be rewarded with a hint of what’s to come.”

“Totally agreed,” Raven said, and suddenly it was Lexa who was staring at their hips.

“So what do you two wear?” Lexa asked.

Raven shrugged. “If you want to find out, you’re going to have to seduce us.”

“Or at least bait us into stripping down for some other reason that warrants the payoff,” Octavia added.

Lexa gestured toward the mirror. “But you guys know what I’m wearing.”

Octavia arched a brow. “A polyester blend from a Hanes 3-pack that proves no one is seeing you naked these days? Sure. I can look at your current briefs and know that there’s zero chance you’re going to hit on me even though you’re Kinsey 6 and I’m a totally hot girl. I can also see that you’re trying on boxer briefs right now, but you’ve already said you’re not going to buy them. So do I know what you’ll be wearing next week? In a month? In a year? No. And that’s part of the foreplay—part of the intrigue.”

“Again, totally agreed,” Raven said. “And you do too, because you’re totally trying to picture me and O in our underwear right now.”

Guilty. Raven was totally right. Lexa was picturing it. Octavia definitely wore black or jewel colors in Lexa’s mind. Lace was probably involved…or not. Everything Lexa pictured looked fantastic on the girl, including Scooby-Doo underoos. Lexa felt fairly certain Octavia could pull of anything.

And Raven…she would look amazing in lingerie, but Lexa had the sense that she kept things sleek, simple, and sexy.

“See?” Raven teased. “See how fun it is to try to picture it? That’s what people are going to do with you, and you want to give them something worth remembering when they finally do see it. Not a pair of underwear they’d find in their mom’s laundry.”

“Preach,” Octavia agreed.

Lexa stared in the full-length mirror and considered their words. The idea of cute underwear was not new to her, of course, but she’d always thought herself a bit above it. But all it took was one thought of Clarke staring at her ass or the thought of Clarke mentally undoing Lexa’s pants so she could imagine the underwear underneath to have Lexa reaching for her $40.

Clarke wasn’t the tidiest person on the planet, so Lexa had definitely seen her underwear, but not on her. Usually she saw Clarke’s bra after she took it off under her shirt and tossed it to the side at the end of the day. And she knew Clarke favored thongs, but she always wore things over them in the dorm—clothes during the day, and little shorts at night.

Lexa’s mind flipped back to Octavia’s suggestion of the boxer briefs with a tank for pajamas. No bra. Then, instead of imagining herself dressed like that, she imagined Clarke in her thong and a tank. No bra.

Daaaaaaaaamn. Who was doing kegels now? For a second, Lexa couldn’t even breathe.

“She’s catching the vision,” Octavia said, holding up her hand for a high five. 

Raven didn’t leave her hanging and their hands slapped together behind Lexa’s head. “Our girl is growing up.”

Lexa needed this underwear. Like…it was no longer a fun idea. It was a necessary one. And some black tanks… or white? Dare she go for white? Was that just too overt?

Yeah, black…or maybe she should follow Raven and Octavia’s wild and crazy advise and try different tops on before deciding which was better.

Shop. Don’t just buy. What a radical concept.

“She’s got that look in her eye,” Raven said to Octavia. 

“She’s in the zone,” Octavia agreed. “In it to win it.”

“You know what that means, right?”

Octavia nodded. “Time to try on _all_ the things.”

Raven patted Lexa on the back. “You stay in the dressing room and we’ll bring things to you, okay? You show us everything as you try it on, and we split everything up into piles of _Love It_ or _Don’t Love It_. That’s it, okay? Don’t think about buying. Just think about what you love.”

Lexa nodded, her heart racing a bit in her chest. “Sounds good.”

 

* * *

 

When Lexa came back from classes the next day, her bed was covered in shopping sacks from the mall. She froze at the sight. 

Yesterday it had been a phone—a phone she _still_ hadn’t given back—and today it was six bags from stores at the mall?

This had to stop. Now.

On the other side of the room, Clarke was sitting on her bed and, by the look on her face, Lexa decided her roommate had been waiting for her to come home.

“I know you’re going to tell me to take all this back,” Clarke said without preamble. “So before you say anything, let me tell you why that won’t be happening.”

Lexa stepped forward. “Clarke, there’s no way—”

“My dad died when I was sixteen,” Clarke said, effectively cutting off anything Lexa might possibly say to trump her. “He died at work and it was the company’s fault. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, but it did change my life in a significant way.” She was silent for a moment then said, “I have money.”

Lexa wasn’t sure what to say. _Sorry_ sounded cliché and like just not enough, and returning to the topic of the bags and demanding that the clothes go back just seemed cold when Clarke was talking about her dead father.

“There was the life insurance policy my mom took out on him when they first got married,” Clarke explained. “Then there was the policy he had through his work. And then there was the whole wrongful death suit that my mom settled out of court. All of these payouts were at least seven figures each, and my mom gave half of the money to me in a trust. So…” Clarke locked eyes with Lexa. “I have money. I don’t throw it around and I’m not stupid with it, but $600 is quite literally nothing to me. I know it’s something to you and you’re going to feel like I need this money back, but I don’t. I really, really don’t. And if my dad were here, he would have loved to have picked up all these things for you and paid for it himself. He’d want to do this and I want to do this, which is why none of this is going back. Does that make sense?”

No. It didn’t. Not even a little.

“I can’t…” Lexa muttered and Clarke just smiled in response.

“Like I said before,” she teased. “I’m a giver. And I’m really good at it.”

Lexa’s heartbeat felt like rabbit punches against her ribs as she fought for the right response—any response. “Clarke…”

Her roommate smiled at Lexa’s helpless tone, and it was Lexa’s first hint that she was going to lose this battle. She already had.

“You want to pay me back?” Clarke asked.

“Definitely,” Lexa said, glancing at the bags and feeling helpless in coming up with ideas of how she could possibly do that.

“Then you can give me something I want,” Clarke said. “We’ve been roommates seven months, and I barely know you.”

Lexa felt herself tense. She would give Clarke anything, but digging into Lexa’s life story wouldn’t be doing either of them any favors. So she shrugged. “Not much to tell.”

“Maybe not,” Clarke said. “But it would be good to just know some of the basics.” She bit her lip, looking a bit nervous before she spoke again. “For example, I’ve never heard you talk about your parents or seen you take any calls from them.”

For a moment they just looked at each other, Lexa feeling like a deer in headlights. Fight or flight. Those were the options that jumped to mind first, but after looking into Clarke’s sincere eyes for a few beats, a third option occurred to her.

“I was raised in foster care,” Lexa said. “My mom disappeared when I was seven and I never knew my dad.”

“Whoa,” Clarke said. “I mean, I was kind of expecting something like that, but…that’s rough, Lexa.”

Lexa shrugged. “It’s my normal, Clarke.”

The blue eyes watched Lexa in a way she wasn’t entirely comfortable with. Self-conscious, she used the excuse of moving one of the bags off her bed to sit down to look away from her roommate.

“And you’re here on a full-ride scholarship?” Clarke asked.

“Yeah,” Lexa said, still not looking at her. “It was the only way college was going to happen. Luckily for me, a lot of orphans don’t really apply for scholarships.” _Because they’re dead or addicted or living on the street instead._ But she didn’t say that part out loud.

“Any siblings?” Clarke asked.

Lexa shook her head. “No. I’m the only abortion that didn’t take.”

Clarke nodded, her eyes unreadable again. “I’m glad,” she muttered, confusing Lexa.

“Glad?”

“That it didn’t take,” Clarke said, no smile in her tone or on her lips. “I’m glad I get to know you.”

Lexa really needed for Clarke not to say things like that. It messed with her brain. “I’m just one in eight billion, Clarke. If I wasn’t born, the world would be exactly the same.”

“Mine wouldn’t be,” Clarke replied and Lexa felt herself flinch.

“That’s…a nice thing to say, but I wish you wouldn’t,” Lexa confessed.

Clarke’s head tilted, studying her. “You don’t want me to care?”

Lexa chewed her lip, trying to figure out how to respond. “It’s not that I don’t want you to, it’s just that I know you really don’t.”

Clarke’s eyebrows shot up.

“I mean, you do,” Lexa amended. “I’m not saying you’re fake or anything. I’m just saying that your version of caring and my version of caring may not be the same.”

When Clarke looked a bit angry at her lame attempt to explain, Lexa panicked a bit and tried to do better.

“I…don’t know how to say it, Clarke. I don’t, but I don’t care easily. Not like you. And it’s really hard for me to believe people really care about me, and that’s not me being a martyr, I swear, okay? It’s just experience.” She gestured to the bags around her. “You have to know that a gift like this terrifies me, because I’ve never once received a gift where the person did come back to collect something in trade at a later date. So if I take any of this, you have to know that I’m going to be waiting for you call in this chip, and that’s not a reflection on you, but on me.” 

Based on Clarke’s expression, Lexa could tell she wasn’t doing much better in explaining herself. It didn’t help that her chest felt like it might explode and her head was a little dizzy. She pushed the heel of her hand against her heart and rubbed the ache in her chest as she kept trying to explain. 

“Clarke, there is more sitting on this bed than everything I’ve ever gotten in all my Christmases combined, and for you it was easy. But I literally don’t know how to process this. Do you get that? To accept that you are giving all this to me without condition is to accept that every other person who was supposed to care for me throughout my life didn’t care enough to do for me what you’re choosing to do on a whim.” Her finger hooked into the handles of the bag at her feet and she held it up. “This might be simple for you, but the very fact that it was a no-brainer for you is part of what makes it so hard for me. Part of what has helped me cope through the years is accepting that things like this don’t happen—and will never happen—for me. No expectations means no disappointments, and you’re screwing with that right now. Big time. Does that make sense?”

Clarke nodded slowly, the anger gone from her eyes. “Yeah. I think I do.”

Lexa took a slow breath, hating the tears that were pushing into the corner of her eyes. So stupid. Few things were more useless than crying.

“But I’m still not taking any of it back, Lexa,” Clarke said. “Because maybe it’s time for a new chapter for you. And maybe it’s my honor to be a part of that chapter.”

The heat building up behind Lexa’s eyes was beginning to border on alarming in its insistency to fill her eyes with water. She blinked several times to get the tears under control and took several more breaths. “I don’t know how to do this, Clarke.”

“It’s simple,” she said. “When people give freely, accept freely. Then, when you have something to give that they need, give that in return. It’s a different kind of accounting, but it all balances out. I promise.”

“I…don’t know if I can do that.”

“Can you give it a try?” Clarke asked.

Lexa hesitated for a long time and it wasn’t until she looked into Clarke’s earnest eyes that she found her answer. “I can try.”

“Okay,” Clarke said gently before gesturing at the bags. “Then step one is to get really excited about all these clothes. Because I looked through them before I got them, and they’re fucking hot. And then, if you have to make a tally in your mental books, just tell yourself that the next time you see me needing something that I can’t do for myself, you’ll have my back. That could be your way of paying me back. Could that work for you?”

“I…think it could,” Lexa said, surprised that it felt like the truth.

“Good,” Clarke said, smiling for the first time. “Then I'm ready to move on to the fashion show portion of the evening. Raven and O say I really need to see your ass in skinny jeans.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, this story is fueled by kudos, so when you push that button, you are fueling more chapters. Just sayin' ;)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Group study time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all really came through with the kudos, which means I owe you more than one chapter. This is all I could pound out today, but know that more is coming. You've earned it.
> 
> Thanks for the love!

The invitation to do homework at Raven and O’s was less of an actual invitation and more a case of Lexa chasing down her backpack after O slung it onto her back and rode off on her motorcycle. When Lexa arrived at the off-campus house, she found a group gathered in the living room and, to her surprise, everyone was legitimately studying.

So she stayed.

Monty had his laptop open and was designing blueprints for his engineering class. Every so often he would call Raven over and pick her brain, but other than that, he stayed silent. 

Jasper’s work seemed to be focused on environmental studies and he was creating a report on states with pay-to-sin policies, where environmental laws were in place, but companies or individuals were allowed to ignore them for a fee.

O sat at the table with a book on gender studies in front of her, but she kept picking up her phone and scrolling through pictures. 

Lexa had no idea what Raven was doing, but she was sitting cross-legged on the counter with about a thousand parts in front of her and she seemed to be building something. 

Across the room, on the couch, Clarke sat with a sketch book, her eyes trained on Raven while her hand sketched away.

After the party from the previous weekend, it almost felt odd to be in the space and have it be so silent and everyone so well-behaved. Lexa had to admit that if she weren’t seeing it with her own eyes, she wouldn’t have thought it possible for this group to share the same space in silence.

Lexa was focused on her report on addiction when the front door opened. A few seconds later Costia stepped into view. Everyone sent Costia a quick nod of greeting as she assessed the seating situation before choosing to join Clarke on the couch.

“Want to draw me next?” Costia asked her.

Clarke smiled and nodded in response.

“Cool,” Costia said, then opened her bag and pulled out a laptop.

Everything grew silent again as everyone did their own thing. For Lexa, it was both odd and comforting at the same time.

Ten minutes later, Bellamy and Finn arrived and Lexa felt herself bristle when Finn beelined it over to Clarke and pressed a kiss to her lips. Clarke returned the greeting before moving her eyes back to Raven.

“Got room for one more on this couch?” Finn asked, but didn’t wait for an answer before launching himself over the back of the couch and landing between Clarke and Costia. Lexa watched Costia’s jaw tense at the move, but she kept her eyes locked on the computer screen and kept working without comment.

“Hey guys,” Bellamy said, walking over to the counter Raven was sitting on.

Everyone grunted hellos in return.

When Bellamy pulled up a stool and sat in Raven’s line of sight, the girl sent him a sly smile.

Huh. Raven and Bellamy? Lexa hadn’t known they were a thing.

Lexa’s eyes glanced back in Finn and Clarke’s direction, noting that Clarke was switching positions with Finn so he wouldn’t block her views of Raven and Costia while she was drawing. Finn was using the swap as an excuse to get Clarke nestled between his legs. Apparently, all he needed to do was read for his homework and he could do that with Clarke using him as a recliner.

Lexa forced her eyes back to her book, trying to refocus on the words on the page. Instead she kept reading the same sentence over and over again, unable to focus.

Studying here had suddenly turned into a bad idea. She should go.

In her peripheral vision she saw Finn tuck a lock of Clarke’s hair behind her ear before whispering into it.

“That looks really good, hon,” Lexa heard him say before Clarke’s lips curved up in a pleased smile.

“Thanks,” she said softly. “I’m trying something new.”

“I can tell. I like it.”

Clarke’s smile grew and Lexa forced her focus back to her book.

It was stupid to be jealous when she had no right to be. Still…Lexa wished Clarke was sitting between _her_ legs and that Lexa was the one who got to watch over her shoulder as Clarke sketched out the things that caught her eye.

But she hadn’t earned such a casual intimacy. Finn had. He was the one Clarke kissed without a second thought and the one Clarke snuggled into when she wanted a pair of arms around her.

Lexa took a deep breath, fighting to get her brain back on track so she could finish her paper. She didn’t have a computer like everyone else, so she would just write it all about by hand then type it out later on one of the school’s computers.

If she could get herself to focus.

Lexa was just barely getting back into the groove when Raven pushed herself off the counter. “Fuck it,” she said, walking toward her bedroom.

“Ruh-roh,” O called after her. “Someone’s going to start cheating.”

“It’s not cheating,” Raven said as she disappeared into her room. Curious to see what O was talking about, Lexa waited until Raven re-emerged from her room and was surprised to see a joint in Raven’s hand. 

Was she seriously going to get high?

Lexa’s question was answered when Raven stepped out onto the patio and lit up. One hit…two hits…three hits, then she snuffed out the joint and walked back in. She took a quick trip back to her room then returned to her spot on the counter, once again looking at all the parts in front of her.

Lexa couldn’t help it. She was writing a paper on drug addiction and someone was using right in front of her. That didn’t make Raven an addict, but the girl was definitely using drugs as a tool or coping mechanism. Lexa needed to know which it was. For science.

After about thirty seconds of looking at all the pieces, Raven’s hands went to work. She didn’t say a word. She just started sorting all the components in front of her into piles or assembling them together.

Monty eyed Lexa from across the table and when she looked his way he mouthed, _It helps her focus._

All around Lexa, everyone was still hard at work. Except Octavia. She was on Instagram from Lexa could see. Lexa forced herself not to take a glance at the couch before turning her attention back to her book.

An hour later, Clarke had gone through three sheets of paper in her sketch book and a small robot stood in front of Raven. When Raven flipped a switch on its foot, the robot blinked to life and started walking.

“Boom!” Raven said, admiring her handy work. “Who’s about to get an A? This bitch.”

Bellamy shook his head. “It’s so not fair that you become Tesla when you’re high. All I can do is stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep.”

“It just helps me see better,” Raven said, turning her robot off. “My brain sees how it always sees, just more clearly and on demand.”

Lexa considered that and noted that there wasn’t much research done on people like Raven, who became more productive under the influence of a non-addictive drug. Lexa certainly wasn’t one of those people. She’d learned that for sure a few weeks back. If Lexa ever got high again, it would be in a time and place where she had absolutely no obligations and felt completely safe. When she was high, she was vulnerable, not productive.

Bellamy shook his head. “I don’t see better. I just get horny.”

Raven laughed. “You’re always horny.”

“True,” Bellamy agreed. “But it’s bad when I’m high.”

“That’s because sex feels awesome when you’re high,” Clarke said from the couch and as Lexa jerked in surprise at the comment, everyone around her nodded. Except Costia. She kept her eyes on her laptop and bit her lip as if trying to stop herself from saying something.

Suddenly Lexa felt O’s eyes on her. “I’d pay money to see Lexa high,” she said with a sly smile.

Raven glanced over from the counter. “That can be arranged.”

Lexa shook her head. “I have homework. I need to focus…not all of us are Raven.”

O’s eyebrows shot up. “So you have been high before?”

Lexa looked over at the couch, surprised that Clarke still hadn’t shared that story with her friends. “Once,” she confessed. “I got high to give myself the courage to come out to Clarke.”

That got everyone’s attention and she felt a few people share looks.

“And that’s the only time?” O pressed.

Lexa nodded. “I’m not a big fan of drugs. I’ve seen too much of the bad side.”

“That’s fair,” Raven said from the counter. “This may sound hypocritical coming from me, but you really need to be careful.”

“I wonder if I’d draw better when I’m high,” Clarke mused from the couch.

O laughed. “You’d definitely draw slower.”

“Would I?” Clarke said. “I wonder…”

“You have anywhere else to be tonight?” Raven said from the counter. “If you’re only going to be here and Lexa stays sober so she can take you home, then I’ll hook you up.”

Lexa felt herself tense, hating the thought of Clarke high with Finn’s hands all over her. The guy was horny. Lexa could practically smell it on him. If Clarke got high, he was going to find a way to get laid out of it. Lexa was certain.

“I’ll get her home,” Lexa heard herself say, making a mental promise that there was no way Finn was walking back with them.

Raven looked Clarke’s way. “Then it’s your choice, babe. The rule is that you have to finish whatever assignment you’re working on. If you space out and fall asleep, or Cuddle Slut takes over and you disappear to get laid, then your studying-under-the-influence privileges will be revoked.”

“Sounds fair,” Clarke said, rolling out of Finn’s hold.

Raven stabbed a finger at the guy. “That means you’re off the couch, lover boy. We all know you have the self-control of a rabbit, so grab a chair and sit next to Bellamy.”

Finn visibly pouted.

Okay. Maybe Clarke getting high wasn’t the worst idea ever.

Two minutes later, Raven and Clarke were out on the patio together and Lexa watched as Clarke smoked like a pro. It was an odd moment where Lexa realized that she really didn’t know her roommate as well as she thought she did. Had Clarke ever been a smoker, or had she just smoked a lot of pot? Lexa had no idea.

Five minutes later, Clarke was back on the couch, sketching away.

“Any difference?” O asked her, looking up from her phone.

Clarke hesitated. “Yeah.” 

“Yeah?” O pressed. “How so?”

“I want to draw…” She stopped whatever she was about to say and started over. “We’ve had a lot of nudes in my class recently and I haven’t felt very inspired by them, but it’s kind of weird how bad I want to have a nude model in front of me right now.”

“That can be arranged,” Bellamy joked and his sister pulled a face.

“Gross, Bell.”

“What? You don’t have to look, O.”

O arched an eyebrow at her brother—some kind of silent sibling conversation happening in the space of a second before Bellamy looked away.

“Point made,” he sighed.

Point? What point? Whatever O had communicated, Lexa had completely missed it.

Finn smiled at Clarke from his stool, hunger evident in his eyes. “You can draw me from memory, babe. I won't mind.”

Clarke smiled. “Let’s be real. You rarely have the patience to take everything off, so I haven’t really seen you all at once.”

That got a howl of laughter from everyone as Finn’s face blanched red. 

“Hey,” he protested. “I’m not the only impatient one when we’re together.”

Raven and O both snickered at that one and even Bellamy shook his head. “Want a shovel for that hole you’re digging, man?”

“Et tu, Brute?” Finn lamented.

Bellamy only shrugged. “Who am I to argue with a lady?”

Finn barked in laughter. “Lady? I don’t see any ladies here.”

“Hey,” Raven warned, picking up one of the pieces in front of her. “I can build a taser with the components in front of me. Don’t tempt me.”

Finn pressed his lips together in compliance.

On the couch, Clarke had grown still and Lexa wasn’t the only one who had noticed.

“Babe?” Raven called from the counter. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said without hesitation. “I just really want to draw…”

“Draw?” Raven prompted.

Clarke blinked a few times. “I have the wrong sketch book.”

“You have more than one?” Raven asked.

“Yeah,” Clarke said. “The other one’s at school.”

“So just draw whatever you want to draw in that book instead,” O said. “It’s allowed, Clarke. It’s all just paper.”

Clarke appeared to consider that before shaking her head. “No. I should draw something else.”

Next to her, Costia sighed. “Well, if you want me to take off my clothes for you, I’m not doing that here. We’ll have to go my bedroom.”

The offer hit Lexa like a rubber band, stinging her enough to look around and see if she was the only one who found the offer odd. She found O and Raven sharing a look she couldn’t quite interpret and Bellamy and Finn grinning widely.

On the couch, Clarke didn’t respond right away. “Sure. We can go to your room.”

Costia nodded and started gathering up her things. When O opened her mouth to say something, Raven gave her head a quick shake. A moment later, O’s mouth was shut again and she was looking at her phone.

“Let me know when you’re ready to leave, Lexa. Don’t wait for me to come back down if you’re ready to check out. Just grab me,” Clarke said as she followed Costia up the stairs. 

“Okay,” Lexa replied, feeling helpless.

When they were gone, O’s mouth opened again. “Is this smart?” she asked Raven. “We both know—”

“I know,” Raven said.

“And?” O prompted.

“She’s not _that_ high,” was all Raven said.

More than anything Lexa wanted to know what they were talking about. O looked legitimately worried while Raven looked cautiously optimistic. But why?

Finn clarified things a bit when he rolled his eyes. “She’s not going to cheat on me, you guys. High or drunk, Clarke doesn’t lose her compass. And she’s not a cheater.”

“Still,” O muttered. “Costia has her ways.”

“And she’s been trying to get into Clarke’s pants for a year and a half,” Monty added, speaking for the first time in what felt like hours. “She wants to be Clarke’s first woman. We all know that.”

“But Clarke has also shut her down for a year and a half, and that’s not going to change today,” Raven said with confidence.

Lexa’s eyes moved to the stairs, suddenly more nervous than she had been when Clarke had been snuggling up to Finn. 

The night of the party Clarke had told her that Costia had a thing for breaking girls in, but it had never occurred to Lexa that Clarke knew that because Costia had been trying to hook up with Clarke. It made sense. Obviously. Who wouldn’t want to get into Clarke’s pants?

Lexa’s mind replayed all the times she’d seen Costia and was surprised to realize that Costia had always positioned herself next to Clarke wherever they were. And she’d done things like pulling up pictures on her phone to draw Clarke even closer.

Costia liked Clarke. 

Lexa had no idea how she hadn’t seen it before everyone else laid the fact out in front of her, but now that she’d seen it, she couldn’t un-see it.

And the girl was about to strip down in front of Clarke while Clarke was high?

Hell, no.

Lexa cleared her throat. “Think they need a chaperone?”

Raven laughed. “Well, that wouldn’t be you. You’re number three on Costia’s list, right after O.”

Lexa arched her brow. “Not number four, after you?”

Raven smirked. “No. I fucked Costia’s brains out last year. It was a one-and-done and we both moved on. She wanted to pop her girl-cherry with someone she trusted, so I volunteered.”

Lexa’s lips parted in shock as Bellamy and Finn gave each other a high five under the table. Lexa had no idea why they were high fiving. It wasn’t like they had done anything.

Raven and Costia had slept together? Last year? And they were still friends?

Lexa blinked as she processed that. A moment later, footsteps came down the stairs and Clarke reappeared carrying her sketch book. 

“Do you have soda or something?” she asked. “My throat is way dry from the pot.”

“For sure,” Raven said, sliding off the counter and walking over to the fridge. When Clarke came over to grab the can Raven pulled out, Raven didn’t hand it over right away. 

“No touching up there,” she warned like a stern parent. “No sex.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Not on the menu. Promise.”

Raven arched a skeptical brow.

“I’m serious,” she said, opening her book and showing some pages to Raven. “This is what I’m practicing and I really need to see anatomy to get it right.”

Raven turned several pages, her eyes focusing just like they had when she’d built her robot.

“Very well,” she said, handing over her soda. “You’ve made your case. Go. Draw…until Costia tries to sit on your face. If that happens, I expect a cry for help in the form of a snap chat.”

Clarke laughed. “Copy that.”

“And send it to all of us,” Bellamy said, and Clarke scowled in response.

“By the way,” O called out when Clarke started back toward the stairs. “I’m curious. What’s Lexa like when she’s high?”

Clarke grinned from ear-to-ear, her sapphire eyes locking on Lexa’s in a way that made Lexa feel a bit self-conscious. “She’s happy. Free. Funny.”

Octavia’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

Clarke nodded. “Really. Seriously, if you ever see Lexa high, you'll know because she'll tell you she’s high. It’ll, like, be the first thing out of her mouth.”

“Nice,” Raven laughed.

“And she'll say ‘you know’ a lot,” Clarke added. “At least from what I remember. Like, every two seconds.”

“Good to know,” O said, sending Lexa a conspiratorial look. “As you were, Griffster. Get up there and fulfill one of Costia’s wet dreams by drawing her like one of your French girls.”

Raven threw her head back and laughed at that one as Clarke disappeared back up the stairs.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naked...because art.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters back-to-back today. Thanks for the kudos and the love <3

There were no clocks in Costia’s room, so Clarke had no idea what time it was when a light knock came on the door.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s voice called, and for a moment all Clarke could pay attention to was how she seemed to hear Lexa’s voice in layers. Pot did that to her sometimes. Changed sound. “You ready to go anytime soon?”

“Five minutes,” she called back, looking over at Costia.

“So soon?” Costia asked, checking the time on her phone. Clarke watched the motion and noted that she wasn’t missing time anymore. All of Costia’s movements looked normal, which meant she was coming down from the high, even though she was still feeling it.

“How long has it been?”

“Huh,” Costia said, eyebrows drawing together. “Two hours,” She looked up and smiled. “Time flies when you’re having fun, I guess.”

“Apparently,” Clarke agreed. “I’d guess we’d been in here half that time.”

Costia smiled. “Me, too.”

Clarke looked down at her sketchbook, knowing Costia would want to see her work. But her current work wasn’t really the kind of stuff people liked to see. It was experimental, not pretty. But she had five minutes. That was long enough to give Costia something she could keep as a thank you.

“Let me draw something for you,” Clarke said. “Whatever you want.”

Costia smirked at her. Clarke knew that face. “Anything?”

“Yes, Costia,” Clarke laughed. “Even your vulva. If you really want me to see it and pretend that you’re not watching to see whether I get turned on or not looking at you, I’ll draw it.”

Costia studied her. “And that’s it? Just draw?”

“That’s it,” Clarke confirmed. “We’ve got a five-minute timer on us and I’m currently having my period, so Cuddle Slut is very much contained at the moment.”

Costia stood from her bed and walked over to Clarke. “Can I see what you’ve been practicing?”

“It doesn’t look good yet,” Clarke hedged. “I’m still figuring out how to do it, but you really did help see a few things. I promise.”

“Can you explain it to me?”

Clarke licked her lips nervously and glanced down at the last image she’d drawn. “I guess. If you’d rather I do that than draw you a picture to keep.”

“Yeah,” Costia said, standing behind Clarke to look over her shoulder. Clarke may have been on her period with only four-ish minutes to work with, but she was still very much aware that her friend was naked as she stood a breath away. And as much as she liked to feign indifference around Costia, she wasn’t unaffected.

Clarke cleared her throat. “So…basically what I’m trying to do is capture the active lines of your body, both above and below the surface. There are the lines our eyes see on the outside, but there are the lines an connections underneath the surface that create that external shape. So what I’m trying to figure out is how to do is capture the human form as simply as possible by identifying the muscles, movements, and connections that make the visible shape possible.”

Costia leaned over Clarke’s shoulder, examining the current picture closely before pointing. “So that means that’s my ass and that’s my shoulder?”

“Yes,” Clarke said in surprise. “You can tell?”

“Totally,” Costia said. “And you’re right. It’s kind of cool. Not what I expected.”

“Yeah, it’s weird.”

“Nothing you do is weird, Clarke.”

It was a comment Clarke would have preferred to laugh off, but the intent in Costia’s voice was too much to dismiss.

“Costia,” she said, looking her friend in the eye. “Let’s not do this, okay? I’m still pretty high.”

Costia took a slow breath and stepped away, and Clarke was sure if the move was meant to put distance between them or give her better close-up view. “You say that like anything will change once your sober again.”

“It won’t,” Clarke agreed. “I know that’s not what you’d prefer, but it’s my answer.”

“Because of Derrick?” she asked.

“Yes,” Clarke agreed. “Partly. You’re planning on marrying him.”

“But that’s later,” she said, reaching out to touch Clarke’s cheek. “If it happens at all.”

“Then break up with him,” Clarke said with a little more venom than she thought she was capable of feeling under the influence. “You act like us not being a thing is on me, but I told you the exact same thing a year and a half ago. I don’t cheat _on_ people, and I don’t cheat _with_ people.”

Costia’s thumb moved lightly over Clarke’s cheek. “We’ve just wasted so much time.”

“Again, not my fault. And now there’s basically two months before you graduate, so what’s the point when we both know how it ends? I’m not going to let you break my heart, Costia. I’m not.”

For a second Costia looked like she might cry and Clarke brought her hand up to cover Costia’s on her face for a beat before pulling it away.

“I could love you, Costia,” Clarke confessed. “And that’s why we’ve never happened. Because you could never look me in the eye and say that you wouldn’t walk away when Derrick came calling. So I’m not going to apologize to you, and I’m not going to feel bad when you act sad. I’m also not going to drop to my knees when you spread your legs in front of me or snuggle into your perfect breasts just because I’m high. So don’t even think about taking a step closer, okay?”

Crap. Costia was crying. She was trying not to show it, but there were definite tears in her eyes.

“But thank you for letting me draw you,” Clarke said, trying to move the conversation forward. “I may be mad that you never had it in you to give us a real chance, but I do love seeing you naked.”

“Well, that’s something, I guess,” Costia said with a sad smile.

For a moment, they just stood across from each other, saying nothing.

“Do you really love him?” Clarke asked. If she hadn’t been a little bit high she wouldn’t have asked…hell, she wouldn’t have said 90% of what just came out of her mouth. But she didn’t regret any of it.

Costia’s head jerked out a nod. “Before meeting you I thought he was my soulmate.”

Clarke wasn’t sure how to take that. “Not anymore?”

Costia took a deep breath, eyes dropping to the floor. “I mean, who knows, right? But the real fact of the matter is that Memphis is where I belong. I love my cousins and my family. I love life there. I want to build a life there. But every time I looked at you, I just couldn’t see it. Even if you moved there with me, my family would never accept it. It would be hell. Plus…” Her eyes shimmered with something Clarke didn’t dare put a name to. “You don’t belong there. You’re bigger than Memphis. I know you haven’t really chosen your major yet, but whatever it is, I’ll bet it takes you to a city. That’s what suits you—a big city where you go to galleries and meet new people all the time and just keep moving and evolving.” Costia took a deep breath and shook her head. “I couldn’t keep up with that, Clarke. I’ve never been able to keep up with you. I move slower and want simpler things that make you restless. If you came with me to Memphis, you'd be twitchy by the third or fourth weekend in a row of getting together for a family barbecues and playing corn hole. But that’s the predictability I like.” Costia took a breath and shook her head. “I love you, but that’s not the same as being compatible. And I guess I’ve never had any idea what to do with all our differences and all the things you make me want other than to have a little college fling with you and hold on to the memories. That’s why I never let go of Derrick. I may not feel the same for him as I do for you, but he’s the home I want to go back to.”

It was an explanation Clarke had been trying to get out of Costia for over a year…a thought process Costia had hidden under uncomfortable flirting and lewd propositions that had ultimately built walls between them. Hearing Costia laying everything out on the table was a relief, but Clarke realized it wasn't breaking down any of the walls. Clarke liked those right where they were. They’d been built for the best, because Costia was right. Even if they did hook up, they weren’t compatible. Maybe Clarke would end up in a big city like Costia imagined, maybe she wouldn’t, but she and Costia definitely had different life plans.

With Costia, Clarke _would_ be restless. She’d feel trapped and insecure as to whether or not she would come home one day only to find that Costia’s family had “gotten through” to her and that she’d picked up and moved back home.

They just weren’t meant to work…and that was okay. They could still be friends. Luckily, nothing had happened between them to prevent that.

“I want to hug you right now, but you’re naked,” Clarke confessed. “We both know Cuddle Slut is a sucker for people who are being vulnerable.”

Costia grinned. “I know.” Then her smile fell. “I know you, Clarke.”

“I know you, too,” Clarke said. “And I care, Costia. I care a lot, but it was just never right for us, and I’m cool with that. Are you?”

“I think I’m getting there, yeah.”

“Good,” Clarke said. “Because you’re right. I wouldn’t fit in very well in Memphis surrounded by a homophobic family. I’d screw that dynamic right up and you’d just end up cheating on me with Derrick.”

“Probably,” Costia confessed with a little laugh.

“So, let’s not do that to each other, okay?” Clarke said, holding out her pinky. “Let’s not ever do that.”

Costia linked pinkies with Clarke and squeezed. “Deal. Friends to the end, though?”

“Friends to the end,” Clarke agreed just as the bedroom door opened to the side of them and Raven burst through.

“I’m just here to—oh,” she said, looking between them. “Am I interrupting some pact here? Should we all be naked?”

Clarke smiled. “Costia’s the only one who’s naked, Rae.” It was then she caught sight of Lexa behind Raven, her eyes wide as she tried not to look at Costia.

“Lexa just gave you two five minutes,” Raven explained. “That was ten minutes ago.”

“We’re good,” Clarke said, waiting for a nod from Costia. “I’m good to go.”

“Yeah, we’re good,” Costia said, her voice heavy with double meaning. “Catch you tomorrow, Clarke.”

“See you tomorrow, beautiful.”

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddle Sluts and Tattoos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter comes with a *TRIGGER WARNING*. If you want to check it out before reading the chapter, scroll down to the end notes.

Lexa felt like the child between two fighting parents.

“We don’t need a ride home, Rae,” Clarke whined from the back seat. “Lexa and I could have totally walked.”

Raven turned and trained a serious look on Lexa from the driver’s seat. “Behold, the cries of the Cuddle Slut.”

“Oh my gosh, Rae. Stop being so dramatic. I promise that the Cuddle Slut is not in control right now, or Costia and I would have not been vertical when you found us.”

“Rule 1 of dealing with the Cuddle Slut, Lexa,” Raven said with authority as she drove. “The Cuddle Slut will always deny that Cuddle Slut is in play. She is the adder beneath the rose bush we call Clarke.”

Lexa glanced back to Clarke in the back seat. She looked normal. Maybe a bit grumpy, but normal. “She doesn’t look—”

“Rule 2,” Raven said over her. “If Clarke is high, the Cuddle Slut is _always_ in play. A little less so if she’s drinking. Then she’s just a lowkey cuddler. But if she’s high, you are not safe.” Raven glanced her way. “Do you understand?”

“I…guess,” Lexa said, sending Clarke another confused look. Clarke simply rolled her eyes as Raven glanced at her in the rearview mirror.

“Are you still high, Clarke?”

“A little,” Clarke confessed. “I’m coming down, though.”

“Then do you agree that the only responsible thing to do is inform your roommate of the rest of the rules of handling the Cuddle Slut since she’s going to be forced to sleep in the same room as you tonight?”

“Yes,” Clarke bit out.

“Very well,” Raven said, pulling into the parking lot in front of their dorm and putting the car in park. “Rule 3: _never,_ and I mean _never,_ let the Cuddle Slut touch you while she is under the influence, Lexa. She will always find a reason and you need to bat her hands away—unless you want to end up like Octavia and end up having Clarke feel up your boobs on a thirty-minute motorcycle ride.”

“Mmm. Octavia. So smol,” Clarke muttered from the back seat and Raven pointed at her triumphantly.

“You hear that? That’s the cooing of the Cuddle Slut. She is not to be touched, not to be indulged, and not to be coddled. Do you understand, Lexa? Clarke barely keeps her cuddling tendencies under control when sober, so if she’s under the influence of _anything_ , you need to be on your guard.”

“Holy cow, Rae. I won’t do anything to Lexa,” Clarke said, reaching for the door handle. 

“And she’s right back into denial, as you can see,” Raven said wisely.

When Clarke let out an annoyed grunt before climbing out of the car and slamming the door shut behind her, Lexa offered Raven a weak smile. “I think we’ll be fine.”

Raven arched a skeptical brow. “Until she sees you in your new pajamas.”

Part of Lexa’s heart picked up at the thought, but she quickly got her thoughts under control. “I’ll be careful.”

She started to reach for the handle, only to have Raven rest her hand on her leg to get her attention. 

“One last rule to remember for the night: Cuddle Slut doesn’t care if you’re asleep. I honestly do think she’s coming down from the high, and you probably won’t have to worry about it, but it’s not impossible that she will climb into your bed and let her hands go wherever the hell they want. She’ll remember it all in the morning and be mortified, but she’ll do it. So do both of you a favor and stop her. I don’t want you to start avoiding us again because things get awkward between you and Clarke.”

Lexa nodded. “I get it. I’ll be careful.”

“Okay, then,” Raven said, removing her hand. “Because if Clarke makes things weird with you, the rest of us are going to be pissed. We like you.”

Even though Raven said the words casually, they still hit Lexa with the intensity of a bonfire. They just weren't words she was used to hearing. “Thanks. I like you guys, too.”

“Good. Now get out my car and make sure your roommate isn’t fondling anyone in the lobby.”

Lexa’s eyebrows shot up.

“Rule 5, Cuddle Slut doesn’t care who the hell she’s cuddling with, only that they’re a warm body. Add that to her putting her hands wherever the hell she feels like it, and I think you can understand why we take precautions whenever Cuddle Slut might be in play.”

Lexa understood the issue now, and in a flash her door was open and her backpack slung over her shoulder. “Thanks for the primer.”

“You’re welcome. Now go take care of our girl.”

Lexa nodded, shutting the car door behind her and jogging up to the dorms. Clarke was nowhere in sight. She ran up the stairs to their level and found Clarke sitting by the door. Lexa approached her cautiously.

“Don’t you have your key?”

“Hmm?” Clarke said, her expression the model of innocence. “Oh, yeah. I just thought I’d wait for you.”

Lexa walked up to their door. “Why?”

“It seemed like a good place to think.”

“About?” Lexa said, unlocking the door.

“Costia,” Clarke said, surprising Lexa as she opened the door to let them in.

“Costia?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said, not getting up. “I really was on good behavior with her. I only drew. We didn’t cuddle once.”

“That’s good,” Lexa said.

“Yeah,” Clarke agreed. “It was good.” 

Lexa pelt a ping of jealousy as she recalled the way the two girls had been staring at each other when Raven’s had opened Costia’s door. They’d looked like they were a breath away from kissing, and Costia…holy shit. Costia. The girl was perfection—literal perfection—in the nude. No wonder Clarke wanted to draw her. And she had. Clarke had spent more than two hours staring at that body, drawing who knew what.

How was it possible that they hadn’t kissed? That they hadn’t touched? That Clarke hadn’t wanted…

Lexa tried to chase those images away from her mind by offering Clarke a hand up from her spot in the hall. “C’mon, let’s get you in here so people don’t think you’re locked out.”

Clarke only smiled at Lexa’s extended hand and smirked. 

“Rule 3: Never let Cuddle Slut touch you while she’s under the influence,” she said before standing up on her own. “Free lesson. I’ll do shit like sit on the floor to draw people in. You need to be smarter than to offer me a hand up. That’s my in. And once I’m in…” She tripped over absolutely nothing, latching into a hug against Lexa to stop herself from falling. Then she looked up and smirked, her voice soft and husky as her hands drifted south down Lexa's back. “I’m in.”

The feel of Clarke flush against her and holding tight had Lexa clutching the blonde back for a moment. She must have looked like a deer in headlights as she did it though, because Clarke took pity on her and stepped back.

“That’s a free lesson because I’m actually pretty sober right now. But Rae is right. Cuddle Slut is not to be trifled with.”

Lexa’s body felt cool where Clarke’s body had just been and she fought to keep her voice normal as she replied.  “That’s good to know.”

Clarke only smiled before pointing toward the bathroom. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a tampon that needs to be traded out.”

“Of course,” Lexa stammered, waiting until Clarke disappeared behind the door to allow herself a small freak out moment. She took several breaths, rolling her neck and shoulders, before deciding it was a good time to change. She could change and be in bed before Clarke even got out of the bathroom. Then Clarke would stay on her side of the room and Lexa would stay on hers, and all would be right in the world.

It almost worked, too.

Lexa was in her briefs and tank and half way to her bed when Clarke stepped out of the bathroom.

“Hot damn,” Clarke’s voice sounded out from behind her. “You didn’t include this ensemble in the fashion show.”

Deciding it was too late to hide under the covers, Lexa straightened and faced her roommate. “They’re just pajamas.”

“Fucking hot ones,” Clarke said, her eyes locking in on the boxer briefs—indigo with white trim. “Damn, Lexa. You’re really lucky the Cuddle Slut is being tampon-blocked right now.”

Lexa had no idea what to say to that. There didn’t seem to be a right thing to say. She wasn’t like Clarke and her friends. She didn’t know how to joke about things like this…not yet.

Then suddenly Clarke was walking toward her, the flirtatiousness gone from her eyes. “Wait. Your tattoos…”

Clarke’s hand reached out to touch one of the spots, but Lexa batted it away. “Rule 3—”

“Cuddle Slut will always find an excuse to touch,” Clarke finished for her. “You’re catching on quick, but I’m being serious here. Your tattoos…”

Lexa pulled away. “They’re nothing.”

“They’re names,” Clarke said, a little in awe. “They look like spots with random patterns inside, but the patterns are names.”

Lexa’s first response was to panic. To run. To get away from Clarke’s knowing eyes. But when she looked at Clarke to tell her she was stupid and to mind her own business, the eyes that looked back at her were not those of a playful Cuddle Slut. They were eyes Lexa couldn’t help but trust.

“Whose names are they?” Clarke asked.

Lexa didn’t want to answer. She’d never told anyone before. No one knew but Anya and their tattoo artist. But as the seconds passed with Clarke not looking away, Lexa found herself speaking the truth. “They’re kids. Like me. Ones I’ve been in homes or schools with who didn’t make it.”

Clarke’s eyes dropped down to her shoulder again, and Lexa could almost feel her roommate trying to count all the spots. “Lexa, that’s a lot of kids.”

“I know.”

“And they’re all…”

“Dead?” Lexa finished. “Yeah.”

“Oh my god,” Clarke breathed. “That’s…well, I don’t even know if there’s a word for that. Tragic?” She shook her head. “Even that feels weak.”

“It is what it is,” Lexa said flatly then fought not to retreat as Clarke stepped forward.

“How far does it go down your back?”

“Far enough,” Lexa said before holding up her hand to stop Clarke. “Don’t get any closer, okay? This isn’t a Cuddle Slut thing. It’s a me thing.”

Clarke stayed where she was and swallowed. “I’m so sorry, Lexa.”

Nuh-uh. Lexa wasn’t going to let Clarke’s empathic eyes suck her in. Not this time. “It’s not anything you have control over, Clarke. Kids die every day. The only difference is that I happened to know these ones. And we just have a pact that even if no one else remembers us, we’ll all remember each other. Anya and I do it through tattoos. Others do other things.”

“Anya?” Clarke said, latching onto the name and Lexa mentally hit herself. 

Dammit. Saying Anya’s name had been a stupid slip. Now Clarke would have more questions. Lexa was bracing herself to shut them down when Clarke pointed to a spot on her deltoid. “Is that why you have a hole in the middle of your spots there? Because Anya reserved that prime piece of real estate because you’re close?”

How in the world had Clarke ever guessed that? There was no way in a hundred years Lexa would have told Clarke that, but when Clarke asked point-blank, Lexa couldn’t deny it. She couldn’t confirm it either, but the look on her face must have been all the confirmation Clarke needed.

“I think that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” Clarke whispered. “I hope, for your sake, that spot always stays empty.”

Lexa hadn’t been expecting that, which meant the clench of emotion in her chest caught her off guard. She did her best to tamp it back and put her stoic front back on. “I’ll do everything I can to make sure Anya’s okay. But as you can see from looking at my shoulder, I’m very aware that there are no guarantees in life.”

God, was Clarke crying? Why the fuck was she crying? How in the world was Lexa supposed to hold it together if Clarke was standing there giving her permission to fall apart? 

“It’s fine, Clarke. I’m used to it.”

Clarke shook her head. “No, Lexa. There are some things nobody can get used to. Trust me. My mom’s a doctor. She’s seen thousands die, and she still loses it from time to time with certain patients.”

For several seconds, the room was silent and Lexa had no idea what to say. She’d already said too much. Way too much. It was those damn eyes of Clarke’s. She just looked at you like if you fell off a building she would catch you. Then she did. Every time Lexa leaned in a little bit more, Clarke was there to catch her and it was fucking with her mind.

“I won’t tell anyone,” Clarke said, breaking the silence between them. “I promise. Raven might be the only other one who sees the design you’ve put into each spot, but if you just give her a quick shake of your head, she won’t say a word or be pushy like I just was, okay?”

Lexa nodded, grateful for the insight. “Okay.”

Silence again. 

“Can I ask one more question?” Clarke said, her blue eyes so incredibly heartfelt that Lexa could only respond with the same answer she always gave Clarke.

“Yes.”

“How do they die? I mean, they must all be so young, and there’s so many. Is it drugs?”

“Sometimes,” Lexa admitted, recalling so many of the faces she’d once called friend. “But probably not how you’re thinking. Some are killed and some OD, but a lot of it is suicide, too. A lot of them use drugs already as an escape, so when they decide they’re done a lot of them will choose overdosing just because it seems like the nicest way to go.”

“But...why?” Clarke pressed.

“Why does anyone choose to end it all?” Lexa said with a shrug. “When it comes to throwaway kids, a lot of us have been sexually abused ever since they can remember. Abandoned. Used. Muled. Bartered. Filmed. Photographed. Sold. Sold again. Then one day they wake up pregnant or with an STD that they have no ability to treat and they literally can’t come up with a reason to keep going. Without hope and without goals, they’re literally just a fuck toy for the world to use and toss to the side when they’re done. Other than that, no one sees or hears them, and what’s the point, right? If that’s all you see for the rest of your life until you're used to death, why not drop ten more dollars on your usual heroine hit and just say goodbye to it all?”

“Lexa…that’s horrible.”

“It is,” she agreed, hating that she was letting herself tell Clarke all of this. Clarke would treat her different now, and that was the last thing she wanted. She wanted Clarke to rub off on her, not vice-versa. Yet, for some stupid reason, she just couldn't stop talking. “But it plays out every day. It’s playing out right now while you and I stand here talking, and that’s just how the world is. If I make it through college, maybe I can make a difference. Maybe not. But the point is that I have to try—even if my efforts only impact the lives of a few. The one thing I’ve learned from the spots on my arm is that giving up is just a big fucking waste of potential. A lot of these kids were amazing and talented, but that’s gone now. We can all make a difference. We just have to try. And that’s why I’m here and not in a grave. Because I have to try.”

For several moments, Clarke just looked at her. “I really, desperately need to give you a hug right now.”

Lexa tried for a smile. “And that’s not Cuddle Slut talking?”

“Definitely not the Cuddle Slut,” Clarke breathed and Lexa believed her.

“Okay. If it will make you feel better.”

Clarke was locked around her before she even got the sentence out, holding on as if her life depended on it. “I am so sorry, Lexa. So sorry! And I'm so fucking glad you're here.”

“It’s okay,” Lexa said, resting her hand on Clarke’s back. “We all play the cards we are dealt.”

“Yeah, but you’ve had some seriously sucky cards.”

Lexa actually chuckled at that. “Don’t you know, Clarke? It’s not the cards your dealt but the way you play them that wins the game.”

Against her, Clarke laughed. “That sounds like a penis metaphor.”

“Luckily that’s a card I don’t have to play with,” Lexa joked, then let herself enjoy the sensation of being held by someone who genuinely cared a few more seconds before stepping away and getting things back on track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* This chapter discusses suicide, which is a theme that will pop up several times before the end of this fic. If you are triggered by the discussion of suicide or the acknowledgment of successful suicide, you may want to approach this fic with caution.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big Os, Little O, and Capoeira...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not post for a little bit, and didn't want to leave you on a heavy note, so here's this. Just for you.
> 
> As always, hope you likey :)

“Yum,” O said, looking at the group of guys standing in a circle in the large warehouse space. “How did I not know this was a thing?”

The local farmer’s market was held indoor during winter and spring and outdoor during winter and fall. Outside, sloppy March rain saturated everything, but the vendors inside were safe from the weather as they peddled their wares. People walked around with canvas bags, buying local and organic while Lexa sat at the edge of the room with O and removed her shoes.

“It’s a pretty cool setup,” Lexa said. “The local Capoeira school uses it to advertise by practicing in one of the booth spaces during the market. They’re usually here for three or four hours.”

“And you just join them?” O asked. “They let you?”

“Well, I had to learn the basics first,” Lexa admitted. “They’re not teaching actual classes here, but they’ll let me tap in as long as I don't screw up their flow too much. They just think I’m from out of the area.”

“Even though you’re here every week?”

Lexa shrugged. “They’re guys. They don’t think too hard.”

O let out a hum of approval. “Yes. They. Are. And might I say that I find it so refreshing that all the ones with their shirts off have six packs, while all the ones who don’t have flat abs going yet are keeping their shirts on until they can make the big reveal at a later date. Seriously so hot.”

“I guess,” Lexa said, tucking her socks into her shoes.

“Oh, c’mon! You have to see it,” O balked. “They’re totally hot.”

“Oh, I see it,” Lexa said. “I think I just process it differently.”

O eyed her suspiciously. “I have to admit, that I just don’t get it…being Kinsey 6 gay. Bisexuality I totally get. I get wanting to have your cock and eat snatch too, but—” she looked over at the guys Lexa was about to join—“to just write men off all together? I totally don’t get that. How can you be a girl and not want to ride that? Or have that ride you?”

Lexa looked over at the sweaty guys and tried to find the words.

“Like, have you ever kissed a guy?” O pressed.

Lexa shook her head.

“So you’ve never slept with one?”

“No,” Lexa said.

“See? Then how do you know?” she asked. “I know that’s like the most naïve question ever—and if Raven were here, she’d insist that I must now register as a Republican for asking it—but I seriously don’t get it. I mean, have you seen Lincoln? My brain literally can’t wrap itself around the fact that you wouldn’t tap that if you had the chance.”

Lexa shook her head. “I won’t be tapping that. I promise.”

O stared at her for a moment. “See? That does not compute. Sorry if I sound like a Luddite when I say that, but…yeah. Just trying to understand.”

Lexa arched a brow. “Luddite?”

O shrugged. “Rae calls people that a lot. I’m not exactly sure what it means, but it sounded right while I was talking.”

Lexa smiled at the girl’s honesty. Clarke’s friend circle might be on the extreme side in their behaviors, but there was something refreshing about how honest they all were. Lexa was used to being locked down and silent, but something about being around her four new friends had her more chatty. A _lot_ more chatty. 

“Fair enough,” Lexa said, looking at the guys and considering O’s question.

“Don’t you just want to lick those abs?” O asked softly as she eyed the guys again.

“I want to _have_ those abs,” Lexa admitted. “That’s why I started Capoeira. I love the athleticism.” She tapped her hand against her quads. “Thighs of steel.”

“And ass,” O added, dropping a pointed look at Lexa’s behind. “That’s why I was interested in trying it, actually. I have the ass of a small boy. I mean, I don’t mind being tiny, but some curves wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. And if Capoeira is how you got your ass, then I’m all in.”

Lexa nodded. “I’ll introduce you to the instructors before we leave.”

“And we’ll take classes together?”

“Well…” Lexa hedged. “Like I said, I watch tutorials on YouTube and then come here to practice. I can’t really afford classes. They’re like $120 per month.”

O stared at her for a moment. “You mean, you’re as good as you are and you’ve never taken a class?”

“Well, it’s not like I learned in a vacuum,” Lexa said quickly. “I’ve been learning some sort of martial art since I was eight. There was this guy who taught self defense at the YWCA. He taught Aikido full time, and after a while he offered me free classes if I helped him teach. When I got older I did other styles too, so I knew a lot coming into Capoeira. I just didn’t have a chance to try it until coming here.”

“So you taught yourself,” O finished.

Lexa shrugged. “I guess.”

“Seriously so badass,” O said, shaking her head before straightening. “Wait! That means you can teach me.”

“I guess…”

“Your phone is $40 per month, which means one month of teaching me Capoeira is three months of phone use.”

“No,” Lexa said. “It’s not like that. I’m not qualified to teach you at that rate.”

“Uh-huh,” O drawled. “And tell me, how many black belts do you have?”

Lexa hesitated. “Four.”

“Yeaaaaah, pretty sure you’re qualified to teach me at full rate.”

Lexa shook her head. “It’s not a fair trade.”

“It’s totally fair,” O said. “If anything, I should be paying you more private lessons.”

“I’ll teach you for free, O,” Lexa said, doing her best to stare the girl down. “You don’t need to pay for my phone.”

The girl didn’t flinch. “You’ll teach me Capoeira and help me get a spankable ass. In return, I will pay for your phone. If you ask me, I’m totally getting the better end of that deal.”

What was it with Clarke’s friends and their ability to talk themselves past Lexa’s guard? She totally didn’t understand it.

“So don’t introduce me as a potential student today,” O said. “Just go do your thing and I’ll watch and try to pick up what I can.”

Lexa let out a resigned sigh and started to stand. “Fine. You win.”

“Excellent. But first,” O said, gripping her arm and tugging her back down with an earnest look on her face. “Seriously? You wouldn’t do Lincoln?”

“Seriously. I wouldn’t do Lincoln.”

O’s nose wrinkled. “You’re not even tempted to try?”

“Not even tempted.”

“Howwwwwwww?” O practically howled. “Again, sorry to be a Luddite, but how? Trust me, I feel more stupid asking than you answering, but no one’s ever like straight-up answered this question for me.”

Lexa chewed her lip, not offended at all, but also not sure what to say. “Do you consider yourself straight or bi?”

“Basically straight,” O confessed. “I mean, I get that playing around with girls can feel good and stuff, but at the end of the day, dick wins.”

Lexa felt herself gag a little at O’s phrasing, but it did help her choose her answer a bit. “I guess men are like one of those desserts that are really pretty but totally flavorless to me. Like, you look at it and can see why everyone else might buy it, but you know if you take a bite it’s just going to taste like sawdust, so what’s the point?”

“But you haven’t taken a bite,” O pointed out. “So how do you know?”

“I…just do,” Lexa said. “You don’t have to fuck or kiss a guy to know how you feel when his hands are on you. And while my eyes can appreciate someone like Lincoln, the rest of my senses reject him romantically, if that makes sense. He sounds wrong. He smells wrong. He feels wrong. And even though I haven’t tasted him, my instinct knows that he would taste wrong too. So, yeah, he’s like a really pretty dessert that turns into sawdust in my mouth. Does that make sense?”

“I…guess,” O said nodding. “I mean, that makes more sense than you literally not being able to see how blindingly hot he is.”

Lexa shrugged. “Panthers are pretty too, and I don’t want to fuck a panther.”

“Touché,” O laughed. “I can roll with that. Lincoln is a fucking sexy panther that you don’t want to fuck.”

“Exactly,” Lexa said, loving how easily O accepted the explanation. No dirty looks. No fear or judgment. Just honest curiosity followed by honest acceptance. God, that felt good.

“I guess I get that” O said, still processing. “I mean, about 80% of guys look like sawdust desserts to me, too, and probably 99% of girls.”

That left 1%, Lexa couldn’t help but note, and she had to follow up on that. “So you actually want to…eat 1% of girls?” 

“Very few,” O admitted through a narrow look. “I mean, I’d probably make out with any number of girls if it turned my man on, but to just go one-on-one? Yeah, that’s a very short list.”

Lexa wiggled her eyebrows. “Any girls I know?”

O’s lips purse. “Well, well, well…don’t you like to venture into dangerous territory?”

“From time to time,” Lexa admitted, thinking of how close O and Raven were. There had to be something there. “But seriously, anyone I know?”

“Hmmmm,” O said, studying her. “I’m trying to decide if I trust you enough to disclose something like that.”

“I’m the steel vault for secrets,” Lexa promised, slightly offended when O shook her head.

“No. That’s Clarke. She’s the one you tell if you have to get something out without it _getting_ out, if you know what I mean. The rest of us will blab under the right circumstances, but I haven’t known you long enough to know what you do with a secret.”

The mention of Clarke had Lexa feeling off balance for a moment as she realized that she wasn’t the only one who trusted her roommate. Her friends did too. It made Lexa feel less special, but there was something cool about that. Clarke had people's backs in general, and there was something cool about that.

“You can trust me…if you want to, O.”

O nodded. “I know.”

Then Lexa smirked, recalling what Raven had told her while outlining the rules surrounding handling the Cuddle Slut. “Although, I have to admit that I already know one girl who has turned you on one-on-one.”

O’s eyebrow shot up in surprise before she fought for a poker face. “No, you don’t.”

“I do,” Lexa said slyly. “A certain Cuddle Slut you gave a ride home to one night.”

O’s mouth fell open. “Who told you? Wait, no…don’t tell me. Raven, right? That whore.”

Whore? That seemed harsh, but Lexa let the insult go and stayed on topic. “Is it true? Did Clarke feel you up for thirty minutes?”

O frowned, which was as much of a confirmation as Lexa needed.

“And did it feel good?” Lexa asked, wiggling her eyebrows. “Was it a cardboard dessert, or did you like it?”

O let out a huff. “You have no idea what it’s like to have someone going to town on your boobs while a motorcycle is humming away between your legs.”

“You’re right,” Lexa said, daring herself to channel Raven and put a playful smirk on her face as she asked the obvious question. It was totally brash and absolutely rude, but wasn't that the status quo with these girls? “I don't, but I can imagine. Did you come?”

O’s mouth fell open in shock, but it was the blush that rose into her cheeks that gave her away. O was capable of blushing? Lexa hadn’t known the girl had it in her.

“You did!” Lexa laughed. “Oh my god. Cuddle Slut got you to come while you were giving her a ride home.” Lexa expected to feel some jealousy at the realization, but something about the whole situation just left her feeling amused.

O hid her face in her hands for a moment before looking up again. “Fine, Little Miss Nosy. Sure. That night was my first—and only, mind you—girl orgasm. Although, I’m not going to lie, that motorcycle helped out _a lot._ ”

Lexa knew she was smiling from ear to ear, but she couldn’t help it. “Uh-huh, O. Keep telling yourself that.”

“Shut up,” O grumbled. “And no telling, by the way. No one knows. Not even Clarke, and I want to keep it that way. So you’d _really_ better be a damn steel vault for secrets, because this girl totally knows how to get revenge when betrayed. Capeesh?”

“Capeesh,” Lexa said, still smiling.

God, this felt good…talking like this. Connecting like this.

“So quid pro quo, Miss Nosy,” O said. “I need dirt on you. How many chicks have you been with?”

Lexa’s smile faded and she felt some of her walls go back up. Dammit. They’d been doing so well. “None.”

O blinked in surprise. “You mean you’re an all-around virgin?”

Lexa thought Clarke would have told everyone that. “Yeah.”

“Unbelievable,” O said. “You’re so fucking hot. How have you avoided sex this long?”

Lexa took a slow breath, choosing her words wisely.

“I think being gay helped, honestly,” she said. “I was pretty forceful about men not touching me from an early age, and as I got older it was just easy to keep sex out of the picture altogether. From what I could tell, all it did was screw things up and make people crazy, so why go there, right?”

“That makes a weird sort of sense.”

Lexa nodded. “Yeah. And if you would have asked me about sex two years ago, I would have sworn I knew all there was to know about sex, and that I was just fine dying a virgin.”

O’s nose wrinkled. “Ouch. Eighteen-year-old you sounds super jaded.”

“I was,” Lexa agreed.

“So what changed?”

Lexa thought of the past year and a half…her freshman roommate and her nauseatingly devoted boyfriend. She thought of all the snuggling couples on campus and the looks they shared that Lexa had never seen before. She thought of the first day Clarke moved into her dorm after the summer semester ended last year, and her bright smile and friendly handshake. She remembered how Clarke’s mom had inspected everything in the dorm, making sure Clarke had everything she needed and making a quick last-minute shopping trip before she left, grabbing several things for Clarke and a new messenger bag for Lexa…the one she still used. Her old one had been thread bare with holes that allowed things like pens to slip through.

Lexa had tried to refuse the gift, of course. But Clarke’s mom had dismissed her offer to give it back, pressed a kiss to her daughter’s cheek and disappeared. When Lexa tried to give the bag back to Clarke, all her roommate had done was show her that she already had a bag. She didn’t need two, so taking the bag back was just silly.

That day something had shifted in Lexa. She still wasn’t sure what it was, but there was something about Clarke’s easy smile and casual touches that had sparked through her system in a way that made her heart pound…in a way that made her want something she'd always told herself didn't really exist.

It had terrified her. Haunted her. For seven months she’d spent every day feeling like a volcano trying to force itself not to erupt even though the lava beneath the surface was begging to push through. She’d developed ulcers and started grinding her teeth and she’d done everything in her power to be in places where Clarke’s eyes wouldn’t see her and her presence couldn’t taunt her.

After all, what was the point? Clarke had a boyfriend, Finn. Lexa wasn’t exactly sure how their relationship worked. They weren’t gushy and in each other’s faces like Lexa’s freshman roommate had been with her boyfriend, but there was definitely something consistent between them. And definitely sex. Clarke liked guys, and didn't that fact alone answer all of Lexa's questions about whether or not Clarke might ever see her the same way? Why torture herself by being around Clarke, and having all the things the girl did so casually send shock waves through all of the coping mechanisms Lexa used to survive?

It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t.

At least she’d been able to tell herself that for seven months.

Then she’d gotten high and fucked that whole plan up.

Yet now, sitting across from O, Lexa was feeling more and more confident that it was a fuck up she could live with.

“Lexa?” O said, snapping her out her thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I was kidding about the quid pro quo thing.”

“It’s okay,” Lexa said, smiling at her new friend. Because that’s what O was. A friend. “I guess the thing that changed is people like you…people who challenged what I thought I knew about relationships and sex. Not gonna lie, I’m still pretty jaded, but I think part of me actually wants to hope for something better after two years of seeing that things don’t have to be how they were when I was growing up. And if things really, truly can be different and there really is someone out there for me, then hell yeah, I want to get laid before I die.”

O threw her head back and laughed. “Well, then, let’s get you on that bandwagon. Because—and this is coming from a straight girl—I think you’d be an amazing fuck, Lex.”

“Thanks, O,” Lexa said, unable to hide a pleased smile as she stood. “Now let’s go fight some boys.”

“Hell, yeah,” O said, and followed her over to the Capoeira circle.


	19. A QUESTION FOR YOU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a poll

Hi there!

So this is not a chapter, but a question.

 **Preamble to the question:** As mentioned in the beginning of this fic, I'm new to this whole fanfic world. Never written one and never really read any until after the event known as 307. I started writing this because the story was in my mind and I thought it was cool enough to try to write.

But I think I made one pretty big miscalculation in that it's a story where the payday (a.k.a. "endgame") doesn't come for quite a while and there's not a straight path getting there. 

Reading many of the comments, what's coming up is not a ride that will be fun for a lot of you, especially considering the fact that these chapters are posted unpredictably and you can't just read it through until you get to a happy stopping point, like a book. 

So that's what I consider my miscalculation in all this. This is kind of like a book that's going to ask you to wait to long for what a lot of you probably want in chapter 1.

What should I do about that? The story is what it is. I like it and I don't want to change it, but I'm also seeing that it's not built like a fanfic. It's built like a novel.

So...

 

**Question: How would you like me to finish this out?**

  1. Write the long-ass book out over time, even if that means having breaks after parts that are annoying to stop at as readers?
  2. Write a shorter version that gets to the end quicker, but drops scenes and some character development?
  3. Scrap this story for a while and start on another one that's actually written more like a fanfic?



 

Those are the 3 choices I see, and I'll put the decision in your hands. Again, I like the story in my brain in the 'verse too much to change it, but I could put it on hold and start writing something else.

Your call. Let me know, and when I have time to write again, I'll go with the popular vote. How about that?

 

Hope life is treating you right!!! <3

 

**FOLLOW UP**

I honestly thought responses to this question would be much more of a mixed bag, based on messages and some feedback I've been receiving. But votes seem pretty unanimous.

Truth be told, I'm glad you're all up for Option 1. Me, too. It's just that since we're all here for fun, so I wanted to make sure I was keeping it fun. If it's not fun for you to read, then it becomes less fun to write and we all know where that leads. 

So I hope you're ready for a ride, because I'm going to do my best to deliver one (as my day job allows).

Thanks to all those who took the time to respond. Every vote matters, and I really appreciate the feedback. I am listening, although I do have to say that the story itself is pretty locked in my mind, so I really don't cater to any plot/character action requests. I know some writers here do, but I have about as much say in how this story plays out as you do. The only difference is that I'm typing it. ;)

 

Thanks again for your feedback, and I'll catch you all at the next update.

Hugs.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not a party without a game plan.

**Kissing Queen:**

Okay, all. We need to talk plans for tonight. 

Epic party at Blow Me’s house. 

We doing DD or Uber?

Vote now.

 

**Little O:**

uber

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

Uber

 

**Sugar Tits:**

Uber

 

**Badass:**

Wait. I thought my name was Newton.

 

**Little O:**

that was before I saw u butterfly kick a guy 

in the head 

u’re officially BADASS

 

**Badass:**

I think I like Newton better.

 

**Kissing Queen:**

I approved Badass as an interim nickname until 

a better name presents itself. For now it fits.

But back to tonight.

Badass, you good with Uber? 

 

**Badass:**

I’ve never actually used it.

 

**Little O:**

1 of us can order her 1 or she can just ride w 1 of us

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Sounds good.

Next item of business:

Who’s heading home after the party and who’s open 

to heading home with someone? 

Consent now, or be cock blocked tonight.

 

**Sugar Tits:**

Whoa, KQ. Your heteronormativity is showing. 

Remember, we have a Kinsey 6 among us now.

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Valid point.

Snatch blocked?

Consent now, or be snatch blocked tonight?

Does that pass the PC police test?

 

**Sugar Tits:**

The PC police is appeased.

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Great. Then back to roll call.

Who’s planning on having their slot filled tonight?

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

I’m good to go home w/ Finn. It’s been like 2+ weeks 

for us, so it’s past time to give the headboard a bang.

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Copy that.

 

**Little O:**

a BIG fuck yea 2 me leaving w Lincoln

if any of u cock block me w him I will insert ur bra 

into ur body like a tampon

 

**Sugar Tits:**

Hmm. I might just be into that.

 

**Little O:**

gross

u would b

wut abt u Sugar Slit 

got ur eye on any1?

 

**Sugar Tits:**

Regular rules. Don’t let me leave with a guy. A girl is fine.

 

**Little O:**

yeah wouldn’t want 2 cheat on derrick now would we?

 

**Kissing Queen:**

*blows ref whistle*

Unsportsmanlike conduct!

 

**Little O:**

wutever.

how about u, KQ 

eye on any1?

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Whatever happens, I WILL head home at the end 

of the night. My Uber should take me to my home 

address and nowhere else. 

How about you, Badass? Anyone you want to go 

home with?

 

**Badass:**

If Clarke is going home with Finn, 

maybe I should sit this party out.

 

**Little O:**

hell no! we’ve never seen u drunk 

rite of passage babe 

u’re coming n so getting drunk tonight

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

Unless she doesn’t want to, O. She doesn’t have to.

 

**Badass:**

I’m not really a drinker.

And one of us should stay sober.

 

**Sugar Tits:**

We already opted for no DD, so drink up.

Plus (you don’t know this yet, Badass) Raven’s 

super power is that she can’t get drunk. 

Not really. 

She’ll always be watching your back.

 

**Badass:**

Raven seems to have a lot of super powers.

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Of course.

Because science.

But can we stay on topic?

No DD is required, so the question here is whether 

or not you want us to allow you to go home with 

someone tonight, Badass?

 

**Badass:**

No

 

**Kissing Queen:**

So noted. 

So this is the current consent list:

* Cuddle Slut may leave with Finn or one of us. 

* Little O may leave with Lincoln or one of us.

* Sugar Tits may leave with a female or one of us.

* Badass leaves ONLY with one of us.

* I can leave with anyone so long as I am heading home.

Does this look right to everyone?

 

**Sugar Tits:**

Yes

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

Yep

 

**Badass:**

Yes.

 

**Little O:**

hell yea

 

**Kissing Queen:**

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Next item of business.

Anyone planning on getting absolutely wasted?

 

**Sugar Tits:**

ME!

Tequila or absinthe. I haven’t decided which.

 

**Little O:**

fuck

i think we can all vote tequila on that 1

 

**Sugar Tits:**

I knew you liked me horny, babe.

 

**Little O:**

better to watch u dry hump a banister than have 

u punch some1 n end the party early

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Seconded

How about Cuddle Slut? Is she going to make an 

appearance tonight?

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

I’ll go alcohol only tonight.

Cuddle Slut should not be in play.

…although…

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Yes?

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

If Finn and I going to bang, maybe a few puffs would 

be fun. It’s been a while since I’ve done a blazed bang.

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Let one of us know before you puff then, so we can 

be on guard.

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

Will do.

 

**Little O:**

i think it goes w/o saying that i’ll b wasted 2nite

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Could have guessed.

So here’s the current standings:

* Sugar Tits is going to get fucked up

* Cuddle Slut might be making an appearance

* Little O will be drinking her clothes off

* Badass will be playing it by ear

* I’ll be 420 friendly, but sober enough to play ref

We all good with that?

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

Yep

 

**Little O:**

def

 

**Sugar Tits:**

Can’t wait.

 

**Badass:**

I guess?

 

**Little O:**

r u freaking out badass?

 

**Badass:**

Kind of.

Yes.

 

**Little O:**

it’ll all make sense when u get there

u’ll b fine

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

I’ve got you covered, Lex.

I’ll be watching your back. Promise.

I won’t get stupid until I know you’re comfortable.

 

**Badass:**

K

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Last question:

Do we all want to pre-game at our place and take 

the same Uber over?

 

**Sugar Tits:**

Uh, do we even have to answer that?

Everyone be at our place at 8:30.

 

**Cuddle Slut:**

Badass & I will be there.

See you all tonight!

 

**Kissing Queen:**

Later

 

**Sugar Tits:**

Later

 

**Little O:**

out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random (or not-so-random) Note: Not all parties are fun for all people. ;)


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Clarke realizes the Cuddle Slut needs to be fed...one way or another.

Clarke had thirty minutes until she and Lexa needed to leave to meet the rest of their crew for pre-gaming, and she still didn’t know what to wear. 

She pulled on one of the few shirts she hadn’t tried on yet and glanced at Lexa in the reflection of the full-length mirror inside her closet. Her roommate was sitting on her bed, eyes on her phone, texting or something. She’d gotten home about twenty minutes ago, thrown on a new shirt, and was now patiently waiting on Clarke. 

No muss. No fuss. Just one quick change and Lexa was chill and ready.

Meanwhile, Clarke felt like she was having an identity crisis.

She blamed the phone.

Lexa had taken to her iPhone like a fish to water. It had taken her about three days to truly accept it as her own, but since then Lexa always seemed to be messaging someone or surfing Instagram or posting photos. If she wasn’t doing that, she was hanging out with Raven and Octavia. Clarke didn’t mind that…but there were quite a few pictures of Lexa with Raven and O and her volleyball team on Instagram, and a distinct lack of #roommate pictures.

Still, Lexa wasn’t avoiding her anymore, so that was good. But when they were in the same room, Lexa was less interested Clarke and more interested on whatever was on the screen of her phone. Case in point, Clarke had take off her shirt at least a dozen times since Lexa had gotten home, and Lexa hadn’t looked up once. Not a single sneak peek. Nothing.

She just kept looking at her phone.

_That’s fine,_ Clarke told herself. _It’s not like I’m the center of her world or anything. That would just be weird._

That’s what she told herself, but the truth was that the reason she kept changing was because she was waiting for an outfit to catch her roommate’s attention.

Nothing was.

Especially her current shirt, Clarke noted with a crinkle of her nose. Wow. She was really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this top. Why hadn’t she given it to Goodwill yet?

She pulled it off, glancing in the mirror to see if Lexa would take a peek at her in her bra, but her roommate was too busy typing something on her phone.

“Fuck it,” Clarke mumbled and reached for her Pink Floyd t-shirt. Everything made her look fat today, so she wasn’t even going to try. Everyone was going to be drunk anyway, so wearing something that showcased her cleavage was only asking for trouble.

Jeans. T-shirt. Hair down. 

That’s what Lexa was doing, so why not her too? Finn might like it when she dressed sexy, but Finn could just deal. It wasn’t like he would be wearing anything different.

Throwing the clothes on and finishing her don’t-give-a-shit look off with some harness boots, Clarke shut her closet and walked over to the bathroom.

“You’re wearing that?” Lexa asked from her bed.

Clarke paused and met her eyes, trying to get a read on whether Lexa liked it or not. Not that she cared. 

Okay. She totally cared. 

“Yeah.”

Lexa looked down to Clarke’s feet. “I think I’m in love with those boots.” 

“Yeah? I guess we’ll see if you get drunk enough to make out with them later.”

“It’s a possibility,” Lexa said before looking back down at her phone as Clarke escaped into the small dorm bathroom to try to get a grip on herself.

Man, let a girl hang out with Raven and Octavia for a week or two and it was amazing the changes that could take place. 

Gone was the girl who had needed to get high to tell Clarke a secret, and in her place was a girl with literally all the chill. If nothing else could be said for Lexa, she adjusted to circumstances quickly. Maybe that came from being raised in foster care and needing to adapt just to survive. Clarke didn’t know, but she was getting whiplash from the hot and cold vibes she was getting from her roommate.  

Maybe it was selfish of Clarke, but she kind of missed fish-out-of-water Lexa, who blushed and got flustered easily. 

All-the-chill Lexa left Clarke a bit frazzled.

As Clarke looked at her waist-up reflection in the bathroom mirror, she decided today was one of the days she hated her breasts. Nothing ever fit right—not even a fucking t-shirt. All boobs did was constantly make her look like she weighed ten pounds more than she actually did by throwing off the shape of clothes built for girls with A- or B-cups. 

Well, _excuse_ her for having the audacity to be a short girl with C-cups who still had a waist!

Someone needed to inform designers that people like her were a thing and that there should be a dressing option with silhouettes somewhere between slut and lampshade. 

Clarke stared at her reflection, almost forgetting why she came into the bathroom in the first place until she looked up and saw her face.

Oh, yeah. Makeup.

She got to work, going heavy on the eyes because it fit her mood.

“Question,” Lexa called out from the main room.

“Answer,” Clarke called back, still working.

“About Raven,” Lexa clarified and Clarke’s eyes dropped down to her chest again. Raven looked amazing in everything. Her body was built perfectly for everything. She would look amazing tonight no matter what she wore, but she would definitely not be wearing jeans and a band t-shirt.

Clarke should change.

“Okay,” Clarke called back before starting on her eyes again.

“What’s her deal? Romantically speaking, I mean,” Lexa asked, and Clarke’s hand stilled. “I get O, and I think I get Costia. But Raven’s a bit of a mystery, isn’t she? What is she looking for?”

A river of jealousy ran through Clarke before she looked in the mirror and made sure she looked normal before poking her head outside of the door playfully. “Raven’s bedroom is Vegas, babe,” she teased. “And what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “I’m serious.”

“I am too,” Clarke said before disappearing back into the bathroom so Lexa wouldn’t see the look on her face when she asked her next question. “Why? Do you want to go to Vegas?”

_Please say no. Please say no. Please say no._

“But Costia’s slept with her, right?” Lexa said. “Raven was her first girl. Did she have anything to say about Vegas?”

That wasn’t a no.

Clarke could only stare at the mirror at the question, memories washing over her as she searched for a flippant response. All she could manage was, “You’ll have to ask Costia.” 

Because Clarke never had.

The night Costia had spent with Raven had been one of the biggest emotional roller coasters of Clarke’s life. Costia had been a junior and Clarke a brand new freshman back then. Octavia was a year behind Clarke in school, so Clarke had been best friend-less as she navigated campus. She hadn’t met Raven yet which meant Clarke had been a bit of a loner those first few weeks. It had been Costia who had scoped Clarke out and taken her under her wing.

At first Clarke had thought that it was all friendly. 

Yes, Clarke had known she was bisexual coming into college; and yes, she’d noticed Costia was off-the-charts hot the first moment she’d laid eyes on her. But Clarke had never been in a relationship with a girl and Costia was in a relationship with Derrick. It was long distance, but it was still a relationship. So…that meant she and Costia were friends, right? 

That’s what Clarke thought, even if Costia liked to touch a lot and had a lot to say about Clarke’s body. It was just friend stuff, because Costia was straight and Clarke was imagining things.

Until she wasn’t.

Costia had been Clarke’s first girl-on-girl make out. They’d both been drunk, which had bothered Clarke because it had felt like that had been Costia’s plan all along. Hell, maybe Costia had needed to be drunk herself to go there with another girl for the first time. Who knew? But that kiss had changed everything because it had brought Costia out of the closet.

The next time they drank, Costia tried for more than a make out, and it had been Clarke who pulled back with a hundred questions in her mind, the first of which being, _Don’t you have a boyfriend?_

Costia did, but kept on insisting he wasn’t a problem. He was her post-college plan and that was two years out. Now was now.

Clarke’s libido had wanted to listen to the logic, but her brain just couldn’t. 

That’s when she’d met Finn. Easy-going Finn who banged like a frat boy but cuddled like a kitten. 

The first time they had sex, Costia had been the foreplay but Finn had been the only one to truly finish since the party had been at his frat house and he had a room they could escape into when Clarke fled Costia. Sleeping with Finn that night hadn’t been the right thing to do on any level, but it had seemed like the best way to get away from Costia at the time. 

Three minutes after landing on a bed with Finn, Clarke had been pretty sure she’d just made the stupidest decision of her life. But then Finn had spooned into her and fallen asleep for the rest of the night and she couldn’t have asked for more.

That had been the night she’d realized Cuddle Slut was a real thing. In high school, everyone thought she and Wells were sleeping together. They “dated” all through high school and slept over at each other’s houses all the time. Wells was her high school’s star wide receiver and Clarke was head cheerleader, so no one blinked at them being a couple, which also meant no one guessed that Wells was gay.

Clarke’s mom knew, which was the only reason Wells had carte blanche at staying over. But gay or not, she and Wells had snuggled all the time. And when he wasn’t around, Clarke had Octavia, so she hadn’t really noticed what a stabilizing effect it had on her moods until she woke up her first morning after sleeping with Finn feeling completely unwound in the best way possible. That was when she’d realized she ran on cuddle power and that Finn could cuddle like no other. 

True, there was only a 1 in 3 chance she’d get an orgasm first with him, but she always got a full night of being held after they were together and that was what she really needed out of the deal.

Finn could cuddle. Finn was casual. Finn kept Costia at bay.

Finn was a win.

Costia had been pissed when Clarke hooked up with him again at the next party, mocking Clarke for hiding from her feelings while still trying to seduce her at every turn. 

Then Raven had stepped in. 

Raven had been Clarke’s tutor at the time, and Clarke had been very good at going off topic during their sessions. So Raven knew all the details when they all met up at a party where Costia was going on and on about wanting to try a girl…and Raven volunteered.

Raven didn’t care about Derrick, only about helping Costia figure out if she needed to break up with Derrick and be with a girl instead. There had been no heart in it for Raven or Costia when they’d gone to bed together. It had been Vegas—whatever the hell that was for Costia—and ninety minutes and three orgasms later the verdict was is: While sapphic was great, Costia was still opting for straight.

That was as much as Clarke knew, and that was as much as she wanted to know.

Maybe Clarke should have hated her tutor for what she’d done that night, but oddly, getting Costia to own up to the fact that she wanted to be a LUG marked the beginning of a true friendship between Clarke and Raven. And when Raven and Octavia had hit it off the first time they met, that had sealed the deal. The duo was now a trio, and Costia was both part of the group and not part of it.

It was weird, but it was what it was and they all rolled with it. 

Clarke and Costia still had some sort of fucked up friendship going for them while Raven seemed to feel a bit maternal over her. Octavia pretty much hated Costia, but that was Clarke’s fault for dumping all her feelings and complaints onto Octavia over the phone that first year. With all the dirt Octavia knew about Costia the first day they actually met, there was no chance they could ever be friends. But they tolerated each other.

“You okay?”

The question came from behind Clarke, and when she looked up into the mirror she saw Lexa standing in the door frame, watching her in the bathroom mirror. Clarke smiled and started on her eye makeup again.

“Yeah. Just thinking.”

Lexa gave a little nod. “I can see that. It doesn’t look happy.”

“It’s nothing,” Clarke said, looking at her shirt and deciding she hated it. “I think I’m PMSing. I’m kind of all over the place today.”

Lexa’s eyes dropped down to the shirt. “I can see that.”

Clarke frowned in the mirror. “You hate it, don’t you?”

Lexa appeared to weigh her answer carefully. “It looks like you want to hook up with a girl tonight, not a guy.”

“You volunteering?” Clarke said before she could think better of it.

Lexa’s eyebrows shot up.

“Sorry,” Clarke said before she could say anything. “Like I said, I’m all over the place tonight.”

“Do you want to stay here and chill?” Lexa asked. “The two of us and chocolate?”

God, that sounded perfect. Truly perfect. But it was also selfish. 

Did Clarke like it when Lexa’s world orbited hers a little more tightly than it currently was? Yes. But it was also good that Lexa was reaching out and meeting new people. She wasn’t a freakin’ goldfish Clarke could keep all to herself in the dorms. Yes, Clarke might have been the first person Lexa opened up to, but that didn’t give Clarke ownership of her. There was a whole big fucking world out there, and Lexa was allowed to like Raven if she wanted to. She was allowed to go to a party and meet someone new if she wanted to. She was allowed to exist outside of the small world Clarke lived in.

So, no, they shouldn’t stay home tonight. They should go out. They should—

“Clarke?”

“Tempting,” Clarke said, realizing her brain had stalled out to long thinking again. “But I think I need to dance this shit out. I’m good to go.”

Lexa didn’t look convinced. “Okay.”

“Besides,” Clarke said, wiggling her eyebrows. “If we don’t go out tonight, you’ll miss a chance to go to Vegas.”

This time Lexa’s eyebrows went up. “Me? Go to Vegas? I don’t think so.”

“No?” Clarke asked skeptically.

“Definitely not,” Lexa said. “But Raven’s just so cool, you know? Like, way cooler than the rest of us. I guess I just wonder what kind of a person she’s looking for.”

“Probably not someone in college,” Clarke joked. “Maybe a professor or something like that.”

“Huh. I can actually see that.”

Clarke nodded. “She needs someone crazy smart and wise. And kind. Not nice, kind. Someone who can see through her bullshit and stand up to her when she starts down one of her self-destructive paths. Compassionate, confident, intelligent, and sexy as fuck. That’s what Raven needs. Luckily for her, she’s pansexual, so she has the whole human race to choose from when picking her partner. All I know is that it isn’t me.”

“Or me,” Lexa said absently as she stared off in thought.

Clarke breathed a sigh of relief.

“It’d just be fun to see her in love, you know? Like you with Finn—”

“I’m not in love with Finn,” Clarke blurted, eyeing her roommate in the mirror.

Lexa looked confused. “But you two have been together for over a year—”

“Off and on,” Clarke interrupted again.

Lexa’s eyebrows drew together in thought. “Then why are you still with him?”

Why? Because cuddle power was a thing and it had been almost three weeks since someone had mellowed her out by holding her through the night…and the green eyes watching her in the mirror weren’t helping her emotional stability any. 

It was unreal how badly Clarke wanted to turn around and pull her roommate into a hug that would definitely be awkward in both intimacy and duration. Octavia or Raven wouldn’t blink if she did that to them. Octavia had snuggled with Clarke all through high school, and Raven had pulled a dozen or so snuggle shifts in the past year, but they were different. Clarke could hug them without wanting to inhale their scent or trace their collarbones with her teeth and tongue.

The same could not be said for Lexa.

With Lexa, Clarke had impulse-control problems and emotions that bounced around like popcorn. It was best to sort at least some of that out before potentially destroying an otherwise perfect roommate situation.

“Clarke?”

She blinked. “Yeah?”

“So if you don’t love him, why have you been with him so long?”

_Because he’s camouflage,_ she thought. Not a beard, but camouflage. With Finn, she could still be herself while bypassing some of the shit storms. 

Maybe Costia was right. Maybe she was a coward. Maybe she’d been using Finn and maybe Finn was using her right back. Clarke didn’t know. All she knew was that ever since she first kissed Lexa, the thought of going to bed with Finn made her feel a bit ill. 

Kissing Costia had sent her running into bed with Finn, and kissing Lexa had her finding the smallest of excuses to stay out of it for eighteen days straight.

Maybe it was karma. Maybe her obsession with Lexa wasn’t unlike Costia’s obsession with her.

Costia had Derrick when she’d started crushing on Clarke, and now Clarke had Finn while she was crushing on Lexa. But if she broke up with Finn and Lexa wasn’t ready for anything, then that opened the door she’d just tried to shut with a pinky promise with Costia. But Clarke knew Costia. If she and Finn broke up, that pinky promise to be friends—and only friends—forever would be forgotten pretty quickly.

Or she could just hide behind Finn a bit longer and keep feeling things out with Lexa. 

But that would mean sleeping with Finn again…starting tonight. Clarke had definitely floated that fact out there for Lexa to react to one way or the other, and Lexa was acting totally normal. Indifferent, even. And if Lexa was indifferent then Clarke definitely shouldn’t break up with him yet because Costia…

Shit. 

Shit. Shit. Shit.

What she wouldn’t give for a crystal ball to tell her the future so she didn’t fuck this up one way or the other just by being stupid. All she knew is that her instincts told her to let Lexa breathe a bit and not to go after her hard like Costia had done to her. It was a lot of pressure all at once, and no one needed that right out of the gate.

Dating your roommate was never smart, but it was especially not smart if that roommate was your first date ever and had only been out of the closet two weeks.

Lexa needed to stretch her long-ass legs. She needed to explore and see what she really wanted. Then, if she chose Clarke, then they could go from there. But as things stood, Lexa hadn’t given any signs that she was jealous of Finn. She’d only ever brought him up twice. Once the night she was high, and once tonight. Maybe that meant something, maybe it didn’t. 

All Clarke knew was that she felt as exposed as hell and that the life she’d built over the past year was at a tipping point. One make out session with Lexa tonight and it would all come tumbling down. It would be messy and Clarke could deal, but would the mess push Lexa away or cloud whatever they had with the stank of unnecessary drama and kill their living situation?

When a hand pressed up against Clarke’s forehead, she realized she’d spaced out again.

“Huh,” Lexa said. “You don’t have a temperature.”

“No,” Clarke said, face flushing with embarrassment at her complete inability to focus or keep a poker face. 

Lexa looked concerned. “Are you okay? You keep spacing out.”

“Just stressed,” Clarke said, pulling out her lip gloss and applying it. “Like I said, I’ll dance it out.” _Or cuddle it out, because I’m a fucking cuddle slut and this is how I get when the slut abstains._

“That’s right,” Lexa said with a smile. “I know I got a sneak peek of your dancing skills on the walk home after my party, but hear from many sources that watching you on a dance floor is a humbling experience.”

“Not if you join me,” Clarke teased. “Then it’s just fun.”

“Maybe I will.”

“Maybe you should.”

As they locked eyes in the mirror, Clarke could have sworn her heart skipped a beat.

This. Moments like this made her so sure that Lexa felt the same way—when those earthy green eyes seemed to light up with a playful fire that called to Clarke like a siren’s song. Looks like that made her want to push Lexa up against the wall and figure out what move she needed to pull to earn a bite or an involuntary moan from that perfect mouth.

Instead, she gave her makeup job a once over, threw on some finishing powder, and turned off the light. “C’mon, Lex,” she said, purposefully brushing against her as she passed through the small doorway. “At least one of us needs to get wasted tonight.”

“Right behind you,” Lexa said before holding the door open and following Clarke out.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A time to dance; a time to go...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first off, thanks for the love and the subtle nudges not to forget this. I assure you I'm not.
> 
> The good news: A really cool job pulled me away from this. I'm still in the middle of it, but through the grunt work, which means I'll likely be posting more frequently again.
> 
> The bad news: This is actually half of the chapter I wanted to post (although it's still pretty long, for those of you who count words). But I promised myself I wouldn't go out to play tonight until I posted again, though (and it's time to go), so you get a Part I of the chapter, with Part II to hopefully follow close behind.
> 
> As always, hope you likey, and sorry for taking a hiatus for a few weeks there. But if you knew what I was working on, I promise you would approve.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> P.S. Sorry for any major typos. I'll try to go through later and clean up anything bad when I have more time.

For the first time since the night Lexa had gotten high, Clarke was the tense one as they walked over to the house to pre-game. Clarke walked just a little bit faster and spoke just a little bit less than usual. Something was up, not that Clarke was going to admit it. She seemed far more interested in reaching a chemically altered state than discussing whatever was bothering her.

So Lexa didn’t push.

When they walked through the front door, Raven, Octavia, and Costia were already on the fun side of tipsy. Well, Costia and Octavia were. Raven still looked normal.

Clarke put her usual smile on her face and gave each of her friends a hug. When Costia followed her hug up with an offering on tequila, Clarke declined and looked Raven’s way.

“Actually, can I pre-game with herb?”

Lexa grew still and looked at the other girls in the room to see if they were as surprised as she was. By all appearances, it looked like this was an unusual request.

“Sure,” Raven said, her eyes studying Clarke for a moment before heading over to her bedroom.

Octavia’s buzz cleared enough for her to give Clarke a searching look. “You okay, babe?”

“Yeah,” Clarke said quickly, but she sounded stressed and Lexa was pretty sure everyone heard it. Still, Costia didn’t waste any time handing the shot originally intended for Clarke over to Lexa. 

“Bottom’s up, Lex!” she said before holding up her own shot and clinking it against Lexa’s. Lexa swallowed the drink back in the name of being social, but her eyes quickly returned to Clarke.

Something was up. She had no idea what, but she’d never seen Clarke dress like this when going to a party before. She always dressed so girly, with bright colors, tight clothes, and at least a peek of cleavage. Tonight her clothes were all dark and dude-like, down to the biker harness boots. She still looked hot and her shirt had been washed so many times that it fit her like a second skin, but it was odd. It was like she didn’t want to be seen or something.

“Looking hot, Lexa,” Costia said, filling up their shot glasses with tequila again. “You have the ass of an Olympic hurdler, you know that?”

“Uh, thanks?” Lexa said, taking the second shot. One more and then she was going to back off a bit. Unlike everyone else in the room, she had no desire to get wasted tonight—especially when her roommate was acting so weird.

Raven back came out of her room as Lexa swallowed back her second shot, and she knew she wasn’t the only one who watched Clarke walk out onto the back porch with Raven. When the door was shut, Lexa looked over at Octavia.

“Is this normal? Does she get high a lot?”

Octavia shook her head slowly. “No. Not really. This will be the third time this year.”

 _And the second time in a week,_ Lexa amended in her mind. That, plus her clothes, plus her tense silence on the walk over didn’t leave Lexa feeling too comfortable.

“Is she okay?” Lexa asked, not aiming the question at anyone in particular. 

“I guess we’ll find out,” Octavia said before walking over to the door and joining Raven an Clarke on the deck. They weren’t out there too long, but Lexa couldn’t help but count the hits that were taken. Clarke took four, Raven took two, and Octavia declined.

“Ever smoked a joint?” Costia asked, noting the direction of Lexa’s eyes.

Lexa shook her head. 

“Me, neither,” she said. “I may drink like a fish, but I still say no to drugs. I think I’m one of those people who would wig out and get crazy paranoid on drugs. That, or I’d start saying shit I really shouldn’t be saying.”

Lexa could relate to that last one. She definitely had that problem of disclosing too much under the influence.

“Another shot?” Costia offered.

“I think I’ll give it ten minutes and see where I am,” Lexa said, watching the other girls start to come back in.

“Ah, c’mon. Just one more,” she said, holding out the shot. “Two isn’t enough to get loose.”

“I don’t know how loose I want to get,” Lexa said, eyes locked on Clarke.

“More than two shots loose,” Costia said, holding out the drink. “C’mon. Just one more. Then give it ten minutes.”

Lexa didn’t want to say yes, but Costia was persistent and drinking was easier than arguing. “Fine,” she said, taking the drink and downing it just as Raven, Clarke, and Octavia walked back in. 

Raven headed back into her room while Octavia weaved her fingers through Clarke’s and led her over to the couch. Lexa felt a ping of jealousy wash through her at the sight of their locked hands, and the feeling didn’t improve any when Octavia laid down and held her arms out in invitation for Clarke to lay on top of her.

There wasn’t even an instant of hesitation on Clarke’s side. She draped herself over Octavia, closed her eyes, and snuggled in as if there was no place she’d rather be.

 

* * *

 

 

When Clarke closed her eyes, all the sound around her became colors and shapes in her high state. She had no idea how long she’d been laying on Octavia—maybe she was losing time, maybe she wasn’t—but it had probably been at least twenty minutes. 

Twenty minutes of being soothed by Octavia’s even breaths and steady heartbeat. 

Twenty minutes of Octavia’s hand stroking her hair and running up and down her back.

Twenty minutes of not talking or having to think or being put on the spot. 

Just a body, heartbeat, breaths, and gentle hands while the world around her fluctuated in geometric color. 

She liked being this level of high, even if it took a while for her to come totally down. It would be after midnight before she was fully sober, but it was worth it.

So worth it.

The current song pulsed starbursts of gold and black while her friends’ voices splashed color through the starbursts. Clarke had long ago stopped listening to what anyone was saying and just watched their voices. Raven’s voice was the color of fire, Octavia’s showed up in shades of purple, Costia’s was an earthy mix of green and brown, while Lexa’s voice was the softest shade of blue. When Lexa spoke, all the other colors faded into the background as Clarke focused in and tried to identify the shade of blue she was seeing. She wanted a blanket that color to wrap herself up and sleep in. She was pretty sure it would match her eyes.

For now, however, Octavia was the perfect mattress and she needed no blanket. Clarke loved that the girl just knew how to just be without needing to talk. Raven was still feeding Octavia shots on the couch to get her warmed up for the party, and everyone had moved into the living room so Octavia could talk to them while Clarke snuggled. But no one was asking Clarke to talk and that served her just fine.

She wasn’t aware her hand had moved down to grip Octavia’s ass until her friend wove their fingers together and moved her hand off. The tiny adjustments continued for the next few minutes, Clarke not knowing she was crossing the line until Octavia silently corrected her and put them back in a more platonic position than Clarke had been aiming for. Octavia said nothing the whole time, she just kept holding on until Clarke was certain at least thirty minutes had passed.

It was then that Costia’s green and brown voice pulsed out much closer than it had been before.

“Need a break?” she said, and Clarke had the sense that if she reached out her hand, she could have touched Costia. “I can swap out with you, if you want.”

“With you on tequila and her on pot? Hard pass, Cos” Octavia said, her voice shades of lilac and violet with a little bit of black. Part of Clarke heard and understood their words, but she was more interested in watching the colors and the shapes that they made as she draped over Octavia like a blanket.

“You’ve just been here for a while,” Costia said, her voice a little more brown than green this time and shaped like a hexagram. “Your arm must be falling asleep.”

When Octavia spoke again, her voice was the shape of static, but still the same colors. “Oh my god, Costia. Go find a corner of furniture and have your way with it. Clarke is off limits to you tonight.”

“No need to go full bitch, O. I was just offering.”

“Yeah, we both know what you were offering. Now get lost. I don’t care where you go, but you need to get away from this couch.”

“Don’t be mean,” Clarke muttered against Octavia’s neck before becoming distracted by the fact that she couldn’t see the color or shape of her own voice with her eyes closed. 

Why not? 

She didn’t know that anymore than she knew how to stop Octavia and Costia from butting heads. All she wanted was for them both to calm down. “Be nice. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“See?” Costia said. “She said it’s okay if we switch out.”

Clarke felt Octavia tense beneath her.

“You’re fucking unbelievable, you know that?” Octavia said softly, her voice almost entirely violet and black this time and pulsing in the shape of Xs behind Clarke’s eyes. “If you were a guy, people would call you out so fucking fast. But you’re not. You’re a girl, so people let you get away with shit like never taking no for an answer. But not me, okay? I see you. And I’m telling you to get the fuck out of my face before things get ugly—which will be in about two seconds, if you don’t turn around and walk away.”

“You’re not her only friend, O,” Costia argued.

“No, but I am one of her friends who knows that no means no, and doesn’t try to get a yes every time I see her.”

“We’ve talked through that,” Costia said. “We’re just friends now.”

“Yeah?” Octavia challenged. “How about you prove that when she’s not high as a kite? Baby steps, Cos.”

Clarke heard a sigh from Costia. Not a happy one. “You’re a control, freak. You know that?”

“No,” Octavia said, stroking Clarke’s hair out of her face again. “I’m a friend. I know you have a skewed view of what that means, but let me give you a hint: Clarke doesn’t need to be turned on or talked into sex right now, okay? That’s not why she got high. So just give her space. I’ve got her, and when she wants to get up, she will fucking get up of her own accord. Then we’ll go to the party.”

If Clarke hadn’t already been hugging Octavia, she would have hugged her then. As it was, she settled on tightening her hold a bit…or at least she thought she did. Who knew? All she cared about at the moment was that Octavia was fighting this battle for her. She felt bad that her friend’s heart was beating faster out of anger, even as Octavia’s snarling made her feel safe enough to fall even deeper into the high and let go. All that mattered was the warm body beneath her, the two arms that held her, and the hands that occasionally stroked her back or her hair like a mother might.

Ever since the motorcycle fondling incident last Fall, Octavia had been a bit more reluctant to be around Clarke when she was in cuddle mode. That had been Clarke’s bad. She’d crossed the line hardcore that night and didn’t blame Octavia for being a little less willing to stick around when the Cuddle Slut came into play. That was Octavia’s right, but that didn’t mean Octavia still didn’t what Clarke needed better than anyone else: a safe place to land.

Was Octavia being overly rude to Costia? Probably. But Octavia also didn’t know anything about the conversation they’d had a few days ago after Clarke had drawn her. They were friends now. Finally. After a year and a half, Costia was finally okay with just being friends.

No more talk of sex. No more feeling Costia’s hand slide up her thigh under a blanket while they watched a movie. No more feeling Costia’s thumbs trace the underside of her breasts as she pulled away from a hug. 

Clarke had always been good at juggling her sexual reactions to friendly contact from friends. It was part of being bisexual. Clarke had always been able to let go of things Octavia, Raven, or other friends made her feel and keep things on a friend level, but Costia had always been different. Costia was bi too, and she’d known from the beginning that Clarke was attracted. It was the first time—and only—in her life she’d been friends with a girl who offered her a perma-yes to sex at all times and made sure Clarke had an opportunity to reconsider every time they were in the same room.

But not anymore.

God, that was such a relief.

No matter what happened tonight, Costia wouldn’t hit on her.

They were friends. Finally. But Octavia was still right to keep her away. After about six shots of tequila, Costia’s clothes started coming off, and Clarke was pretty sure that everyone in the room was hovering around that number when it came to shots. Well, except Lexa. She hadn’t had anything to drink since Clarke came back into the house however long ago. She’d heard her roommate decline drinks over and over again, much to Costia’s dismay.

Clarke’s eyes blinked open to find Lexa and saw Costia instead. Oddly enough, the girl was looking already back, so Clarke did her best to smile to let her know they were good. When Costia smiled back, her eyes dropped down to Clarke’s lips for a moment and Clarke closed her eyes.

She’d just imagined it. She and Costia were good.

She’d just imagined it.

Beneath her, Octavia adjusted and spoke to her for the first time since they’d hit the couch. “You doing okay there?”

Clarke tried for an answer but ended up offering up only a whimper.

Octavia’s hand started rhythmically stroking Clarke’s hair away from her face as she spoke so only Clarke could hear. “What’s up, babe? Is it school? Is it life.”

“All of the above,” Clarke muttered.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

Clarke drew her lips closer to Octavia’s ear to make sure only she heard. “I don’t know what to do.”

“About what?”

Clarke felt tears leak from her eyes, but didn’t know how to stop them. “I don’t think I can do Finn tonight. Even high. I don’t want to fuck him.”

“So don’t,” Octavia said, pressing a kiss to her temple. 

“But…”

Octavia waited her out.

“I don’t think I want to have sex with him for a while,” she confessed. “So do I let him go? Tonight?”

“That’s up to you, babe. But I can say that idea gets a hell yes from me,” she whispered back. “You two barely jive. You can do better, and he needs to find someone invested enough in him to teach him how to fuck properly. You’ve really done him no favors there, Griff.”

“Hmm,” was all Clarke could said in response. “He’s a really good spooner.”

“Gross. Not a visual I want.”

“He is.”

“Good for him. Now he just needs learn how to bring about the female orgasm on purpose. And we both know you’re not the girl for that job since you’re happy to let him finish and cuddle.”

“Hmm.”

“Seriously, Griff. When is the last time you were properly laid?” she asked. “And if the answer is Murphy, then just say no comment.”

“No comment.”

“That’s just fucked up.”

“Mmhmm.”

For a moment Octavia just held her. Then she spoke. “Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“Break up with him. That’s my vote.”

“I’ll take that into consideration,” Clarke muttered against her neck.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

“No.”

“Okay,” Octavia said, still lightly stroking. “We’ll talk about everything else later, okay?”

“M’kay.”

There was silence for a few moments between them and Clarke tuned in to Raven and Costia arguing about whether Katy Perry or Taylor Swift would be the bigger bitch in real life. Then Octavia spoke lightly in her ear again.

“On a scale of 1 to 10, where are you on the High Scale right now, Griff?”

“I’m an 8,” Clarke said, even as she noted that she wasn’t seeing colors as sound as vividly anymore. They were fading.

“Okay,” Octavia said. “Let me know when you’re a 6 and then we’ll go to the party, okay? However long that takes.”

“M’kay,” Clarke said, then they stopped talking again.

It felt so nice to just lay there in peace. Octavia might be tiny, but there was no better guard dog when Clarke was incapacitated, so Clarke let herself let go and relax as she slowly came down.

 

* * *

 

Lexa glanced Raven’s direction when her phone chimed with a message.

“Monty and Jasper are passing by,” Raven said. “They want to know if we want a ride over.”

“Yes!” Costia said, standing up and visibly past being tipsy. “I was ready like thirty minutes ago. Let’s go!”

“You guys go,” Octavia said from the couch, Clarke still draped over her and looking lost to the world. “Clarke and I will take an Uber over when we’re ready.”

“Let’s just all go now,” Costia whined. “She’ll be fine when we get there. She just needs to get up and walk around a bit.”

Octavia scowled from the couch. “We all know what happens if she gets up and walks around, Cos. Stop being an ass, and just catch a ride with Monty and Jasp. We’ll be like twenty or thirty more minutes. No biggie. No need to wait.”

“I’ll wait, too,” Lexa said before she could stop herself. When everyone looked her way, she shrugged. “In case you need help or something.”

For the first time in almost an hour, Clarke raised her head and proved she wasn’t asleep. “We should take the ride. I can just wait in the jeep until I’m ready to go in.”

“You sure?” Raven said, fingers poised to reply to the message.

“Totally sure,” Clarke said, pushing to her feet and holding out her hand to help Octavia up. Lexa’s heart twisted with a pang of jealousy as she watched the two have an entire conversation with a single look. At the end of it, Octavia accepted Clarke’s hand up and pulled out her phone. 

“I’ll let Lincoln know we’re on our way.”

Everyone started moving to gather up what they needed for the party except Clarke. She looked spaced out and thoughtful as she sat on the arm of the couch and got her bearings. Lexa was about to walk over and ask if she was okay, but Costia beat her to it.

“How you doing, Clarke?” Costia said, resting a hand on her shoulder.

“Good,” Clarke said, stretching her jaw for some reason.

“You need help out to the driveway?”

For a moment, Clarke looked like she was going to decline, but then she shrugged. “Why not?”

Costia’s hand quickly moved around Clarke’s waist to help her up. Lexa watched, hating how her teeth clamped together at the simple contact between two friends. But it did seem that Costia was leaning in more than necessary. Clarke wasn’t drunk off her ass or anything. She could stand on her own. She didn’t need to lean on anything to walk, yet that was the support Costia was offering her. 

Still, Lexa said nothing as Costia led Clarke out the front door to wait for Jasper and Monty. It wasn’t until they were through the door that Lexa realized she wasn’t the only one watching. Octavia and Raven were right there with her.

“Seriously, if I could choke a bitch, she’d be the one,” Octavia said, eyes dark as she glared at the now-closed door. “And not in the fun way.”

“We’ll keep our eyes on it through the night,” Raven said. “If she oversteps, we’ll block the hell out it. Finn’s the only one on Clarke’s consent list.”

Octavia nodded, clearly annoyed as she tucked her phone back into her pocket. “God, I can’t wait for it to be two months from now and for her ass to be forever back in Memphis. I am legitimately going to throw a party. Y’all are fucking invited.”

The corner of Raven’s mouth ticked up as she grabbed her keys. “RSVP me as a yes.”

Lexa wasn’t even sure the two friends even remembered she was in the room until Octavia looked her way. “What about you, Kinsey? You ready to toss the confetti with us?”

“Uh, sure?” Lexa said, even though she really didn’t have anything against the girl, other than the fact that she was much more beautiful and clearly had more history with Clarke. Lexa felt jealous when she saw Clarke and Costia together, but she didn’t hate the girl like Octavia did. But Clarke had already explained how that happened, so Lexa didn’t blame Octavia for her feelings either.

In the same position, Lexa would probably have similar feelings for Costia.

Octavia grunted and started walking to the door. “Let’s get our asses to that party and get dancing before I turn mean. I’ve got to dance this shit out.”

“Right behind you,” Raven said, singling out the key to the door to lock it behind them.

“Me too,” Lexa said, and they reached the door right as headlights pulled into the driveway.

 

* * *

 

 

Cars were parked all over the lawn when Jasper pulled up to the party, and he searched for a spot to park in the chaos of cars. Lexa’s phone buzzed in her back pocket as they came to a stop and a sharp look from Octavia let Lexa know the text was from her and she should take a look.

_If we drag Costia into the party, can you handle the Cuddle Slut until she’s ready to go in?_

Looking up from her phone, Lexa met Octavia’s eyes and nodded.  That was all it took before Raven and Octavia each slid their arms through Costia’s and literally dragged her out of the back door of the SUV.

“Last one to the dance floor is the shot bitch,” Raven called, and whatever that meant, it worked. Costia took off running.

From the passenger seat, Monty looked back at Lexa and Clarke in the back seat. “You two good?”

“Sure,” Lexa said. “We’ll just go in when she’s ready.”

“Sweet,” Jasper said, opening his door. “See you inside.”

“See you in a few,” Clarke said, surprising Lexa. She wasn’t sure exactly what shape her roommate was in, but she sounded normal when she spoke so maybe she was more sober than everyone assumed.

When Clarke looked her way and smiled in the back seat, Lexa fought hard to keep her guard up.

“Don’t worry,” Clarke said, looking amused. “You’re fine. I won’t attack you.”

“I…didn’t think you would,” Lexa managed.

“I’m actually good to go in, but I wanted to ask you something first. It’s something I’ve wanted to ask you for a while, but I’m not as nervous to ask you now.”

Lexa felt herself tense, her heart rate picking up as she imagined all the things Clarke might want of her…and how she would answer if Clarke actually asked. The shots she’d taken back at the house an hour ago weren’t enough to give her any added chill as she said, “Okay.”

Clarke smiled her usual Clarke smile—not the tense version she’d been sporting while she’d been getting ready earlier. “Great. This is going to be so good to get out the way. I don’t even know why I was nervous, really.”

Maybe Clarke wasn’t, but now Lexa was. “Okay,” she repeated.

“It’s for my art class,” Clarke said, pulling her phone out of her pocket. “I have this project I want to do, and if my instructor likes it, it will go into the end of year showcase. I was wondering if I could take some pictures of you in a few positions for the project and use them for reference.”

The tension dropped from Lexa as quickly as it came, but was replaced by a small pang of disappointment. 

Clarke wanted pictures? For art class?

Why would she be nervous asking for something like that? She hadn’t even hesitated when in came to drawing Costia.

Costia. Thinking of the girl in the context of Clarke’s art had Lexa reliving a sea of memories, including seeing the girl naked and staring at Clarke’s lips earlier that week while the two girls had stood less than a foot apart.

Would they have kissed in Raven hadn’t interrupted them? She felt like she’d never know.

Lexa was so distracted by the thought that she gave a small jump when Clarke gripped her hand while using her other to open the back door. “C’mon. It’s better if you’re standing—well, laying down, really, but we’ll make standing work.”

Lexa hated how eagerly she followed her roommate…at how stupidly high her heart rate was at a simple, functional touch. Part of her was lecturing herself on how pathetic that was, while the other half was giddy to feel anything at all. After a lifetime of shutting down and cutting people out her life, the uneasy high Clarke brought into her life felt like sunlight through a storm.

Sunlight didn’t last forever, though. She had to remember that if she was going to enjoy the sunny moments while they lasted.

She could enjoy them. She just couldn’t get attached to them.

That’s what she told herself as she gripped Clarke’s hand back and followed her out into the tangle of cars.

“Seriously?” Clarke griped, fingers still tangled into Lexa’s as she looked around. “Were people drunk when they arrived? It’s going to be impossible to get out.”

Lexa couldn’t disagree.  Several cars were already wedged in.

“Side of the house,” Clarke decided, pulling Lexa along.

They covered the distance quickly, Clarke practically skipping between the cars until they were on the dark side of the frat house.

“This will be great with my flash,” Clarke said, releasing Lexa’s hand as she got her phone’s camera ready. In an instant, Lexa’s hand chilled and she stuck her hands in her pockets, not quite sure what to do with them as Clarke readied herself.

“Okay,” Clarke said. “Stand with your back to the house so I can have it as a solid backdrop.”

Lexa did as instructed, surprised when Clarke moved in and turned on the flashlight on her phone and aimed it Lexa’s direction.

“So I’m actually trying to get pictures of very specific parts of you, so know that’s what I’m looking for when I ask you to move, okay?” Her eyes moved over Lexa’s jaw, neck and shoulder as she spoke, the flashlight highlighting all the same areas. “Would it help you to know what I’m looking at?”

Yes? No? Lexa didn’t know, so she went with the intuitive choice. “Sure.”

The flashlight clicked off as Clarke took yet another step forward until she was fully in Lexa’s bubble. Her hand came up, a single finger coming up to touch the underside of Lexa’s jaw. 

“I’ll be looking at the suboccipital muscles,” she said, dragging the finger across the underside of Lexa’s jaw, then back again.

Lexa froze like a deer on the freeway at the light stroke.

“The sternocleidomastoid,” Clarke continued, letting her finger continue its journey from the base of Lexa’s ear to just above her collarbone. 

Lexa froze beneath the touch and she lost the ability to inhale when Clarke’s hand slid up under her hair to press against a spot at the top of her neck and trace down to her shoulder. 

“The trapezius. I just want to take pictures of them in specific positions to draw later. That cool?”

Lexa’s voice felt choked but she was pretty sure it came out normal when she said, “Of course.”

“Great!” Clarke said. “Let’s get started.”

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa needed a drink. A real, hardcore drink.

Platonic photo sessions on the side of a random house should not qualify as foreplay, but apparently Lexa had no standards in that department. Eye contact. A few touches. Nominal praise. Apparently that’s all it took these days for Lexa’s inner compass to get scrambled.

Well, if her brain was going to be off kilter tonight, she at least wanted something tangible to blame it on. Alcohol. No, she didn’t like to drink. No, she’d never been drunk, but damn if she didn’t need to loosen up a little bit. Not go full drunk. Maybe not even go tipsy, but a buzz… _something_.

She and Clarke had parted ways back at the dance floor. Clarke didn’t mix pot and alcohol, and had sworn on everything holy that Cuddle Slut was under control, so Lexa had released her to Raven and Octavia’s care.

It had taken about ten seconds for Clarke and Costia to start grinding.

Lexa filled a red solo cup and watched the two girls, trying to sort out how she felt about their easy intimacy. More than anything she wanted to join them, but…what if people saw it wasn’t playing to her? What if she took things too far?

Lexa took a sip as Costia leaned into Clarke’s neck and pressed a kiss there. The muscles in Lexa’s stomach tightened into a fist as Clarke pulled away with a laugh and wagged her finger at Costia right as Finn stepped in  behind her, his hands moving comfortably onto her waist as he moved flushed against her ass.  Like an old habit, the two of them fell into a rhythm as Finn leaned over her shoulder and Clarke turned her head to press a kiss to his lips.

Lexa drained her cup and went for a refill.

Why had she even come? It wasn’t like there was any reason to expect anything different than what she was actually seeing. Sure, she could go find someone else to dance with. The trouble was, she didn’t want to—not even in the name of doing it just to check if Clarke would notice.

She just wanted to go home and let things go back to how they were when Lexa pretended not to notice when Clarke stumbled in somewhere between two a.m. and dawn. Sometimes ignorance _was_ bliss.

Lexa was about to go for a third cup when Raven came up behind her and hooked her arm through Lexa’s elbow. “C’mon, Eeyore. Let’s get you on that dance floor and see your moves.”

“I don’t have any,” Lexa said, looking for a spot to ditch her cup as Raven pulled her across the twenty feet that led to the dance area. When they got there, Clarke was grinding on Finn and Octavia was grinding on Lincoln. 

Great. 

Then Octavia did that lame invisible lasso thing to pull Clarke closer, and Clarke complied.

Double great.

Not far behind where Octavia danced, Lexa saw Costia for the first time since Clarke had switched to Finn. The girl had found someone else to grind on in a major way and was all but riding her leg on the dance floor.

Back at the house, Lexa had found Octavia’s comments urging Costia to find various objects to dry hump in poor taste, but now…maybe Octavia hadn’t been that far off in describing Costia’s lust levels on tequila. The girl looked ready to strip her shirt and take things to the floor.

Part of Lexa wanted to watch, but she was glad Raven gave her an excuse not to by stepping in across from her and setting into a sultry sway, urging Lexa to dance with her. When Lexa hesitated, Raven’s eyes glinted in their knowing way.

“It’s easy to be a wallflower and think dark thoughts,” Raven said into her ear. “It’s much more fun to join the party and let everyone else think what they will.”

 _Easier said than done,_ was all Lexa could think as she purposefully did not look Clarke’s direction.

“Just move,” Raven said, sliding in so that the front of her hips glanced across Lexa’s as she moved.

Okay. That felt good. Really good. And while Raven may not make Lexa’s heart go pitter-pat, the girl was crazy hot and knew how to move. So Lexa moved with her. They started slow, Lexa finding the rhythm and wishing she’d put more alcohol into her system to help her sink into it. She was still annoyingly sober. Even so, before she knew it, she and Raven were the third couple in the Octavia and Clarke dance-off, with Lexa standing back in the boy’s position while Raven worked her like a stripper pole. It was kind of a flashback to the night Lexa had declared her best kisser.

And speaking of kissing…that sounded like a really good idea at the moment. Half the moves Raven was doing with her ass should be illegal, and they were building up a heat in Lexa that was going to need an outlet at some point. Her gut told her that Raven would make out with her if she made the move, but that would just be too fucked up when the face Lexa saw when she closed her eyes was three feet to her right, and the breasts she wanted to feel up against her were the ones Finn was currently palming.

So fucked up. Truly.

She tried to keep her eyes on Raven and Octavia, surprised when they both split away to dance with each other in such an erotic tangle that Lexa joined Lincoln as a slack-jawed spectator, barely remembering to keep time with her feet as she watched. 

Soon, Clarke was right there with them and breathing became a conscious effort for Lexa. When Finn and Lincoln sent each other looks that basically said, _We’re the luckiest bastards alive,_ before cheering them all on, Lexa had to concede the fact that they were indeed lucky bastards. Because…fuck. Just fuck. Lexa could feel her pulse in her throat and temples, and below the belt she was starting to think that Costia had the right idea in finding a willing thigh and going for a ride.

She needed space. Fast.

Lexa was just about to turn to leave when Raven’s hand darted out and pulled her into the sensual thrall.

“You know where you want to be,” Raven teased into her ear before playfully nipping at it. The move got a huge cheer from Finn.

“Hell, yeah!” he called out. “ _KISS!_ ”

They all ignored him as Lexa inserted herself into the dancing, closed her eyes, and just said fuck it. Fuck it all. When Octavia playfully shimmied against her, she took it. When Raven teased her with her hips again, Lexa grabbed her ass to give the movement more meaning. And when Clarke’s hands slid in from behind to graze over Lexa’s sides and down the flair of her hips, Lexa covered Clarke’s hands with her own and guided them to where she wanted them. And when Clarke held steady in that position, swaying her hips against Lexa’s ass, Lexa widened her stance a bit and gave Clarke something to grind against. 

And the fact that Clarke took it all that and capitalized on it for her own pleasure?

Lexa’s eyes blinked open, panicking as she realized what she’d done to herself.

She had Clarke’s hands in her dream grip on her lower hips while Clarke ground her crotch into Lexa’s ass and her pressed breasts against her back. That in itself was bad enough, but then she had Raven in the front, bending over with her ass pressing into Lexa’s front. Brain cells were literally starting to fry in her brain, and Lexa didn’t know what to do—only what she _wanted_ to do.

But she couldn’t do that. She _definitely_ couldn’t do any of that.

The urge to move Clarke’s hands up to her breasts and tilt her head to see if Clarke would do any single ever-loving thing to her neck was almost irresistible. But apparently her inner turmoil and waning self-control were completely unnoticed by everyone watching, because everyone was still dancing like this was normal and Finn was still cheering.

“You’re killing me!” he was yelling. “Someone kiss someone already.”

God. If only. But Lexa was fairly sure a simple kiss wasn’t possible at this point. If she kissed someone right now, she’d probably have sex for the first time standing up. It would be graceless and desperate and humiliating. So a definite no on kissing just then.

At least that’s what Lexa thought until Clarke’s hands used the grip on her hips to spin Lexa to face her. The moment Lexa saw those azure eyes locked on her lips, all previous planning turned to smoke.

“KISS!” Finn roared, and the word still wasn’t all the way out of his mouth when Clarke’s lips surged up and met hers.

There was nothing gentle about the kiss. It was solid lust on both sides and full tongue out of the gate. Lexa didn’t know what her hands were doing, but she definitely registered two hands full of ass before her hands slid up north to tangle in blonde hair.

Everything felt so messy and delicious at the same time. And the fact that Clarke’s thumbs were moving lightly against her hip bones as she pressed her thigh between Lexa’s legs with purpose left Lexa with a head rush that legitimately had her seeing stars.

Finn was cheering and Lexa thought she heard the slap of high fives when a buzz in her front pocket drew an audible gasp from Clarke and the hands at Lexa’s hips tightened in shock as Clarke gasped into Lexa’s shoulder.

“Fuck,” Clarke breathed, her eyes all black as she pulled away. Her eyes dropped down to Lexa’s front pocket with something akin to accusation. “What the hell was that?”

The question brought Lexa back to reality faster than a cold bucket of water.

“Sorry,” Lexa said, fishing the flip phone out of her pocket. Reflex had her opening phone right away and looking at the text message. It was from 7.

_9-1-1. Can we meet?_

Lexa looked up at Clarke and stepped away. “Sorry,” she said. “I’ve got to go.”

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party, and not the party...Part 2.

One of the perks of going to a rich-kid party was the breathalyzer test required to claim keys for a car to drive. Lexa blew in at half the legal limit, so when she asked for Jasper’s keys, no one blinked. Clearly she was a DD, so it didn’t matter if the car was hers. They handed the keys over.

She would tell Jasper what she did later…maybe. If he noticed.

For now, Lexa just needed to get on the road.

 

—

 

Finn was hard and heat-seeking when his hands ran over the curve between Clarke’s waist and hips. His eyes were locked on hers as he held her hips steady and rocked into her. He sighed at the pleasure the contact brought, then his lips were on hers.

Clarke had danced this dance with him a hundred times. She knew his lips…his touch…his movements.

She could do this.

She could.

She just didn’t want to.

Everything that felt just fine a month ago suddenly felt bland or outright forced. Her head just wasn’t into it.

Lexa had just walked out the door without looking back. Not even a glance. Clarke knew, because she had watched for it. Lexa had just left—clear-eyed and completely unaffected by everything that had happened between them on the dance floor. 

Clarke wasn’t sure what exactly _had_ happened, but it had clearly been one-sided. Clarke was drunk in the wake of Lexa’s touch, whereas Lexa had walked out the door the model of sobriety—leaving Clarke to be a pining puppy dog, waiting for one specific someone to walk back through the door looking only for her, while Lexa had walked out the door looking specifically for someone else.

Life was rarely—if ever—fair, especially when it came to affairs of the heart. For some reason, Cupid like to shoot people in sequence, rather than in pairs, leaving people to pine for people who were pining for someone else.

It was a mean trick and Clarke was standing right in the middle of it.

Finn was ready to slide into home, which would have been fine if Lexa hadn’t somehow tattooed Clarke’s tongue with a mark of ownership that made tasting Finn an act of betrayal. All she could think as Finn’s tongue tangled with hers was that he tasted wrong and that there should be a soft heat where a hard shaft was pressing into her thigh. And her tongue? Yes, she wanted to tangle it with Lexa’s, but pressing it into Finn’s hot mouth only reminded of the night a few weeks back when Lexa had sucked Clarke’s tongue into her mouth and all but swallowed it, planting a fantasy Clarke wanted to live that definitely required female anatomy to fulfill.

For a girl who swung both ways, Clarke’s wants were suddenly becoming very, very specific…and Finn need not apply.

“Damn, you’re so hot,” Finn said, his hips rocking against hers.

The familiar heat of his erection as he ground in had Clarke weighing her options.

Only a few minutes ago, she’d used his catcalling as an excuse to kiss Lexa again. She’d let him—and everyone—believe her attention to Lexa had been nothing more than showboating for Finn, so it was totally bad form to back out now that she’d gotten what she wanted out of the exchange.

But she wanted to back out. Everything happening might feel familiar with Finn, but suddenly none of it felt right.

She wanted to know where Lexa was. She wanted to know how Lexa could kiss her like that only to walk away without blinking after getting a damn text on her flip phone. She needed to know if there was the slightest chance Lexa wanted to kiss again.

If so, Clarke was ready to be a slave to that desire.

Finn’s tongue moved in her mouth, illustrating how he planned to move once he was inside her. It wasn’t suave or seductive, but as Octavia had pointed out, Clarke had never really forced him to be. He’d never shown much interest in foreplay, and Clarke was more into afterplay anyway.

Or at least she’d thought that was the case for the past few years. 

Now there were a hundred different ways her mind had begged her to tease Lexa when they’d touched—presenting hours upon hours of possible foreplay for her consideration—whereas the only thing she could think to do with Finn was reach down his pants and jack him off. It seemed like the fair thing to do, so she slid her hand down between them and massaged him through his jeans.

“Think you could come right here on the dance floor?” she whispered into his ear.

He pulled back, eyes wide before licking his lips and giving one excited nod.

Okay. She could do this. She could totally do this.

Finn moved them closer to the wall and angled them so no one could really see what was about to happen between them. They might guess it, but they wouldn’t know. Then his hand came down and undid his belt. His button and zipper quickly popped open, and a sigh of relief sounded against Clarke’s ear as Finn’s erection was given a little more room to breathe.

“You’re up for the kinkiest stuff, I swear,” Finn mumbled into her ear before sucking on it.

This was it. All she had to do was reach down, grip, and go.

That’s all she needed to do.

Yet her hand wouldn’t move.

Shit.

 

* * *

 

There was a small pull-off right before the bridge that locals used to access the river beneath. It was empty now, and Lexa parked the jeep there before walking up to join the lone figure on the pedestrian walkway—a young girl staring thoughtfully down a thirty-foot drop into water with an average a depth of thirty-seven inches.

Lexa knew. She’d measured it a few years back.

Without a word, Lexa stopped next to the brunette and leaned against the railing, looking down at the dark surface below. She could hear the water more than see it in the low lighting.

“I know the fall wouldn’t kill me,” the girl said, stating the obvious.

“But it would make a splash and force people to look at you,” Lexa said. “But for how long? And you’re left all fucked up when the next news story hits and everyone moves on.”

“Yeah,” the girl agreed.

“I know it’s tempting,” Lexa said. 

The girl looked up at her. “You thought about it?”

Lexa nodded. “All the time.”

The girl bit her lip and looked back at the water. “You just seem above that, you know? You’ve always been the strong one.”

Lexa shook her head. “I’m no stronger than you. There isn’t a single thing I’ve accomplished that you aren’t on track to do yourself, Ontari.”

The girl stared at the water. “It doesn’t feel that way. Not even close.”

Nerves had Lexa feeling a bit jittery as she chose her next words. Ontari wasn’t saying much, but it was clear she was in a bad, bad place. “I mean, you have two more months before you can tell your junior year to go fuck itself. Then you’ll be a senior and we’ll get you on track for the same scholarship I have, and you never have to see those high school fucktards again.”

Ontari’s hand came up and swiped at her eyes, clearing tears. “Yeah. I guess.”

Lexa gave the younger girl’s shoulder a nudge. “You’re smart, Ontari. Smarter than me. And I know there are a trillion reasons for you not to go to college, but you’re meant to. Do you get that? Some of us who see the fucked up underbelly of what everyone else calls civilization have to survive so we can make sure kids after us don’t get swallowed up by the same beast. I’m one of those survivors. You are too.”

The girl said nothing. She just kept staring at the invisible river below.

“Ontari…talk to me.”

She didn’t, at first, but Lexa waited her out.

“What if I don’t want to be a survivor?” she said softly. “What if I’m done?”

The words came out so calmly, with such acceptance, that Lexa knew Ontari meant them. It had been just over a month since they’d last spoken. Ontari usually leaned Anya’s direction when things got tough and she wanted to talk things out. Lexa still wasn’t sure why Ontari had chosen her this time, but things must have gotten bad in the past few weeks. It was time to do some serious checking in.

“What happened, Tari?” Lexa asked softly. “What’s changed?”

“What hasn’t?” the girl asked vehemently. “Not that you’d know, off at that college of yours, but life’s pretty much a shit stew without you running interference. Do you even know about Anya?”

That caught Lexa’s attention. “What about Anya?”

Ontari shook her head, huffing with disgust. “Figures.”

“What about her?” Lexa pressed.

Ontari shrugged. “Not my place to say. Just talk to her.”

“I will,” Lexa said. “What else have I missed?”

Ontari gave a little shrug. “Your favorite, Aiden, is selling again.”

Every muscle in Lexa grew taut. “What? Who’s letting him?”

“Nyko.”

Lexa’s temper flared. “But Nyko knows Aiden’s an addict.”

“Aiden swore he was clean and Nyko decided to give him one more chance.”

“No!”

Ontari actually laughed. “You don’t hold much sway anymore, Lexa. That’s what happens when you leave. You lose control and other people do what they want instead.”

More than anything Lexa wanted to track down Aiden and Anya, and give them a stern talking to, but Ontari had been the one who asked for help tonight. She’d lost her vision, and she wouldn’t have called Lexa if she hadn’t been looking for some hope to cling on to.

“I guess you’re right,” Lexa choked out. “In the end, we all make our own choices and live with the consequences. That’s life.”

“Or other people make choices and you’re forced to live with their consequences,” Ontari said bitterly.

Lexa nodded. “So tell me about that, Tari. What did someone unload on you? An STD?”

Ontari shrugged. “It was treatable. Not that bad. Definitely not Top 10 on the Shit List.”

“Your foster father give it to you?” Lexa asked.

“Foster brother,” Ontari said, voice flat. “But it’s a good school and I don’t want to change again so close to the end of the year. I might not graduate next year if I report it.”

The news made Lexa imagine several “random” acts of violence before she found the composure to speak again.

“What do you need, Tari?” Lexa asked softly. “Ask it, and it’s yours.”

The younger girl looked up from the water and gazed cautiously into Lexa’s eyes. “You mean that?”

“I do. Name it.”

 

* * *

 

It was just after midnight when Lexa brought the jeep back to the party. It had been tempting to keep it longer, but she didn’t want it to be reported stolen and have a crappy night become even more complicated.

As it turned out, she need not have worried. Jasper was busy emptying the pockets of rich frat boys in a game of drunk poker. It would be quite some time before he or Monty passed the breathalyzer test required to get the jeep’s keys back.

One crisis averted for the night, Lexa looked around for the other friends she’d come with and found no one. Everyone appeared to be gone. No Costia. No Octavia. No Raven. No Clarke…No Finn.

Those last two had Lexa swallowing back a sock in her throat as her mind recalled the one good moment of her night—leaning into her roommate, kissing the hell out of her, and being kissed right back. Lexa wasn’t a person who felt safe often, yet somehow she could always free fall into Clarke without hesitation or fear.

After the night she’d just had, Lexa really wanted to feel that way all over again. She didn’t want to say anything; she didn’t want to have to explain. She just wanted to see Clarke out on that dance floor again and fall into her and relish in the sensation of feeling someone catch her.

But Clarke was gone…with Finn. Her boyfriend.

Everyone else was gone, too. 

Double-checking her assumption, Lexa pulled out the phone Octavia had given her and checked the app that showed everyone’s GPS locations. The dots were scattered all over the map, but the closest dot to Lexa was Raven. Apparently, she was still at the party. Everyone else was closer to campus.

Looking a little harder, Lexa ventured outside and quickly spotted Raven near the pool. She hadn’t gotten in, but sat on the edge, dangling her feet into the water others splashed around in. The girl must have felt Lexa’s eyes on her because she quickly looked up and smiled. Then she stood and met Lexa halfway between the pool and the house.

“Nice of you to make a reappearance,” she chastised playfully. “I’ll have you know that we typically frown on people running away like that without telling anyone where they’re going.” She arched an eyebrow. “Especially when they steal a car to get there.”

Lexa knew the guilt was written all over her face as she blushed and shrugged. “Sorry. Emergency.”

“Figured,” Raven said, looking back at the pool. “Well, we had some drama of our own here. You’re welcome to stay and play, or I can call you an Uber to get you home. I’m probably going to stay here with Finn.”

Lexa blinked, wondering if she’d heard right. “Finn? Isn’t he with…”

“They broke up,” Raven said simply. “It’s a whole big story we can talk about tomorrow, but if you want to check on your roommie, she took off to campus about two hours ago and it looks like she’s still there. I think she’s in the Art building.”

“Okay,” Lexa said, still processing what she was hearing and trying to decide if she trusted her ears.

Clarke and Finn had broken up? Why?

“Costia took Harper home,” Raven continued, sounding bored. “Octavia is with Lincoln, and I’m just going to make sure Finn doesn’t do anything epically stupid. That leaves you and Clarke. If you could make sure she gets home safe, everyone will be covered.”

“Sure,” Lexa said in reflex. “I’ll track her down and make sure she gets home in one piece.”

“Perfect,” Raven said, looking at her phone. “Your Uber will be a Toyota Camry that will pull up front in four minutes.”

“Thanks, Raven,” Lexa said as she realized yet again what a rarity Raven was in the world of friends. 

“Catch you on the flipside,” Raven said with a wink, then walked back to the pool just as Finn’s underwear sailed from the center of the pool and landed with a wet slap on the cement.

Yep. That was definitely Lexa’s cue to leave.

 

* * *

 

The Art building was locked but, according to the app, Clarke was definitely inside.

How had she gotten in?

Regardless, Lexa’s point of entry was a window that had been left propped open on the north side of the building. It was about ten feet off the ground and a tight squeeze for Lexa’s hips, but she eventually made her way through the opening and dropped into a classroom. From there, she followed the app until it let her to a classroom on the east side.

When she opened the door, she found Clarke alone in the large room. Only one row of the overhead lights were turned on, creating a spotlight of sorts for the area Clarke sat in front of an easel. She looked like a messy angel with her hair up in a lazy bun and an apron on over her jeans and t-shirt to catch splashes of paint. For some reason the lighting drew Lexa’s focus to the dimple in Clarke’s chin and the pert shape or her lips and nose.

Compared to Lexa, Clarke was downright dainty, but it was still all Lexa could do not to cross the room and see if her roommate would catch her one more time. But she couldn’t do that. Not when heavy-lidded eyes looked her way as the door opened and Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed adorably when their eyes met.

“How did you get in?” Clarke asked. “The doors lock at 11:00.”

Lexa stepped forward, about to skirt giving an answer, when Clarke’s hand came up in a ‘stop’ motion. 

“I took a few more hits before coming here,” she warned. “Don’t get too close. I’m pretty damn high at the moment.”

“Okay,” Lexa agreed.

Clarke frowned and looked back at the canvas on her easel. “I’m trying to get a color right.”

“What color is that?” Lexa asked.

Clarke didn’t answer.

“Do you mind if I look?”

Clarke shrugged. “No reason not to. It’s just streaks of paint. I’m trying to get the right shade for my final project.”

“And what shade is that?” Lexa asked as she moved to look. Clarke was right. There was nothing to see except a canvas streaked with different shades of blue.

Again, Clarke didn’t answer. She simply closed her eyes for several moments before focusing on mixing paint again. “Want to help?”

Lexa blinked in surprise. “Help? I don’t know anything about painting, Clarke.”

“That’s fine,” Clarke said, still dabbing and mixing. “Just tell me a story or something. It will help. I promise.”

“A story?”

Clarke nodded. “Any story. A long one. One that won’t end before I find the color.”

“Oooookay,” Lexa said, no story coming to mind. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about what happened tonight? With Finn?”

Clarke’s hand stilled. “We would have broken up in May anyway. We just did it a few weeks early.”

Lexa’s eyebrows came up in surprise. “And that’s it? Are you sure you’re okay?”

Clarke pressed her lips together and nodded. “It was the right thing to do.”

The answer left Lexa feeling a bit untethered. Sure, Clarke and Finn’s relationship had been a bit unorthodox, but shouldn’t Clarke be feeling…something after breaking up?

“I’m a mess,” Clarke said after a beat. “You know when you think you have everything figured out, only to learn that you weren’t as smart as you thought you were?”

Lexa nodded slowly. “I can relate to that, yes.”

“That’s me in this particular moment in time,” Clarke said, dragging her brush down the canvas and frowning at the resulting color. “I was using Finn.”

The confession knocked Lexa off balance a bit.

“I didn’t know how to handle Costia, but I knew how to handle Finn, so I used him,” Clarke said. “I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but breaking up with Finn is the right move. He deserves someone better. He deserves someone who can actually fall in love with him.”

Again, Lexa had no idea how to respond as Clarke grabbed some more color and mixed it in.

“I’m with him all this time and think I have everything handled, then I spend time with you, and it’s like my Costia karma coming around to bite me in the ass, you know? And I see what an asshole I am to you, like I was tonight. I mean, my friends and I all joke around with kissing and dirty dancing and stuff, but I never really asked if that was okay with you. I just did it. And for all I know you feel crazy pressured to do all this shit that’s just a game to us, but maybe it’s not a game to you, you know? And I never asked. We never talked about it. I just assumed and dragged you in and you’re better than that.”

“I…it’s okay,” Lexa managed. “I mean, you’re right. We should have talked about it first, but we’re good, okay? I’m not mad about anything that happened tonight.” _Far from it._

Clarke looked hopeful. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Clarke let out a sigh. “Okay. I just don’t want to be your Costia, you know? I want things to be forever cool between us as both friends and roommates. I don’t ever want to do something that makes it uncomfortable to come home.”

Home. It wasn’t a word Lexa used often or lightly. And god, she would love to apply the term to wherever Clarke was, but doing so left her far too exposed. She couldn’t put that many eggs in the Clarke basket. Not yet.

“If you ever cross a boundary, I’ll tell you, Clarke.”

“Good,” Clarke said, mixing colors again, then examining the result with a frown. “Because you’d be an easy person to cross boundaries with, Lexa Woods.”

Wait. What did Clarke mean by that? Did she mean…?

“So are you cool if we kiss at parties when the occasion arises?” Clarke asked. “Like games or when we want to egg on heckling or something?”

“Sure,” Lexa said, maybe too quickly as her mind fought for the courage to tell Clarke she wanted to kiss her other times too.

“Okay,” Clarke said, looking relieved. “That’s good. That’ll be fun. You’re a great kisser.”

“I, uh…thank you.”

Clarke waved the courtesy off. “Oh, please. You already know that. Just stating the obvious.”

“I…like it when you state the obvious,” Lexa managed to squeak out and felt weak-kneed when Clarke smiled at her. 

“Yeah?”

Lexa fought the urge to clear her throat. “Yeah.”

“Well, then, I’ll also state the obvious fact that if you ever wanted me tied around your little finger, you could probably do it with more ease than the average co-ed,” Clarke said with a wink. “But I don’t want to be your Costia, so you’re going to have to make the first most when it comes to anything like that after tonight.” A frown returned to her face as she rambled. “Costia and I could have been friends…I wanted to be friends. I mean, yeah, I toyed with more before I learned about Derrick, but once I knew what the deal was, I didn’t want to play that game. But Costia always did, and she never let me forget it. Even when she tells me she can let it go, the next time we meet, it’s like nothing’s changed. And now part of me can’t wait until she graduates and leaves. And I don’t want it to be that way with us, okay? No matter what, I want us to be solid. Friends first, and lust is like a way distant second, okay?”

Lexa wanted to press pause on life so she could process everything Clarke had just thrown at her before responding. Unfortunately, life did not have a pause button, which meant she was left staring at Clarke mutely as her roommate went back to mixing colors.

“Now tell me a story?” Clarke said, her eyes closing again. “Any story. I just want to hear your voice while I try to nail down this color.”

 


	24. Skipping Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotta not leave this unfinished. So if you want a little NSFW with a little bit of closure, the next chapter is for you.

Okay, so I’ve been a horrible contributor here for over a year now. I’d talk about how time flies, but we all use the same calendar so I’ll skip that part. Sorry I disappeared for, like, a year plus some.

Yes, life is demanding and all that, but I definitely owe y’all one last NSFW chapter. So that’s what you’ll find when you go to the next chapter.

PLEASE NOTE: The story skips ahead 9 months.

Yes, you read that correctly. That’s how long it takes them to hook up in this AU. 

And, yes, Costia got to Lexa first. Sorry. And, no, things did not play out well for Lexa. And, yes, Aiden and Anya both die a few months apart from each other, and this doubles down on Lexa pushing away and shying away from relationships that can hurt her.

One thing that most of you would have hated in this AU (if this whole damn soap opera had been fully written out) is that after Anya dies, Lexa makes a point of becoming the girl who gets other girls off at parties, no strings attached. Lexa keeps her clothes on and doesn't like to be touched much, but she likes getting bi-curious off.

Clarke responds by dating around and cuddle slutting with Bellamy until one high night in October when Lexa tells Clarke that if she needs a cuddle buddy, she doesn’t have to call one over in the middle of the night. She’ll do it.

Ever since then, things have been better and Lexa has been working to go to an elite volleyball camp to train with Olympians for s few weeks. She’s amped.

This chapter starts at the beginning of winter break. I hope you like it!

Also, if you are interested in me writing other stuff, click to the page after the final chapter for more info.

All the best to all of you, and I hope life is treating you well!


	25. Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a longtime coming, NSFW, and for you. Sorry I fell off the map as a contributor, but I hope you like this final chapter.

Clarke stared into her suitcase, certain she’d forgotten to pack something. The bag was just too empty.

Then again, it wasn’t like she was moving. She was just going home for a holiday. She had clothes at home, so she didn’t need to bring much in that department. She had hair supplies waiting for her on the other side of her plane ride, too.

But still… she needed to bring more home for Christmas break than presents for her mom. Right?

Clarke glanced behind her, spotting the present she’d left under Lexa’s bed. Lexa’s neat freak ways would definitely lead to her finding the gift before Christmas. That was fine just so long as she found it after Clarke left in, oh… ten hours.

Was her flight really that soon? That didn’t seem nearly long enough to have a girls night out, get wasted, and find her way to the airport. Clarke was beginning to regret booking a morning flight. She should have aimed for the afternoon. Maybe evening.

What had she been thinking?

The trouble was, Clarke really wanted to get stupid that night, despite knowing it was useless. She knew what would happen because it was what always happened. A little flirting, a little crossing of lines, then everyone would act like nothing happened. Clarke would go home to her mom, and Lexa would fly out the day after Christmas to a volleyball camp full of hot, athletic girls who would be all over her.

Happy holidays.

Clarke understand why Lexa didn’t want to come home with her for Christmas. Holidays with other people's families could be weird. But still...the thought of Lexa spending Christmas volunteering at a food kitchen just seemed wrong—not the service part. Clarke would be doing the same with her mother in California. It just bothered Clarke that that was all Lexa would be doing. Lexa would be there for others while no one was there for her.

It felt wrong…but it wasn’t Clarke’s call to make. All she could do was invite her friend to come home with her, despite knowing Lexa’s answer before she spoke it.

No.

Lexa always said no. The girl still wasn’t able to tell the difference between an honest invitation for her presence and an invite extended in pity. She always assumed pity as a motive and bowed out of people’s efforts to get closer to her.

Every time Clarke watched the dynamic play out, it became more obnoxious. And every time Clarke tried, and failed, to be the exception to the rule, the rejection dug in a little more. Lexa pushed everyone away. Even Clarke.

And since dwelling on that led absolutely nowhere, Clarke to a deep breath and shut her suitcase. It was official: she was packed. She had presents for her mom, and Lexa’s present was tucked away waiting to be found. Lexa may not be willing to have a California Christmas, but she’d get at least three presents and three calls. Clarke, Raven, and Octavia had all pinky swore on that much.

So there was that.

Zipping the suitcase and stowing at the foot of her bed for the morning, Clarke turned to check her phone for messages when the dorm room swung open. Clarke glanced over her shoulder just as the door slammed shut behind her roommate… who was purposefully not looking at her.

Clarke took in Lexa’s body language and sensed choked-back tears behind the stoic front.

“Everything okay?” Clarke asked, and Lexa shook her head dismissively.

“It’s just life. Don’t worry about it.”

Lexa never wanted Clarke to worry. But the fact was, Clarke couldn’t help it, so she stepped into Lexa’s path and touched her arm to get her attention. “What happened?”

Lexa quickly pulled away from the contact. “I can’t go, okay? The whole thing’s off!”

“Can’t go?” Clarke repeated, confused. “Where?”

“Volleyball camp.”

That made no sense. “But you got a scholarship. Everything’s paid for. What happened?”

Lexa tried to walk around her, but Clarke held her ground, forcing Lexa to answer the question.

“It conflicts with my housing contract here,” Lexa confessed, after a moment of hesitation. “If I go, I need to find alternate housing next semester and I can’t…”

“Are you kidding?" 

She shook her head, still not looking at her. "They say I'll be gone too many weeks, and they can't have housing sitting empty while I'm at a non-school event."

"That's stupid. But also not the end of the world. We’ll find you something—”

“You don’t understand,” Lexa said, trying to push past Clarke one last time. When Clarke refused to move yet again, Lexa finally looked her surprisingly guarded eyes. It was like the past three months of bridging gaps hadn’t happened and they were back to square one…or square minus-one.

Either way, Clarke wasn’t having it. They weren't going back to how things were after Anya died.

“I understand that it’s a huge opportunity that you worked really hard for, Lexa. You have to go.”

Lexa looked into her eyes for a beat or two before looking away. “I can’t.”

“You’re not making sense, Lex. You’ve been talking about this for six months.”

Running her hands through her hair in frustration, Lexa moved back toward the door and Clarke gave her the space. Sometimes Lexa needed that. But Clarke wasn’t done talking.

“Your guidance counselor—”

“My guidance counselor has rules she needs to follow,” Lexa bit out.

Clarke couldn’t help it. She took a few steps closer. Lexa might like distance, but Clarke hated it. “So we find you a new place to live next semester. No biggie.”

Lexa stilled at the suggestion, eyes looking the floor, wall, ceiling or anywhere that wasn’t Clarke for several seconds. Then she blinked twice, took a breath, and locked eyes with Clarke.

“I’m only going to say this once, okay?” she said softly. “And I’m not proud of it. I know it’s not right or okay or anything, and that you didn’t ask for what I’m about to say. But the truth is I need to be roommates with you, okay? I know it’s not your job to live with me. And I don’t know exactly when I got dependent on having you as a touchstone at the end of the day, but I promise to work on it before the end of the school year. I do. Okay? I promise. By May, I’ll have things under control and be able to wrap my brain around us maybe not being roommates anymore. But I can’t do that right now, okay?”

Clarke felt her lips part in surprise. Her body stilled even as she heard her heart start to race. Was Lexa saying…?

Across from her, Lexa shook her head. “I can’t go to that camp knowing I’ll be living with strangers when I get back. Right now I need stability more than I need volleyball. So that’s why I can’t go, okay?” Lexa’s eyes shimmered with what seemed to be shame before looked at the floor. “It sucks and I’m sad about it, but I’ll live. Okay? I can’t say the same about losing you this come January. And that’s just how it is.”

Losing you.

Lexa had just thrown a lot of words out there, but Clarke’s mind latched on those two: losing you.

It was Clarke’s turn to talk. She knew that, but she was still processing what she’d just heard…what she’d hoped she’d heard between the lines somewhere in there.

When her mouth finally opened, Clarke was grateful her words were coherent. “I’ll figure out the housing angle. You just go.”

Lexa shook her head. “Clarke—”

“Do you trust me?”

Lexa’s eyes narrowed. “Yeah, but—”

“Then go. Opportunities like this are once in a lifetime, Lex. You have to go. Finding housing for us is easy.”

“No,” Lexa said firmly. “I can’t let you—”

Clarke stepped forward. “Lex—”

“No!” Lexa replied before Clarke could finish. “I won’t let you do that.”

“And I won’t let you miss an opportunity for a stupid reason like this. So count on me moving out of this dorm with or without you in two weeks. If you want to move with me, go to that volleyball camp.”

Lexa’s jaw clenched as her head shook. “That’s not fair...”

Clarke took another step forward, moving back within arm’s reach again. “I don’t care. Those are my terms. Go, and I’ll have a place for us to live when you get back. Or stay, and live here alone while you miss the camp. Your call.”

The clench of Lexa’s jaw as she weighed her retort should not have been sexy.

It shouldn’t have been.

But there was just something about a furious Lexa that drew Clarke in, rather than chasing her away. Maybe because mad was always a cover for sad with Lexa, and Clarke liked to make things better.

And this was a thing she could make better.

“I’ve got this, Lex,” she said softly.

Across from her, Lexa faltered. Clarke saw the flash of gratitude before Lexa locked herself down again. “I couldn’t ask you to—”

“You’re not asking,” Clarke pointed out.

“I know. It’s just—”

“This is not a situation you’re going to talk yourself out of at this point.”

“No, but—”

Clarke smiled. “So pack your bags and go to camp, babe.”

Lexa shook her head, stepping in closer with her chin raised in defiance. “It’s not that simple.”

Man, Lexa looked so serious when she got in these moods, like her word was law and only a fool would argue with it.

Damn, it felt good to be a fool sometimes. “It’s exactly that simple.”

“Clarke!” Lexa said her name like it was a curse word. That meant Clarke was doing something right.

“I’m not changing my mind on this, Lex. You worked way too hard for this. You need to follow through. I’ll find housing.”

Lexa spun back to face her. “Which costs money, which I can’t afford.”

“I want to live somewhere nicer anyway.”

“Clarke—”

“This place really is drab,” Clarke added before shooting a meaningful look at the wall by her bed. “And can we talk about the noise?”

To her surprise, Lexa’s cheeks pinked up at that.

“This is a win-win situation,” Clarke decided with a little nod of her head.

“One that I can’t afford,” Lexa said, as if that fact settled the matter.

Lexa glared so hard that Clarke almost backed down—she almost let her friend win.

Then she didn’t.

Reaching out, Clarke gripped Lexa’s hand in her own. “I’m moving in January,” she said with a smile. “I hope you move with me.”

Lexa didn’t move. She didn’t even look like she was breathing as she studied Clarke’s eyes. Then her eyes glassed over with liquid for a moment before she blinked and cleared her throat to speak.

“Clarke…” She clearly wanted to say more than that, but nothing was coming out.

Clarke gave her friend’s hand a squeeze. “The new room costs the same whether I keep it for myself or share it, Lexa. I’d be living somewhere else already if we hadn’t become friends last spring. I live here because of you. But if you are going to use me as an excuse to stop yourself from doing something great, I’m happy to move along.”

Lexa’s hand tensed in hers. “That’s not what’s happening.”

“It is from where I’m standing,” Clarke said before giving Lexa’s hand another squeeze and holding it this time. “Go. Kick ass. And then accept the apartment upgrade as part of the deal. You don’t want to live here either. Too many rules.”

“Clarke…”

Her name didn’t sound like a swear word this time. It sounded like a frustrated prayer. Progress.

Lexa’s eyes weren’t hard anymore either. They actually looked a bit lost, as if Lexa was trying to think of things to say but that all her words were failing her before they even touched her lips.

“I…don’t deserve this,” Lexa finally managed.

“There are a lot of things you haven’t deserved that have happened to you over the years,” Clarke said quietly. “I actually think you deserve this one quite a bit more than most of that other stuff.”

Lexa’s eyes dropped away. “Don’t be nice. Not right now.”

“Get used to it, babe. I told you from the beginning, this is how I roll.”

Lexa looked lost when she looked up. “I can’t pay you back.”

“I’d be offended if you tried,” Clarke said with a smile.

Across from her, Lexa’s shook her head. "How do you do this?" she sighed. "How do you always seem to win?"

"Because I like to make things better. And everyone likes better," Clarke teased, surprised when Lexa's eyes dropped to her lips and stayed fixated there for a beat.

Clarke knew that look. She’d actually stopped counting how many times she seen it, but she’d never seen it quite this close up before. This close, Clarke could hear her friend’s soft inhale as see the two inches that disappeared between them as Lexa momentarily leaned in. 

This was a look Clarke was used to seeing at parties, after a few drinks. But no music pounded and no alcohol flowed, at the moment…no game was afoot as a scapegoat for what might come next. But, for a split second, Lexa didn’t look like she was thinking that far ahead.

She looked like she wanted to kiss her.

The look happened so fast, Clarke was still catching up to the possibility of something more than conversation happening between them when she saw Lexa’s jaw give the nervous tic it always gave right before she talked herself out of leaning in. She was going to abort. As always.

Frustrated, Clarke almost let her. Then she caught sight of Lexa’s pulse clamoring at her neck and the hopeless look in her friend’s eye and decided to take control of the moment for once. They’d been dancing around this long enough. Might as well put everything on the table and see if Lexa still wanted to be roommates next semester.

All it took was one tug on Lexa's friend’s hand to pull her close enough to feel body heat. Lexa’s eyes flared wide, but she didn’t flinch back when Clarke tipped her chin up and locked their lips together.

They both grew still at the initial contact. 'God, those lips,' was all Clarke could think as she parted her own and slid a hand into Lexa’s hair to deepen the kiss. Man, she’d missed the feel of these lips. That was her first thought. The last time they’d “pretended” to make out was back on Halloween, three months ago.

Way too long.

Clarke’s second thought was that she’d definitely just made things weird because Lexa wasn’t kissing her back.

Oh, shit.

Miscalculation.

Lexa. Wasn’t. Kissing. Back.

Until…she was.

The moment Lexa took the initiative to control the kiss and escalate it, Clarke could have sworn her heart double-timed. And when Clarke felt Lexa’s hands slide around her waist tentatively, she breathed a sigh and stepped in so they were flush.

Pressing a thigh between Lexa’s feeling the favor returned, Clarke forgot how to breathe for a second.

That mouth. That tongue. Clarke explored them both while her hands slid down Lexa’s body to grip her ass cheeks through the fabric of her pants. Lexa’s hands skated up Clarke’s sides as if she wanted to cup Clarke’s breasts but was fighting the temptation, in case everything came to an abrupt halt.

Clarke released an ass cheek long enough to push Lexa’s hand onto her breast. When Lexa squeezed, Clarke rolled her hips against Lexa’s thigh. Months of platonic cuddling paid off in one smooth move as Clarke arched into a perfect fit against Lexa’s on pure instinct.

Lexa broke away from the kiss, lips parted as she gazed down to where Clarke’s hand cupped Lexa’s hold on her breast. When Lexa looked back up and Clarke saw those green eyes again, she actually felt Lexa shiver.

“Clarke?” she breathed, her eyes asking a hundred different questions with that one word.

Clarke didn’t blink as she returned Lexa’s questioning gaze. “I’m thinking maybe it’s time we decided if we want this…if this is part of being roommates.”

The whimper in the back of Lexa’s throat was so soft Clarke almost missed it, and it gave her the confidence she needed for her next words.

“Because I really want you, Lexa. A lot. Sometimes it actually hurts. In fact, it often does.”

Suddenly Lexa’s lips were on hers and all Clarke could do was hold on as Lexa backed Clarke onto her bed. Clarke’s hands came up to cup Lexa’s face as she searched for her answer.

“Lexa, do you—”

“Yes,” the brunette breathed against her lips. “God, yes. Please don’t change your mind.”

Clarke pulled away far enough to pull her shirt over her head. She saw Lexa glance away out of habit, but when Clarke made no move to cover up, Lexa looked back at Clarke and then down at her cleavage.

Only then did Clarke speak. “It’s a definite yes for me, too.”

Lexa’s lips parted in what seemed to be shock. When she didn’t move, Clarke slid her hands up Lexa’s thighs, pulling her friend to straddle her on the bed as Clarke lay back.

She didn’t have to kiss Lexa this time. Lexa’s mouth covered hers first, distracting Clarke enough to not notice when her bra had been removed, only that it had been replaced with Lexa’s mouth and hands. She wanted to return the favor, but Lexa was still fully dressed.

That needed to change.

Clarke didn’t try for grace when she pulled Lexa’s shirt hem up toward her head. All she wanted was for Lexa to take over the job of getting rid of it, which Lexa did quite efficiently before her lips went back to work on Clarke’s breast.

Dear Lord, this was living.

Clarke wasn’t sure if she momentarily went blind or just couldn’t open her eyes. Either way, she she relied on touch alone to slide her hands down Lexa’s body and getting Lexa’s pants unfastened. Pulling Lexa’s mouth up to hers, Clarke flipped them so Lexa was on the bottom—immediately pushing Lexa’s pants off her hips. She dragged both pants and underwear down past Lexa’s feet, taking in the view along the way. Lexa grew still at the attention, but didn’t move.

Clarke tossed the pants to the side without a sideways glance. Lexa was naked, except for that sports bra of hers. Clarke would get to that soon enough, but she had higher priorities at the moment.

When Lexa’s hesitant eyes came up to see how Clarke was reacting, Clarke gave her a little strip show to answer the unspoken question as to whether she liked what she saw. When Clarke’s hands pushed her jeans past her hips, Lexa flinched as if someone pinched her in the gut and she leaned forward, clearly wanting to touch.

In all the times Clarke had imagined something like this, in her mind Lexa had never looked so disarmed as she did watching Clarke’s little strip tease. Clarke had a pretty good imagination, but she could not have foreseen those wide eyes over parted lips and legs, or the sound of uneven breathing as Lexa’s eyes fixated on different parts of her body.

It was all so different in real life than it had ever been in Clarke’s mind. Soft skin covered in tough tattoos, and eyes so seduced they left Clarke feeling a little high every time she looked directly into them.

When the last of Clarke’s clothes were on the floor, she crawled back onto the bed between Lexa’s knees and kissed her way up to dispatch of the bra. Soon, it was on the floor with everything else and Clarke was the one covering Lexa's body. The sharp inhale she heard as she nestled her hips between Lexa’s thighs was enough to get a contented smile on Clarke’s lips as she rocked in and felt lightning shoot across her body, leaving her unable to do anything but breathe and do it again.

God help her, this was going to be intense.

 

****

 

Clarke had a body Lexa could look at forever. But the feel of it?

Fuuuuuuuuck.

God help her, Lexa didn’t know how to say no to this. She didn’t want to. Because this was…this was…

Lexa bit down on flesh. Not her own. The surprised moan exhaled into her ear told her that.

God, this felt amazing, but she had to do something else…something more…something her brain was a little too scattered to remember at the moment.

How many times had she imagined this? How many times had she planned exactly what she would do if this opportunity arose to make sure Clarke felt all the feels to make sure she always wanted to come back. She’d planned every detail of this out, drilling each move in her mind until they became the bedtime stories that lulled her to sleep each night.

According to those bedtime stories, she was supposed to be on top. Yet the fact that Clarke was the impatient one brought an intensity to the pleasure that made all thoughts of doing anything but cooperating disappear.

Lexa had trained for this, yes, but in all her imaginings she’d never considered Clarke’s want would outweigh her own. The fact that Clarke was the one on top left Lexa feeling a bit drunk as Clarke kissed up her from while lightly scraping nails down her back until their lips locked again. Lexa latched on to the kiss like Clarke was her air.

And, miracle of miracles, Clarke was right there with her. Clarke wanted her.

Feeling the truth of that realization left Lexa dazed and unable to do much more than exhale in pure pleasure as Clarke ground her hips in.

Dear, God. All of Lexa’s fantasies had been wrong. Clarke riding on top…feeling her need in their rhythm. This was better. God, this was so fucking better. Her fantasies had been wrong. So fucking wrong. So…fuck…fuck…

“Fuck,” Lexa heard herself say, part of her falling deeper into the moment while another part told her she was doing it wrong. She was supposed to be the one in control. Clarke was the one who was supposed to be whimpering.

“Please,” someone moaned. Maybe her. “Please, Clarke. I don’t even care. Just keep going.”

The plea got Clarke’s hand to work between Lexa’s legs where it didn't even take a minute to get Lexa holding on tight while the world went white while her hips bucked into Clarke’s hand. Above her, Clarke let out a satisfied chuckle.

“You come so easy,” Clarke teased into her ear, and Lexa shook her head.

Lost in the sensation of everything being right in the world, Lexa spoke the truth. “Only when you’re involved.” 

What the hell? Why did she say that? That was the kind of shit you couldn’t take back, but Lexa's regret pedaled back when Clarke’s smiling lips pressed into hers before pulling away so Clarke could focus on pushing the hair away from her face.

Yes. This was definitely not how the bed time story went. Clarke was the one who was supposed to be taking the fall. Lexa was the one who was going to give Clarke such good orgasms that no one else could compare to her again. Not the other way around.

Lexa was still on her back, a few breaths away from full recovery, when Clarke’s teeth nipped down on her shoulder and her hands started wandering. Lexa could sense that as much as Clarke liked to touch, she liked being touched just as much, and Lexa had pretty much dropped the ball in that department.

God help her, Lexa had definitely done this wrong. Flat on her back, with Clarke doing all the work? That had never been the plan. Lexa needed to be the one making the move. She needed to do the seducing. She—

“I wish you could see your face right now,” Clarke whispered before pressing a kiss to Lexa’s slack cheek. “You look…” like you’re mine.

Clarke didn’t say those last words, but they were the only words that came to Lexa’s mind to fill in the gap when Clarke let the sentence taper off. Lexa’s brain froze when their eyes met again, both wanting to know what Clarke was feeling and just wanting to memorize the look on Clarke’s face right then.

God, how was she supposed to breathe with Clarke looking at her like that? How was she supposed to think? How was she supposed to do anything but raise her head up to catch perfect lips with her own?

Lexa sat up, pulling Clarke gently against her as they kissed. Clarke followed her lead, both of them settling into a new kind of kiss they’d never tried at a party, with others heckling on. Softer. More exploratory.

The moment Lexa felt Clarke straddle her thigh and press in, something switched on in her brain.

Clarke grinding on her thigh?

She’d practiced for this. In fact, she and Clarke had actually fought over how much Lexa had practiced for this exact scenario. Bringing that up would kill the mood, obviously, but if there was ever a time for Lexa to shine, it was with two naked thighs straddling her own.

Lexa’s eyes blinked open, fog gone and vision sharp as she watched Clarke’s reaction as her hand went down. When she hit the sweet spot, Clarke broke off the kiss and arched in. That’s when Lexa made her move.

The sound Clarke made as Lexa flipped the blonde beneath her was a sound Lexa promised herself she'd hear again and again as she explored the feel of her friend. She met Clarke’s eyes, checking in to see how far gone she was. She was still all there, but she looked like a girl begging for an excuse to get lost.

Challenge: Accepted.

Mouth to breast and hands everywhere else, Lexa got to work, loving all the little sounds Clarke made along the way. That smoky voice just had a way of leading Lexa to the next level…and the level after that…and up another climb until nails were curving into backs and Lexa was kissing her way south.

She glanced up to meet Clarke's eyes, uncertain if she was okay with what Lexa wanted to do next. “Can I—”

“Yes,” Clarke said, somehow looking lusty and vulnerable at the same time. “I’ll let you know if something doesn’t work for me, so do what you—”

Clarke’s voice cracked when Lexa didn’t wait for her to start speaking to go to work.

“Lex,” she breathed, tangling her fingers into Lexa’s hair.

Clarke’s phone rang.

“Ignore it,” Lexa said, urging Clarke to focus only on her tongue, but Clarke had already looked at the screen.

“It’s…Raven,” Clarke managed. “We’re supposed—oh, shit, yes, right there—to meet them. Fuck.”

The phone kept ringing. “They can wait.”

Clarke shook her head. “They’ll…come…”

“No,” Lexa corrected, feeling a bit wicked. “You’ll come.”

Clarke nodded. “Yes. Please. But I need to…” She rejected the call and started to text instead. It bothered Lexa that Clarke had enough brain power left to do that much.

“What are you telling them?”

Clarke pressed send then turned to show her what the bubble said: 'Having the best sex of my life. See you in an hour?'

The bubble replies were already populating.

'Who?' 

'WAAAT?' 

'U can be late if u give us deets!' 

'I repeat: WHOOOOOOO?!?'

Clarke smiled at Lexa, eyes mischievous. “Do you want me to tell them it’s you?” 

Lexa thought about it and shook her head. Clarke looked disappointed until Lexa spoke. “Not via text. Let them wonder for a while.”

Lexa slid off the bed, earning a whimper from Clarke, and grabbed her own phone out of her pants on the floor, typing in: 'It's been a while, Griff. You probably just forgot.'

Clarke's jaw dropped when she saw Lexa's reply pop up on her own phone, and she started typing again. 'I have NOT forgotten.'

Lexa smirked, typing, 'And yet, you're sitting there messaging us. How good can it be?'

'Good point!' Octavia replied, followed by, 'Doesn't sound like you're applying yourself, Griffin.'

"Yeah, Griffin," Lexa teased with obvious challenge. "I don't think you're applying yourself right now."

Clarke met Lexa's gaze without blinking. "Yeah? I think that makes two of us." Looking down, she typed, 'Give me an hour, and I'll apply myself.'

Lexa looked at her phone one last time and typed, 'An hour works fine for me. I have stuff I can do until then.'

Clarke read the message on her phone, throwing her head back and laughing. It was maybe the most beautiful sight Lexa had ever seen.

“Stuff, huh?” Clarke said, grinning broadly.

“Oh, yeah,” Lexa said before tossing her phone to the side before playfully stripping Clarke’s phone away and giving it the same treatment. “Now, c’mere, beautiful. We’ve only got an hour.”

Clarke’s eyebrow came up. “Beautiful, huh?”

Lexa nodded, loving how good it felt to say what she thought out loud. “Stunning.” She pressed a kiss to Clarke’s lips. “Heart stopping.”

She felt Clarke start to laugh. “Now you’re just getting silly.”

Lexa pulled back just far enough to look Clarke in the eye. “No. These are the words I think when I look at you Clarke. All the time.”

Clarke’s lips parted in surprise, and Lexa felt a bit of pride in rendering Clarke speechless for once. Usually, it was the other way around. But Clarke’s mute shock seemed like the perfect time to kiss the girl.

So she did.


	26. If You're Interested

So I'm in a place right now where I write full time for income. This is awesome, but it also means I don't write "for fun" much.

I've had a couple people mention Patreon, and I know some writers are doing great work there, with very happy audiences. If you like my stuff enough to consider supporting something like Patreon, I'm totally open to that. I'd love to keep writing AU stories like this, but paychecks have gotten in the way of putting time to that for over a year now. 

If I could write something fun for you, instead of for a client, that could be totally fun.

But only if a bunch of you are interested. I know there are a lot of writers out there who are doing a great job that are free, but if I did a Patreon, I'd let people vote on pairings and make everything a stand-alone one-shot, so that each new post could be something different, if needed.

Let me know if it interests you. If not, no worries and I'm glad you enjoyed this story. It was way fun to write. I just wish I hadn't disappeared on you for so long.

Hope life is treating you well, and have a good one!

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic, just for funsies. Life is busy, but I promise if it looks like you guys want more, I'll make time to write more. So kudos and comments welcome, and I'll update as long as you keep liking it. :)


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